Christine O'Donnell will get trophy for second place

Christine O'Donnell ruined her chances of being elected through a series of unfortunate gaffs. Her "...not a witch" comment will be remembered long after the reason for it is forgotten.

Now where I have heard something like this before?

Ed Begley Jr: Life Without Ed - or Ed, Without Life

News you might like to see...

Ed Begley Jr. (Actor; Environmentalist) died last week in a local hospital after a brawl with a redneck over the benefits of Horse Shit.

Apparently, the Redneck -so enraged over Ed’s position to swallow- the Redneck broke Mr. Begley’s beak

Doctors at Santa Monica Rhinoplasty worked feverishly to repair Mr. Begley nose. “Everything was going fine until Ed woke up from the anesthesia.” Dr. Tom said. “We had placed tubes in his nose that went down his throat hooked to a breathing machine.

When Ed came too, he looked around slowly at all the lights and then at the machines we had him attached to and yelled "IS ALL OF THIS NECESSARY?" He reached out and grabbed a hand full of electric plugs and pulled them out of their sockets. This, cut off his air supply.” Dr. Tom explained.

Dr. Tom and three nurses tried to wrestle away the plugs but to no avail. Mr. Begley succumbed to suffocation before they were able to plug him back it.

An un-named nurse was overheard saying: “By the time he got here, the swelling was very bad. Plus there was a lot brown foreign material lodged his nasal cavities. It kinda smelled like horse shit. Maybe we could have saved him if we just got him here sooner. But he insisted on waiting for an electric ambulance to take him to the Emergency Room, only three blocks away.”

“He was a very stubborn man and he stuck to his convictions, right to the end.” Rachelle Begley, Ed’s wife, said.

Services are not yet scheduled.

---UPDATE---

It seems that Ms. Begley is having some trouble finding a final resting place for her beloved Ed.

“At first I thought I would just bury him in the back yard. Ya know? Great worm food and No fuss - No muss. But, I soon found out after digging the hole in the yard and one of my fascist right-wing neighbors called the cops. They told me that it was completely illegal.

My Second Idea was the mountains. Ed loved the mountains. So I called The Sierra Club, and asked about a local mountain top where I could take Ed’s body, chopped it into tiny pieces and let the birds carry him away. It would be beautiful, wouldn’t it? Well, my ‘Good Friends’ at the EPA threatened me with huge fines and jail time for polluting the environment! PETA threatened to turn me in for feeding human waste to wildlife. Some friends, huh?

Next, I figured a nice Burial-At-Sea would be cool. Ed really didn’t like the sea but what the hell, he’s dead and I’m running out of ideas.” “Fish need to eat too, Damn it” Exclaimed Ms. Begley.

---UPDATE---

At the time of this writing Ed Begley Jr’s body still lies in the Los Angeles County Morgue - forgotten.

He will be most likely cremated, polluting LA’s air even more and his ashes dumped in a local landfill.

All at the taxpayers’ expense.

Rachelle Carson (Begley) has been spotted recently around Hollywood with an unnamed Baldwin brother.  

Shovel This

by Mr Shizzo

The words of "hope" coming out of Washington are, "Yes, we can," and "I screwed up."

And the "stimulus" package, which in reality is the "big government programs" package, is full of "shovel-ready" initiatives. No one mentioned that "shovel-ready" meant the shoveling of cash-dung into a hole in the ground.

So, we can all rest assured that, "we can all screw up."

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Equal Opportunity Senate Seats For Sale

by Mr Shizzo

Senate seat for sale:
Here is the actual Senate seat occupied by Barack Obama. Notice
the fine-crafted arms, the cushion padding. This seat goes to the
highest bidder.

[Les: This seat has since sold. We may never know just what 
it went for]



 
Senate seat for sale:
Here is the actual Senate seat occupied by Hillary Clinton. Notice the
fine-crafted arms, the cushion padding. This seat goes to anyone not
named Kennedy.




