Snig: Mae West Interview

Today my very special guest is Snig.  She, for some unknown reason, has decided to play the role of Mae West.  For those of you who are too young to remember Mae, so sorry.  This is the next in a monthly series, where funny bloggers pick a role for me to "interview". So, what do you say? Shall we get on with it?

 
Les: Good evening, I'm Les James and this is my show. About once a month or so I do interviews with various characters. Yeah, I said characters. If you recall last month's, I was supposed to be having a dream date with Sandra Bullock, but instead my former producer and crew thought it would be funny to slip in this smelly ass demon. That SOB took a bite out of my left arm.

My new crew says I'm interviewing Mae West today. Yeah, right. I guess I'm posting on Craigslist tomorrow for another new crew. I hope you guys are going to be able to laugh about this in the unemployment line!

So, without further delay…this had better not be another demon! Let's welcome to the studio, Mae West.

Holy Mother of … it is Mae West! Miss West, I'm so sorry about the introduction. I never would have….

Mae West: If you would have come up to see me some time, I bet you would have. You know Les, I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.

Les: Yeah I can see that. Are those things real? Can I touch 'em?

Mae West: Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If you noticed, I have NOT given you a free hand.

Les: Fine, but maybe later? Sorry, you've got me a little flustered. Okay. For starters, you've been around the political and entertainment scene for a while. I don't mean to imply you're old… Ahhh, sorry, what I'm trying to say is, you're experienced… Oh, this isn't working. Give me a second...

There...better. Now, how about we get to my first question? I mean, this is an interview after all.

So Miss West, with this current economy, President elect Barack Hussein Obama is going to have his hands full when he takes office. What do you see as his top three strategic considerations for strengthening the dollar against the other major world currencies?

Mae West: Yes Les, I've been things and seen places...I've been in more laps than a napkin. No more comments on my experience, okay? As for Obama, yes I'm sure he already has his hands full. Have you seen that wife of his? Now that woman has the curves and I imagine he has a handful of them ever...oh, sorry.

I don't see him as having any strategic considerations. That man is nothing but promises and you know, I've always said an ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. I think we're going to be shorted our pound's worth.

Les: Finally a guest that's politically suave and hot to boot. Hey you guy behind the glass, you're looking at a raise and I don't just mean in my... Whoa! I forgot where I was. Ah, I've got some notes somewhere. Here they are.

Yeah. Next question. Mae, the economy is in the toilet and the Fed seems hell bent on toggling the handle. Congress has got a plunger in its hands, in case there's a blockage. To top it all off, the American people have just voted in a man with conscience of Jack Kevorkian. Do you think it's time to create or support a third party, as the Republicans are floating, face down, in the bowl too.

Mae West: Obama...oh his mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork. I don't know a lot about politics, but I recognize a good party man when I see one. Unfortunately, lately I've seen none.

Les: Interesting. You know I'm usually having a great time pissing off my guest about this time in the interview. But you're different. I don't want to upset you and this confuses me. I guess I should ask you another question. Let's see. Here's a good one. Iraq, should we pull out before we finish the job?

Mae West: Pull out before the job is finished? Have you been paying no attention to me? You.never.pull.out.early. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly I always say.

Les: Wow. You fascinate me. You've got phenomenally firm....er, ah grasp of the situation. So ah...ah, I ah...mean...I was going to say..ah...I got nothin'. Forget the interview. Let's just blow this joint and head out on the town. What da ya say?

Mae West: Well now. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it, but a hard man is good to find. What?? I swear, if I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

Les: I'm trying!

Listen, I've never done this before with a guest. But I can't help myself. It's just that I'm reminded of what my Mom use to tell me, not that I listened to her all that much. She said "don't do anything stupid" and babe, you're not stupid. You want me. All women want me...some to stay away, that whole Bo Peep restraining order thing... Never mind that. I'm coming over there to plant a big, wet one on ya, 'cus I know it's what you need.

Mae West: Few men know how to kiss well and unfortunately, I don't have time to teach you. Got it? If you're not gettin' it, my five heavily diamonded friends are gonna give it to you across the nose.

Les: Now Mae...sweetie, you aren't really going to...

Mae West: Look pal, there are 10 men waiting for me at the door and I've already sent one of them home because I'm tired. Kiss this!

Les: Son of a... You really pack a helluva punch there lady.  But I gotta say, it was the best punch I've ever had. Wow! That's goin' to be sore for a while. Worth it, but sore. I guess we're out of time.  I'd like to do something else I never do and thank my guest Mae West.

Can I touch them now? Hey, put down that fist! Ohhh!

Fine, I don't think I'll be asking you that again.

I, um...I think that went...well.

Somebody get me some ice!

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