Back In My Day...

by Mr Shizzo

I have been around a long time so I know a lot of things that our youth today know so little about. I asked them what a Depression is. They said, "Depression? I totally feel your vibe there. I've been feeling that way a lot. I've been feeling depressed my whole life, so we totally connect on this one, man."
And when I mentioned "Recession," many youngsters asked, "What's that? Does that have something to do with my hair loss?"

The young generation is clueless. So I decided that I would give the youngsters a quick run-down on how much things have changed since my day:

Back in my day, gas cost $4.60/gallon.
Back in my day, the Dow was at 14,000
Back in my day, every President was Caucasian and male.
Back in my day, you could do whatever you wanted without government regulation.

To this, they replied, "Wow! You sure have lived a long time. And you look so young, still. What's your secret?"

I replied, "I stopped watching the television show, Heroes, so I was getting to bed earlier."

"That's all it took?"

"Yes."

"I didn't realize Heroes was on the air that long? How long have you been around?"

"Three months."

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Czar Inc.

If history repeats itself, then what follows a Czar...is Communism.
Luckily, we have averted that road by not creating a Car Czar. However, when I took a look at the Sideshow Mirrors Looking Glass, I saw the future we avoided. Let me show you what I saw:

One month after the Car Czar was created, the Car Czar was offered a luxury car from each of the automakers. The auto makers believed, "If the Car Czar drives our car, it means he favors our company." At first, the Car Czar tried to be fair. He decided to drive a car with the exterior of a Cadillac, the engine of a Ford, and the interior design of a Chrysler.

A couple of years later in 2010, the Car Czar got tired of regulating three companies and made some widespread decisions. The Car Czar decided to combine all three companies, merge the management, and make himself in charge of the government's new car company, which he renamed, "Czar Car."

Six months later, the first "Czar Car" rolled off the assembly line. People lined up to buy it because it was the only car people were allowed to buy.

Two years later in 2012, the Food Czar decided to merge all food companies into one company renamed, "Czar Foods."

A month later, the Gas Czar, the Technology Czar, the Education Czar, the Energy Czar, the Financial Czar, the Airline Czar, the Food Czar, the Military Czar, and Car Czar decided to merge together under one products and services company called, "Czar Incorporated."

Thanks to all the necessary government regulations and jobs programs overseen by the many Czar's after the recession of 2009, the country successfully reached its full potential. People all had jobs and were heavily regulated. It was only a year later that the Czar's decided to change the Constitution with a new amendment. This amendment stated, "Replace the Constitution with Communism". For specific details, dial Old Mother Russia using the dusty red dial-up phone now located in the storage closet in the southern wing of the White House."

Image by Mr Shizzo

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Hillary Bolt!

[Radio Ad is played in a deep and dramatic male voice]

It's 3 a.m. The kids are asleep. The phone rings. It's a national emergency. Who do you want answering the phone?"

[pause]

"Yes. Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State.



At a press conference, reporters question Hillary Clinton about the radio ad

"But, Hillary. I thought you wanted to be President when you ran that ad."

Hillary winks at the reporter and says in a game show voice.

"Gotcha!"

Hillary continues

"I fooled all of you. The entire time I ran for President, I was secretly running for Secretary of State. I'm a winner! Yes! I'm a big, big winner!"

Hillary starts to "raise the roof" with both hands up. Her hips begin to shuffle in rhythmic celebration.

"Uh, huh. Uh, huh. That's right. That's right."

Photographers are taking pictures of her. The reporters have dropped jaws. One reporter speaks up.

"Hillary. I am certain you were running for President when you ran that ad. And you lost the Democratic nomination. You are a big loser. That's what you are."

Hillary still rolling her hips and now singing.

"I'll travel the world, the seven seas. And guess who will be paying for my airfare and in-flight caviar."

Hillary points to the crowd of reporters in front of her.

"It's you. It's you tax payers, baby. C'mon. That's right. And I fooled you all the entire time. You all thought I was running for President, but that wasn't it at all."

Hillary smiles and waves.

"And all those five-star hotels around the world. All the fine cultural tours. All the international cuisine. That's the life of the Secretary of State. I'm the winner. I'm the Champion!"

A reporter bursts out loudly.

"Hillary, where are you going to go first...Disneyland?"

Hillary turns, runs a few feet, spreads her arms, glides across an imaginary finish line, and makes an Ussain Bolt pose.

"Jamaica!"

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George W: Hits and Misses

With a changing of the guard in DC, outgoing president George W. Bush has been mulling over regrets from his time in office. With that in mind Mr Know-it-all presents:


[ed note: Mr Know-it-all considers himself to be middle-of-the-political-road.  From where I stand this makes him a commie. However, in keeping with the finest journalistic tradition (and in fear of the pending reinstatment of  Fairness Doctrine) Sideshow Mirrors is happy to publish his views.]