Senate seat for sale:
Here is the actual Senate seat occupied by Judd Gregg. Notice the fine-crafted arms, the cushion padding. This seat goes to a Republican only. Democrats need not apply.




Photos by z.about.com, towermedicalsystems.com, and joe-ks.com

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BlackWidow@WhiteHouse.gov

For a couple of weeks, I have been mulling over whether or not I should go public with my secret. Don't get me wrong. I don't like to be a party-pooper. But, the truth drove me so crazy that I finally decided to come out with it, if not for my own sanity, but for the sake of our great nation.

When I went down in my basement a month ago, I encountered Michelle Obama in a dark corner. She scared the life out of me. I started to pant and ran back up to the kitchen. I wasn't sure what to do. But, now I am the one that has to come out of the dark. I must let everyone know the truth that Michelle Obama is a Black Widow and this has to get out to the public before she moves from my basement to the White House. I am not crazy and I know that I have to have proof. So, here are some photos.

I wish it were not true. But, I am the only one that knows. And believe me, I am still trying to put all of the pieces together. After all, if I am right, and I know that I am right, it means that Michelle Obama mates and then she kills. I have many questions and I can still hear her rustling in my basement sometimes. The road is dangerous, but I am driven to find the truth. I have placed some surveillance and tracking devices in her belongings. If my warnings here to you go ignored, I will continue to watch her. In the interest of our country, it is my patriotic duty. I do not doubt that once she moves into the White House, I will be targeted and harassed by the powers that be. So, I will keep a low profile and periodically keep you updated.

Signed,

The Black Widow Watch

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Hillary Bolt!

[Radio Ad is played in a deep and dramatic male voice]

It's 3 a.m. The kids are asleep. The phone rings. It's a national emergency. Who do you want answering the phone?"

[pause]

"Yes. Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State.



At a press conference, reporters question Hillary Clinton about the radio ad

"But, Hillary. I thought you wanted to be President when you ran that ad."

Hillary winks at the reporter and says in a game show voice.

"Gotcha!"

Hillary continues

"I fooled all of you. The entire time I ran for President, I was secretly running for Secretary of State. I'm a winner! Yes! I'm a big, big winner!"

Hillary starts to "raise the roof" with both hands up. Her hips begin to shuffle in rhythmic celebration.

"Uh, huh. Uh, huh. That's right. That's right."

Photographers are taking pictures of her. The reporters have dropped jaws. One reporter speaks up.

"Hillary. I am certain you were running for President when you ran that ad. And you lost the Democratic nomination. You are a big loser. That's what you are."

Hillary still rolling her hips and now singing.

"I'll travel the world, the seven seas. And guess who will be paying for my airfare and in-flight caviar."

Hillary points to the crowd of reporters in front of her.

"It's you. It's you tax payers, baby. C'mon. That's right. And I fooled you all the entire time. You all thought I was running for President, but that wasn't it at all."

Hillary smiles and waves.

"And all those five-star hotels around the world. All the fine cultural tours. All the international cuisine. That's the life of the Secretary of State. I'm the winner. I'm the Champion!"

A reporter bursts out loudly.

"Hillary, where are you going to go first...Disneyland?"

Hillary turns, runs a few feet, spreads her arms, glides across an imaginary finish line, and makes an Ussain Bolt pose.

"Jamaica!"

Humor-blogs is cheaper than Disneyland

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All in the Family: Part 3

Who's my real daddy?

Malia Obama was very confused with her daddy last week.

Malia thought to herself, "Daddy tells us to be more responsible parents and to 'turn off those television sets.'

Of course, daddy is the one who bought up all those ads and even aired a 30-minute infomercial."

"Malia. Turn off that television right now."

"But, daddy."

"You don't understand. I am being a responsible parent by telling you to turn off that television. America will be judging me. You don't want daddy to look like a liar, do you?"

"No."

"Plus, you don't want to know what kinds of promises I am making."

"Why?"

"Do you remember the story about the guy who had to sound good in order to get in a position to do any good?"

"Not really."

"Well, you fell asleep. Anyway, I want you to look at me and see your daddy. I don't want you to look at me and see Mr. President."

