By Mr. Know-it-all
NEW YORK - This week Jane Magazine announced the winners of the World's Sexiest Man No Longer Alive. beginning last year the fashion and trend tabloid set out to add a new twist to an old idea, by judging sex appeal for dead men to compete with the numerous and long standing "sexiest men alive" comparisons. This year's winners: John Kennedy Jr., Cary Grant, Rudolph Valentino, and Keith Richards. When asked to comment, Mr. Richards -half of the successful Rolling Stones' "Glimmer Twins" duo- took a deep drag on his cigarette and mumured: "Bloody, hell. Back to Haiti for me."
LOS ANGELES - Monday, a fifty year old homeless man was sentenced after being found guilty of arson last February for LA Basin fires set in 2002 and 2006. Steven Emory Butcher was ordered to serve four years in a California State Prison and pay $101, 000, 000 in damages for the 163, 000 acres of devastation caused. A payment plan was agreed upon and after serving his prison term the unemployed man is expected to make final restitution by October of 3056.
In a related story:
DETROIT - A $25 billion federal bailout is needed to prevent a collapse of the Big Three US automobile makers, claims an industry spokesman. To cover the planned cash shortfall Michael Mukasey, Attorney General, for the Bush Administration has ordered in-depth investigations conducted into all recent US "natural" disasters with an emphasis placed on all suspicious homeless or indigents linked to terrorism within the immediate vicinity of the catastrophes.
Bush appointee and chairman of the Council on Environmental Quality James L. Connaughton, who previously lobbied to reduce government regulations for major aluminum and chemical companies as a former legal partner of Sidley Austin LLP, stated in a news conference: "This is 'good' government intervention. Targeting guilty parties for disasters that were erroneously blamed on 'God' in the past will permit blame to be shifted to the 'true' culprits thus permitting governmental agencies the free hand necessary to recover losses from these, covert miscreants, posing under the guise of homelessness, indigent, mentally illness, and physical disabilities."
Humor-Blogs has pin-ups of Keith Richards