George W. Bush Greatest Hits...and misses.

Bush "I do wish I'd paid more attention in school..."
86 % of Americans surveyed: agree.

Hit: decisive actions in the wake of the terrorist attacks on 9/11.
Miss: the wrong decisive actions in the wake of the terrorist attacks on 9/11.

Hit: convincing both parties to approve military intervention in Iraq.
Miss: having no one to blame for the military intervention in Iraq.

Hit: finally catching Saddam Hussein.
Miss: the anti climax of hanging a scruffy gray-haired ex-dictator.

Hit: finding the smoking gun that pointed to weapons of mass destruction.
Miss: finding that smoking gun really pointed at obsequious CIA political appointees.

Hit: carrying Florida precincts in the 2000 election known to vote overwhelmingly Democrat.
Miss: someone suggesting voter fraud in Florida precincts known to vote overwhelmingly Democrat.

Hit: forcing FEMA to submit to the Department of Homeland Security.
Miss: the first response of the DHS after hurricane Katrina.

Hit: convincing the American people that the press is controlled by liberal interests.
Miss: failing to convince the press.

Hit: assisting Americans take control of their economic retirement funds.
Miss: finding out Americans don't know feces from Florsheim shoes when it comes to economic retirement funds.

Hit: watching the stock market crest record highs.
Miss: watching the stock market plummet to record lows.

Hit: aiding friends and former business partners reach new levels of prosperity.
Miss: not being allowed to attend the funeral of "Kenny boy" and Enron.

Miss: waiting for the subpoena for Halliburton hearings.
Miss: worries that too many former Texas Rangers have been implicated in MLB's steroid investigation.

Hit: exercising the National Guard and Reserves in real life combat situations.
Miss: finding out they have parents and loved ones with free time on their on hands.

Hit: coming from a family of deep political stock.
Miss: finding out your grandfather made millions off the Nazis.

Hit: enjoying the highest "job approval" rating of any modern president.
Miss: suffering the lowest "job approval" rating of any modern president.

Hit: having the undying support of the "conservative radio pundits."
Miss: hearing the "conservative radio pundits" exude their uninformed vitriol.

Hit: expounding on the "Bush" sense of economics.
Miss: someone actually taking it seriously.

Hit: revealing to Americans that the notes backing the Social Security trust are "just paper."
Miss: some liberal suggesting that "cash" is "just paper."

Hit: having two beautiful young daughters in the White House.
Miss: not having two beautiful young daughters in Iraq fighting with the US Army.

Hit: the heroic rescue of Pvt. Jessica Lynch.
Miss: facts surrounding the heroic rescue of Pvt. Jessica Lynch.

Hit: landing on the flight deck of the USS Lincoln with a huge "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.
Miss: landing on the flight deck of the USS Lincoln with a huge "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.

Hit: a carefully guided public presentation of the Commander in chief under the genius of Karl Rove.
Miss: not having Karl Rove stop the Commander in chief from using words like "ooching" when referring to international terrorism.

Hit: cultivating a close relationship with the Russian President.
Miss: discovering that Russian President isn't much different than a Soviet Premier.

Hit: putting the needs and will of the American people ahead of criticism from the world at large via the UN.
Miss: begging like a dog for bone to have the UN approve that same plan of action and having it flatly denied.

Hit: giving millions to combat AIDS in Africa.
Miss: waiting until the number dead is too large to ignore before acting.

Hit: enjoying the support of the Religious Right.
Miss: discovering the Religious Right requires certain minimum behavior standards from Senators and Congressmen.

Hit: debunking Al Gore and his liberal agenda with regards to Global Warming.
Miss: finding out it's probably true.

Hit: being remembered as the Education President for creation of "No Child Left Behind."
Miss: being remembered as something different for failing to fund "No Child Left Behind."

Hit: alerting the world to the "axis of evil."
Miss: finding it to be a bust.

Hit: gathering support for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
Miss: discovering one of your backers was caught in an airport bathroom allegedly cruising for gay sex.

Hit: leading US soldiers to defend their country 8000 miles from home.
Miss: having it suspiciously sound like something from the LBJ administration.

Hit: being a "decider."
Miss: basing those "decisions" on gut reaction instead of a close examination of the facts and responsible evaluation of each course of action.

Hit: putting "compassionate conservative" into the American lexicon.
Miss: having it defined as an obtuse oxymoron.

Hit: a president who can connect with the common man.
Miss: a president who can't connect with anyone sporting a triple digit IQ.

Hit: admitting publicly to an alcohol problem.
Miss: no longer having a good excuse for stupid comments or behavior.