"I just wanted to watch your 30-minute infomercial."

"That's not for you."

"Daddy, then why did you put those ads and infomericals on television?"

"How shall I say it. Malia. We are smarter than most. But, not everyone is as smart as us, dear."

"Do you really think so?"

"Believe me. I know so. And you don't want to end up like them. So, turn off that television."

This completes a three part series by Mr. Shizzo. Tune in next Tuesday for his weekly post.  

Kill your TV.  Tune-in to Humor-Blogs.com

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All in the Family

Part 2
Who's your Mommy?

Setting: Halloween. A little girl in an angel costume rings the doorbell of a house in the neighborhood. A man answers the door ready to give out candy.

"My mommy says we should not say 'Trick or Treat' anymore."
"Oh really? Why is that?"
"She says we are no longer accepting candy this Halloween. Thank you, but no thank you."
"I see. So you are choosing to be more healthy?"
"She says we should say something else."
"Oh? Like what?"
"My mommy says we should say, 'Belly Dance or Bailout Money.'"
"Belly Dance or Bailout Money?"
"She says that our family business is in financial crisis, so if we get bailout money, it will help everyone?"
"Everyone?"
"Our business will do well and the money will go to everyone, so everyone will win."
"Uh..."
"Well? Where's my bailout money?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't prepare any bailout money for this Halloween."
"Oh, that's okay. You can just go into debt."
"Uh..."
"Well?"
"I'm not sure I can..."
"I see. How about if I ask this way? Belly Dance or Bailout Money, PLEASE."
"Oh, that's very polite of you to say please."
"Isn't it?"
"Well, again. I'm not sure if I can help you."
"My mommy said that no one wanted to Belly Dance in Congress, so that's why the Bailout got passed."
"Really?"
"Yes. And if you don't give me my bailout money, I'm going to call my mommy over here."
"Actually, I think that would be a great idea."
"Mommy. Mommy. This man isn't doing what he is supposed to. And he won't even belly dance."
"Mrs. Ah,...I'm sorry, I don't know your name."
"I'm a friend of Alvin Irvinton Gustafson."
"Oh? Who is that?"
"Oh, you don't know who that is? He goes by AIG and he said you would give me bailout money if I needed it and asked nicely. Anyway. So, what I need is your bailout money. Hand it over."
"Is that asking nicely? Anyway, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Can you hurry? If you don't hurry with the money, the next Great Depression is going to come our way."
"Listen. I don't appreciate all this pressure."
"Listen? Look. I didn't have to come here in person, you know. I could have just had you wire the money to me. I don't see what the big deal is. Everyone is getting it."
"Wait a minute. I need to put my foot down and say something. I don't have any bailout money for you. All I have are snickers."
"Congress used to give those to me all the time whenever we asked for government help. Are you saying you are reverting back to the old days of snickers and smirks?"
"No. I don't think you understand. I could give you mars. I'm giving you mars for free."
"What are you talking about? Make some sense. I don't want mars. I'll be dead before I can ever get there. Just like the government to sell out their future valuable real estate right now. No, don't you dare offer me the milk way or else I will gag right here."
"Actually..."
"Yes?"
"Never mind. I have a payday."
"Now you are talking."
"Do you want it?"
"I don't have to earn it, do I? You didn't say anything about earning my payday. I just want my money."
"No. Just take your payday."
"I certainly will. But, I'll be back on Tuesday."
"Tuesday? What's Tuesday?"
"You are giving away the Presidency, aren't you? My daughter really wants one. She said she would like to make government funded solar toilets."
"Uh..."
"Did you know we spend up to three years of our lives in the bathroom? She will make a great President, don't you think?"
"I need for you to leave now."
"Wait. Don't you want a kiss?"
"I already have plenty of kisses."
"You are a lucky guy. There must be a lot of hanky panky going on in your house usually. [blinks with one eye] Anyway, thanks for the payday. You won't be sorry. Remember, on Tuesday my daughter will come knocking on your door and it will be 'Pirouettes or Presidency.'"

