Les: Today on The Les James Show, I have the pleasure of talking to one of the world's best loved goat herders, Little Bo Peep and doesn’t she look good enough to eat in that ruffled skirt? Whoa! What’s that hook thing? I'd sure like to find out what you do with that. Oh, yeah sweet cakes...
So, Bo baby, how ya doing?
Bo Peep: Ummm....I'm just peachy, but let's get something straight. I am a shepherdess of sheep. That hag Muffet is the goat herder.
And if you mistake me for her again, I will like sweep your leg with the hook. Got it?
Les: OK, OK. I see how this is going. You like girls. That's cool with me. How about we just get to the questions?
Bo Peep: I like men. Real men. You know the type: the ones that have jobs that don't require sitting behind a desk and looking pretty... like a woman! That's why I have an outdoorsy job--the farmhands are muscle-bound hotties.
Les: Yeah, the farmhands. What ever. Fine, sorry, all right? Now can we just do the interview? Jeez.
Bo Peep: Fine, it was your idea, anyway.
Les: Good. Here we go then.
With the furthering decline of the U.S. dollar against the Euro, how do you see our trade deficit affecting America's ability to compete with the Chinese in an ever-expanding global market?
Bo Peep: Dollars? Hmmm...dollars. Well, I, ah.... Are you saying dollars don't equal dollars anymore? Does that mean they equal quarters?
Euro? What's a Euro? Is that a car? Is it like the Yugo? I have two Yugos that I use to have chariot races with the sheep.
Ummmm...like, I don't know how to answer the question, but since you mentioned Chinese, I'd like some General Tso's. Is that possible? I'll pay you back. Do I pay you back with quarters or dollars?
Les: What ever. I don't care. Do you usually get paid in quarters? Being a sheep hooker and all, I just thought… Oh, never mind. I'll just order out. General Tso's huh? Sounds kind of pinko to me.
Bo Peep: Pinko? Chicken isn't pink unless you don't cook it right!
Oh, and don't think I didn't get that sheep hooker comment, you gold chain, leisure suit wearin' jerk. If you must know, I take Visa. Quarters to hook a sheep? That's a skill not too many possess, you know!
Les: Damn girl, no need to get to so testy. What, hormones out of whack? And just lay off the treads, OK? Look, let's just get to the next question. About made me lose my place. Ah, here it is.
With Russian imperialism raising it's ugly head in the post-Cold War 21st century, do you see the U.S. role as: A- It's none of our business, let the U.N. handle it, or B- Nuke the NeoCom SOBs back to the Stone Age?
Bo Peep: First, who are you to say that Russians are ugly? If you saw sheep butt all day, you'd think Helen Thomas was your dream come true. Second, maybe they would be nicer people if they weren't so cold. Third, why does it matter what we think? If they are cold and are at war with the cold, why not make a sweater and get warm? I have plenty of wool I could sell them. They have Visa cards, right?
Les: Helen Thomas, huh? Well, put a bag over her head…
You know, I thought we'd have an intelligent conversation but hanging out with dumb goats all day must have worn off. Apart from being hayseed, you know what your problem is?
Bo Peep: Problem? My problem? You can't even remember that I herd sheep and not goats. There is a big difference. Sheep are gentle woolen creatures and goats just like to put their noses where they don't belong.
Les: Oh, it's like that is it?
Bo Peep: Yeah, it is like that! In fact, I have a right mind to just up and leave this so-called interview. What did I do with my hook?
Les: Yeah, your hook and the goat, or what ever, you rode in on.
Bo Peep: Sheep! I herd sheep! You gotta thing for goats?
Les: Have a thing for goats? Well, you’ve got a sick, twisted... What are you doing? Where do you think you’re going? We’re not through yet. I know you can still hear me through that door! Get back in here and clean-up this straw you’ve tracked in!
I think that went well.
Today we've had a chance to see the real Little Bo Peep. Tune in next time on The Les James Show, for another insightful interview with some of today's most interesting guests. This is Les James saying, good evening and have a kind word for those around you.
Are we off? Good. Rob get my 30/30 out of the dressing room. We're going goat hunting.
Attention Humor Bloggers! If you'd like to join me in one of these bizarre interviews, please contact me with an idea of what type of character you'd like to play.
Photo: picnic by ellie