Lastly--
Miss: being regarded as the weakest president in US history.
Hit: having no where to go but up

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Joes Knows

 Today we are joined by a new member of the Sideshow Mirrors family. Mr. Shizzo describes himself as a former dirty, smelly, VW bus driving, hippie type from Colorado,  who now showers regularly and currently resides in California.  Being a former resident of California myself, I have only a one word question to ask him, WHY? Still, welcome to the team.

Joes Knows
by Mr. Shizzo

As many of you know, who have been following the Presidential campaigns, there has been a lot of attention given to certain...Joes. There was Joe the Plumber. And you may ask, whatever happened to Joe Six-Pack? No need to fear, both Joes will not be ignored by either candidate.

I must give credit to the candidates since they are talking about Joe, and not talking about Warren, Donald, or Bill. After all, Warren Buffet is your quintessential Wallstreeter, not like all of us Mainstreeters and Hockey moms, right? I mean, Warren the Plumber? No way. And Donald? Donald Trump doesn't own a six-pack. If anything, he owns six towers and casinos. Donald Six-Pack? I don't think so. I highly doubt Donald has a six-pack under all that "real" hair. The only pack Donald has is one for sale at his casino called his "Weekend Gambling Pack." And Bill? I'm sure Bill Gates does not do any kind of plumbing. Bill the Plumber? Hmm. However, I guess you "could" say that Bill...does Windows.

However, to be honest, there are so many other Joes out there that have been left out. C'mon. What about them? Who is looking out for them? It is a great travesty that so many of us Joes are overlooked by our politicians who are both promising change. For example, consider all these Joes. Country Joe McDonald. "What about me? I'm sitting here in the country, our Heartland, singing country songs, and there ain't nobody caring for me. If this keeps up, I'm gonna do something drastic. I'm gonna stop singing Country songs and start singing...Billy Idol. Yeah,...'Don't you, forget about me.'"

And what about, Mean Joe Green. He is extra mean these days since no one mentioned him. And Joe Montana sitting there in Montana. Joe Washington in Washington. And of course, I am so surprised that they haven't given any attention to the most all-American Joe of all, G.I.Joe! "Yeah, what about me?" They would probably reply, "Oh, sorry. We thought you were happy after we made G.I.Jane." And there are all kinds of other Joes out there. Joe Gargiola. Trader Joes. "My cup of Joe" every morning. And, of course, there is the Joe that one would think is the most common one of all...Joe Smith. After all, he is Joe...Smith, of all surnames. But, no. Joe Smith made millions playing professional basketball. I don't think he needs any extra attention. But, hey.

There is another important Joe out there. There is one all-important Joe that has been completely ignored. This Joe is truly a symbol of the common man, more than Joe the Plumber and more than Joe Six-Pack. It is...Sloppy Joe. Yes. We can all identify with sloppy. So many of us are like this Joe. And neither candidate has said anything about supporting Sloppy Joe. Poor Sloppy Joe. No one has turned his head twice, even to look at your two buns.

So, there you have it. But, I don't want to criticize and stop there. Let me demonstrate what the candidates should actually say, "I am going to fight for the American people. All those Joe Six-Packs out there. You know the ones. You Joe the Plumbers. Country Joe McDonalds. Mean Joe Greens. G.I. Joes. And all of you Sloppy Joes. Because:

(singing)
Don't you Forget about me
Don't Don't Don't Don't

Bwanng. Bwaaaaaang(synthetic musical sounds)
We Won't Forget About You

Will I stand above you?
Look your way and never love you
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Bwanng. Bwaaaaaang(synthetic musical sounds)

Would I recognize you?
Call your name-JOE!- or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down
Say it ain't so, Joe.

No, I know so, Joe!

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling.

(speaking)
Thank you Joe America.
Because...
You are all so full of Joe!
Yes. No doubt.

This is the speech that will, all by itself, win the election!

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Sideshow Mirrors is still looking for new talent to grace the pages of this austere publication. If your desperate enough to give away your work for free -just to see it published- we're desperate enough to consider it.

Humor Writer, Where for Art Thou?

I decided to take some time off from this blog. The original intent was to provide a place for aspiring writers  to see their humor published.  While I've received dozens of hits looking at my request for submissions, not a single person has sent in anything that could be used.  I have to assume then that either humor writing is very difficult or very few have the real desire to put themselves out there for others to enjoy or criticize.

My thanks go out to my old friend, Sgt Bilko, a woman with the balls to allow others a glimpse into her slightly warped mind. 

I will continue to write for Conservative Humor and Satire by Radioactive Liberty and work on my various writing projects.  If at such time as other writers come forward, I will resume this blog.