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It Might Be News To You

By Mr. Know-it-all

NEW YORK - This week Jane Magazine announced the winners of the World's Sexiest Man No Longer Alive. beginning last year the fashion and trend tabloid set out to add a new twist to an old idea, by judging sex appeal for dead men to compete with the numerous and long standing "sexiest men alive" comparisons. This year's winners: John Kennedy Jr., Cary Grant, Rudolph Valentino, and Keith Richards. When asked to comment, Mr. Richards -half of the successful Rolling Stones' "Glimmer Twins" duo- took a deep drag on his cigarette and mumured: "Bloody, hell. Back to Haiti for me."

LOS ANGELES - Monday, a fifty year old homeless man was sentenced after being found guilty of arson last February for LA Basin fires set in 2002 and 2006. Steven Emory Butcher was ordered to serve four years in a California State Prison and pay $101, 000, 000 in damages for the 163, 000 acres of devastation caused. A payment plan was agreed upon and after serving his prison term the unemployed man is expected to make final restitution by October of 3056.

In a related story:

DETROIT - A $25 billion federal bailout is needed to prevent a collapse of the Big Three US automobile makers, claims an industry spokesman. To cover the planned cash shortfall Michael Mukasey, Attorney General, for the Bush Administration has ordered in-depth investigations conducted into all recent US "natural" disasters with an emphasis placed on all suspicious homeless or indigents linked to terrorism within the immediate vicinity of the catastrophes.

Bush appointee and chairman of the Council on Environmental Quality James L. Connaughton, who previously lobbied to reduce government regulations for major aluminum and chemical companies as a former legal partner of Sidley Austin LLP, stated in a news conference: "This is 'good' government intervention. Targeting guilty parties for disasters that were erroneously blamed on 'God' in the past will permit blame to be shifted to the 'true' culprits thus permitting governmental agencies the free hand necessary to recover losses from these, covert miscreants, posing under the guise of homelessness, indigent, mentally illness, and physical disabilities."

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DemTools at Radioactive Liberty

Today at Political Humor & Satire by Radioactive Liberty, I give you a peak at Washington's biggest tools.  It's group of funny pictures from the DemTools catalog. You'll never look at a hardware store the same way again.
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Snig: Mae West Interview

Today my very special guest is Snig.  She, for some unknown reason, has decided to play the role of Mae West.  For those of you who are too young to remember Mae, so sorry.  This is the next in a monthly series, where funny bloggers pick a role for me to "interview". So, what do you say? Shall we get on with it?

 
Les: Good evening, I'm Les James and this is my show. About once a month or so I do interviews with various characters. Yeah, I said characters. If you recall last month's, I was supposed to be having a dream date with Sandra Bullock, but instead my former producer and crew thought it would be funny to slip in this smelly ass demon. That SOB took a bite out of my left arm.

My new crew says I'm interviewing Mae West today. Yeah, right. I guess I'm posting on Craigslist tomorrow for another new crew. I hope you guys are going to be able to laugh about this in the unemployment line!

So, without further delay…this had better not be another demon! Let's welcome to the studio, Mae West.

Holy Mother of … it is Mae West! Miss West, I'm so sorry about the introduction. I never would have….

Mae West: If you would have come up to see me some time, I bet you would have. You know Les, I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.

Les: Yeah I can see that. Are those things real? Can I touch 'em?

Mae West: Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If you noticed, I have NOT given you a free hand.

Les: Fine, but maybe later? Sorry, you've got me a little flustered. Okay. For starters, you've been around the political and entertainment scene for a while. I don't mean to imply you're old… Ahhh, sorry, what I'm trying to say is, you're experienced… Oh, this isn't working. Give me a second...

There...better. Now, how about we get to my first question? I mean, this is an interview after all.

So Miss West, with this current economy, President elect Barack Hussein Obama is going to have his hands full when he takes office. What do you see as his top three strategic considerations for strengthening the dollar against the other major world currencies?

Mae West: Yes Les, I've been things and seen places...I've been in more laps than a napkin. No more comments on my experience, okay? As for Obama, yes I'm sure he already has his hands full. Have you seen that wife of his? Now that woman has the curves and I imagine he has a handful of them ever...oh, sorry.

I don't see him as having any strategic considerations. That man is nothing but promises and you know, I've always said an ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. I think we're going to be shorted our pound's worth.

Les: Finally a guest that's politically suave and hot to boot. Hey you guy behind the glass, you're looking at a raise and I don't just mean in my... Whoa! I forgot where I was. Ah, I've got some notes somewhere. Here they are.

Yeah. Next question. Mae, the economy is in the toilet and the Fed seems hell bent on toggling the handle. Congress has got a plunger in its hands, in case there's a blockage. To top it all off, the American people have just voted in a man with conscience of Jack Kevorkian. Do you think it's time to create or support a third party, as the Republicans are floating, face down, in the bowl too.

Mae West: Obama...oh his mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork. I don't know a lot about politics, but I recognize a good party man when I see one. Unfortunately, lately I've seen none.

Les: Interesting. You know I'm usually having a great time pissing off my guest about this time in the interview. But you're different. I don't want to upset you and this confuses me. I guess I should ask you another question. Let's see. Here's a good one. Iraq, should we pull out before we finish the job?

Mae West: Pull out before the job is finished? Have you been paying no attention to me? You.never.pull.out.early. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly I always say.

Les: Wow. You fascinate me. You've got phenomenally firm....er, ah grasp of the situation. So ah...ah, I ah...mean...I was going to say..ah...I got nothin'. Forget the interview. Let's just blow this joint and head out on the town. What da ya say?

Mae West: Well now. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it, but a hard man is good to find. What?? I swear, if I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

Les: I'm trying!

Listen, I've never done this before with a guest. But I can't help myself. It's just that I'm reminded of what my Mom use to tell me, not that I listened to her all that much. She said "don't do anything stupid" and babe, you're not stupid. You want me. All women want me...some to stay away, that whole Bo Peep restraining order thing... Never mind that. I'm coming over there to plant a big, wet one on ya, 'cus I know it's what you need.

Mae West: Few men know how to kiss well and unfortunately, I don't have time to teach you. Got it? If you're not gettin' it, my five heavily diamonded friends are gonna give it to you across the nose.

Les: Now Mae...sweetie, you aren't really going to...

Mae West: Look pal, there are 10 men waiting for me at the door and I've already sent one of them home because I'm tired. Kiss this!

Les: Son of a... You really pack a helluva punch there lady.  But I gotta say, it was the best punch I've ever had. Wow! That's goin' to be sore for a while. Worth it, but sore. I guess we're out of time.  I'd like to do something else I never do and thank my guest Mae West.

Can I touch them now? Hey, put down that fist! Ohhh!

Fine, I don't think I'll be asking you that again.

I, um...I think that went...well.

Somebody get me some ice!

Hey bloggers! If this looks like something you'd like to do, please contact me. We'll make it happen.

Humor-blogs.com is a great cure for swelling.
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Donald Rumsfeld In Retirement

Humor-Blogs knows Gnomes

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Obama Will Lead From The Center

President elect Barack Hussein Obama, Master of the Know Universe and Those Objects Too Tiny to Find With Both Hands, has decreed the He will Rule From the Center! Emotionally aroused crowds of adoring, bleating acolytes, peed themselves as they flocked, during this on-going, giddy festival worthy of the Roman Emperor Caligula.

This celebration of His assumed Magnificence, will come to a head through a consummation ceremony during the first month of the new year. Immediately following the ritual will be the beheading of the members of the last administration.  They will be served cold, as this is how revenge should always be served.

Any who doubt Obama's Resolve, will bear witness to the unveiling of His Plan.  They will see for themselves His unmatched dexterity in manually handling His Rule From The Center! Millions will bow before him and feel a measure of his Rule course through them.

Rumors from some, who claim to have witnessed His Center, are whispering, 'It's too bad he's only half black'.

  

Humor-Blogs hasn't seen it...yet, but they have ordered a microscope. 

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ALL IN THE FAMILY

This is Part 1 of a three part series by Mr Shizzo. He will be here on the second and fourth Mondays of each month.

Who's Your Daddy?

For many years, we did not have to wipe our fannies.
Things were good down there and never smelly.
Of course, in those times of prosperity, we often forgot who to thank.
We just enjoyed ourselves.

But, it has become very clear.
We need someone to look out after us
That's what we need.
All of this mess with our fannies is starting to stink and it could have been avoided.

I mean look at Mae's fannie.
If you let Fannie Mae do whatever she wants with her fannie, she'll let her fannie loose and do it with whoever.
I mean.

It used to be lifelong 30-year fixed commitments.
Whatever happened to these long-term commitments?
Now, its 5-year and sometimes only 3-year commitments.
My goodness.

Yes.
Sometimes people need to be reminded what the difference is between right and wrong. Sometimes people need to be reminded,..."Who's your daddy?"
That's right. "Who's Yo Daddy?"

Your fannie knows who your daddy is.
Your daddy.
Well, it's Big G.
Yes...Big Government.

And if you don't behave for your daddy, you know what happens to you?
You end up like the Lehman brothers.
Yes.
I knew it.

Daddy liked them least.
Daddy never played catch with them.
That's why he left their fannies out to fry.
So, remember that it pays to know... Who's your daddy?

Because he is the only one who can wipe your fannie.

Humor-blogs know who your daddy is.
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Election 2008: The Morning After

Obama singing softly to himself:

“I’m half white
But that’s alright
Because I say
It’s not that way

They can’t attack
Because I’m black…”

He sees his running mate entering the room and stops.

Scrappy Joe walks into a makeshift office, stepping over passed-out sycophants and wading through ankle deep party refuse. Someone groans, pukes and then is silent.

Biden, a little sickened by the scene, makes his way toward Obama.

Biden: “Well, Barack we pulled it off.”

Obama: “What?”

Biden: “ I said…”

Obama: “I heard what you said. You used my first name.”

Biden: “Yeah…”

Obama: “Who the hell do you think you are? I’m Mr. President to you, there sen-a-tor.”

Biden: “Yeah funny. Now can we get down to…”

Obama: “Guards!”

Pause. Biden looks around.

Obama: “Guards!”

A Secret Service agent pokes his head in: “Yes sir, you needed something?”

Obama: “Damn right I do. Take this man to the dungeon and slap him in irons!”

Secret Service agent: “Ah,we're in a hotel sir…they, er…don’t have a, ah, dungeon.”

Waving a dismissive hand at the agent, “Fine. Go away.” Looking at Biden, “You’re lucky I’m in a compassionate mood. I could have you shot.”

Biden just stares

Obama: “First order of business. Send a dozen black roses with a card saying 'So sorry for you loss' over to McLoser’s place.”

Biden’s mouth starts to open but stops half way.

Obama: “Next, I want the Palins to wake up tomorrow morning with a bloody moose head in their bed. That should send a clear enough signal to stay up there in that frozen wasteland.”

Biden’s mouth drops the rest of the way open.

Obama: “You getting all of this?”

Biden nods, dumbfounded, which is a first for him.

Obama: “After that, get Reid, Pelosi and Supremes over here for a chat. They need to know who they work for now. Oh, and get the Constitution and someone who can do calligraphy, there are a few changes I want to make. And then….”

Biden moans, “What have we done?”

The party's never over at Humor-Blogs.com
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Joes Knows

 Today we are joined by a new member of the Sideshow Mirrors family. Mr. Shizzo describes himself as a former dirty, smelly, VW bus driving, hippie type from Colorado,  who now showers regularly and currently resides in California.  Being a former resident of California myself, I have only a one word question to ask him, WHY? Still, welcome to the team.

Joes Knows
by Mr. Shizzo

As many of you know, who have been following the Presidential campaigns, there has been a lot of attention given to certain...Joes. There was Joe the Plumber. And you may ask, whatever happened to Joe Six-Pack? No need to fear, both Joes will not be ignored by either candidate.

I must give credit to the candidates since they are talking about Joe, and not talking about Warren, Donald, or Bill. After all, Warren Buffet is your quintessential Wallstreeter, not like all of us Mainstreeters and Hockey moms, right? I mean, Warren the Plumber? No way. And Donald? Donald Trump doesn't own a six-pack. If anything, he owns six towers and casinos. Donald Six-Pack? I don't think so. I highly doubt Donald has a six-pack under all that "real" hair. The only pack Donald has is one for sale at his casino called his "Weekend Gambling Pack." And Bill? I'm sure Bill Gates does not do any kind of plumbing. Bill the Plumber? Hmm. However, I guess you "could" say that Bill...does Windows.

However, to be honest, there are so many other Joes out there that have been left out. C'mon. What about them? Who is looking out for them? It is a great travesty that so many of us Joes are overlooked by our politicians who are both promising change. For example, consider all these Joes. Country Joe McDonald. "What about me? I'm sitting here in the country, our Heartland, singing country songs, and there ain't nobody caring for me. If this keeps up, I'm gonna do something drastic. I'm gonna stop singing Country songs and start singing...Billy Idol. Yeah,...'Don't you, forget about me.'"

And what about, Mean Joe Green. He is extra mean these days since no one mentioned him. And Joe Montana sitting there in Montana. Joe Washington in Washington. And of course, I am so surprised that they haven't given any attention to the most all-American Joe of all, G.I.Joe! "Yeah, what about me?" They would probably reply, "Oh, sorry. We thought you were happy after we made G.I.Jane." And there are all kinds of other Joes out there. Joe Gargiola. Trader Joes. "My cup of Joe" every morning. And, of course, there is the Joe that one would think is the most common one of all...Joe Smith. After all, he is Joe...Smith, of all surnames. But, no. Joe Smith made millions playing professional basketball. I don't think he needs any extra attention. But, hey.

There is another important Joe out there. There is one all-important Joe that has been completely ignored. This Joe is truly a symbol of the common man, more than Joe the Plumber and more than Joe Six-Pack. It is...Sloppy Joe. Yes. We can all identify with sloppy. So many of us are like this Joe. And neither candidate has said anything about supporting Sloppy Joe. Poor Sloppy Joe. No one has turned his head twice, even to look at your two buns.

So, there you have it. But, I don't want to criticize and stop there. Let me demonstrate what the candidates should actually say, "I am going to fight for the American people. All those Joe Six-Packs out there. You know the ones. You Joe the Plumbers. Country Joe McDonalds. Mean Joe Greens. G.I. Joes. And all of you Sloppy Joes. Because:

(singing)
Don't you Forget about me
Don't Don't Don't Don't

Bwanng. Bwaaaaaang(synthetic musical sounds)
We Won't Forget About You

Will I stand above you?
Look your way and never love you
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Bwanng. Bwaaaaaang(synthetic musical sounds)

Would I recognize you?
Call your name-JOE!- or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down
Say it ain't so, Joe.

No, I know so, Joe!

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling.

(speaking)
Thank you Joe America.
Because...
You are all so full of Joe!
Yes. No doubt.

This is the speech that will, all by itself, win the election!

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The Difference between Democrats and Rebublicans

Today over at Conservative Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty, the conclusion of my two part satirical look at The Real Differences Between Democrats and Republicans. If you've ever wondered what they might be, here's your chance to see them as those in the know do.

The Wizard Ozbama #6

Gather up the kiddies. It's time for the next snapshot of that soon to be released remake of the classic Wizard of OZ. The Wizard Ozbama will appear here every Friday, like your paycheck, and disappear just as quickly. If you've missed any, click on the links below to see all of this exciting series. Last week the Right-Wing Witch made her appearance, this week the Wicked Witch of the Left is seen for the first time.
Check out the first five: The Wizard Ozbama #1 #2, #3, #4, #5

It not a Hollywood blockbuster but Humor-blogs has a lot of new releases. Please drop in and vote for your favorites.

Barack Obama is a Rich, White, Elitist, Liberal

Les: Welcome back to the Les James Show. Today we have as our in-studio guest a top aide to Presidential candidate Barack The Man With No Middle Name Obama. He’s asked to remain anonymous since I’m sure his boss wouldn’t want him appearing with the likes of someone like me. We’ll just call him Guy.

Let’s dispense with the usual formalities and jump right into the questions. What do you say Guy?

Guy: That’s fine with me.

Les: Great. How long have you been with the Obama campaign?

Guy: About a year now. It's been a very interesting time for me, I've grown a lot.

Les: So your taller, that's nice.

Guy: No, I mean, I've learned a lot.

Les: You've been hanging around politicians way too much. You don't say what you mean, do you? Don't answer, that was rhetorical. Enough about you, let's talk about Barack Obama. What is it about him that has some people so excited and don't give me that agent of change stuff.

Guy: Well, he is an agent of change but…

Les: I asked you not to go down that path. Next you’re going to tell me Jesus was a community organizer.

Guy: There are similarities, but OK, I’ll get to your question. What has so many people excited is that we have the chance of electing our first black President.

Les: I knew it! It's all about him being black, isn't it? You're saying that race is the main reason that you think Americans will vote from him?

Guy: No, Obama being black may play a small part but mostly he's the right man for our time.

Les: Good answer. You're wrong about the black part though. Because he's white, you know.

Guy: No, Obama's black.

Les: Why because he says so? He's half white, so that makes him only half black. He says he's black. I say he's white. So in my correct opinion, that makes him just another wealthy, under-experienced liberal, white, elitist. Nothing new there.

Guy: He's black and I don't want to discuss it any further.

Les: Fine he's black, if it’ll make you feel better. But you obviously agree with the rest of my assessment. Now, I've heard it said that Obama's a big man.

Guy: I didn’t say... never mind. Yes, to answer you question, he is a big man, why just this week...

Les: So it's true what they say about black dudes?

Guy: What are you talking about?

Les: You're the one who said he was a big man. I only repeated something I'd heard. Wait a second. You've been peaking haven't you? This is awkward. Are you gay? I mean that's fine if you are. But does Obama know a gay guy has been staring at his...

Guy: I'm not a … I mean, I'm not gay.

Les: Oh my! What was that all about? Well, either you're a liar, or you're a bigot. No sense trying to deny it. Because no matter what you say, you'll only dig yourself in deeper. But either way, tell me about Obama's plan to repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell".

Guy: I don’t appreciated what you’re inferring.

Les: Are you going to answer the question or not?

Guy: I’ll answer your question but only because finally you asked a serious one.

Les: Good, then please answer it.

Guy: I will. Obama believes that every American deserves a chance to serve their country. There are you happy now?

Les: Yep, I am. That wasn’t so difficult was it? Now, you had a lot to do with this line of reasoning, didn’t you?

Guy: As a mater of fact, I did and I'm rather proud of it.

Les: Would that be gay pride or do you just want ‘em out of the wall locker, where they can be easily targeted and beaten half to death?

Guy: I told you, I'm not gay and I don’t want anyone beaten…

Les: Fine. So let’s recap. Obama is a rich, white guy posing as a black one to get votes, who has a savior complex and hires sneaky, homosexual, hate mongers. Do I have that about right?

Guy: You know what? I've had enough of you and your crap. That's it. I'm leaving. I haven’t been so insulted since Rush Limbaugh misquoted me.

Les: Sorry, I should’ve tried harder. Oh, don’t forget your man purse.

Guy: It’s a satchel!

Les: Yeah, whatever.

Guy: Aaaarrrrgggggg!!!

Les: I think that went well.

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The Wizard Ozbama #4

It's Friday, so it's time for the next snapshot of the Wizard Ozbama.




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