Friday, December 5, 2008

George W: Hits and Misses

With a changing of the guard in DC, outgoing president George W. Bush has been mulling over regrets from his time in office. With that in mind Mr Know-it-all presents:

[ed note: Mr Know-it-all considers himself to be middle-of-the-political-road.  From where I stand this makes him a commie. However, in keeping with the finest journalistic tradition (and in fear of the pending reinstatment of  Fairness Doctrine) Sideshow Mirrors is happy to publish his views.]

George W. Bush Greatest Hits...and misses.

Bush "I do wish I'd paid more attention in school..."
86 % of Americans surveyed: agree.

Hit: decisive actions in the wake of the terrorist attacks on 9/11.
Miss: the wrong decisive actions in the wake of the terrorist attacks on 9/11.

Hit: convincing both parties to approve military intervention in Iraq.
Miss: having no one to blame for the military intervention in Iraq.

Hit: finally catching Saddam Hussein.
Miss: the anti climax of hanging a scruffy gray-haired ex-dictator.

Hit: finding the smoking gun that pointed to weapons of mass destruction.
Miss: finding that smoking gun really pointed at obsequious CIA political appointees.

Hit: carrying Florida precincts in the 2000 election known to vote overwhelmingly Democrat.
Miss: someone suggesting voter fraud in Florida precincts known to vote overwhelmingly Democrat.

Hit: forcing FEMA to submit to the Department of Homeland Security.
Miss: the first response of the DHS after hurricane Katrina.

Hit: convincing the American people that the press is controlled by liberal interests.
Miss: failing to convince the press.

Hit: assisting Americans take control of their economic retirement funds.
Miss: finding out Americans don't know feces from Florsheim shoes when it comes to economic retirement funds.

Hit: watching the stock market crest record highs.
Miss: watching the stock market plummet to record lows.

Hit: aiding friends and former business partners reach new levels of prosperity.
Miss: not being allowed to attend the funeral of "Kenny boy" and Enron.

Miss: waiting for the subpoena for Halliburton hearings.
Miss: worries that too many former Texas Rangers have been implicated in MLB's steroid investigation.

Hit: exercising the National Guard and Reserves in real life combat situations.
Miss: finding out they have parents and loved ones with free time on their on hands.

Hit: coming from a family of deep political stock.
Miss: finding out your grandfather made millions off the Nazis.

Hit: enjoying the highest "job approval" rating of any modern president.
Miss: suffering the lowest "job approval" rating of any modern president.

Hit: having the undying support of the "conservative radio pundits."
Miss: hearing the "conservative radio pundits" exude their uninformed vitriol.

Hit: expounding on the "Bush" sense of economics.
Miss: someone actually taking it seriously.

Hit: revealing to Americans that the notes backing the Social Security trust are "just paper."
Miss: some liberal suggesting that "cash" is "just paper."

Hit: having two beautiful young daughters in the White House.
Miss: not having two beautiful young daughters in Iraq fighting with the US Army.

Hit: the heroic rescue of Pvt. Jessica Lynch.
Miss: facts surrounding the heroic rescue of Pvt. Jessica Lynch.

Hit: landing on the flight deck of the USS Lincoln with a huge "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.
Miss: landing on the flight deck of the USS Lincoln with a huge "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.

Hit: a carefully guided public presentation of the Commander in chief under the genius of Karl Rove.
Miss: not having Karl Rove stop the Commander in chief from using words like "ooching" when referring to international terrorism.

Hit: cultivating a close relationship with the Russian President.
Miss: discovering that Russian President isn't much different than a Soviet Premier.

Hit: putting the needs and will of the American people ahead of criticism from the world at large via the UN.
Miss: begging like a dog for bone to have the UN approve that same plan of action and having it flatly denied.

Hit: giving millions to combat AIDS in Africa.
Miss: waiting until the number dead is too large to ignore before acting.

Hit: enjoying the support of the Religious Right.
Miss: discovering the Religious Right requires certain minimum behavior standards from Senators and Congressmen.

Hit: debunking Al Gore and his liberal agenda with regards to Global Warming.
Miss: finding out it's probably true.

Hit: being remembered as the Education President for creation of "No Child Left Behind."
Miss: being remembered as something different for failing to fund "No Child Left Behind."

Hit: alerting the world to the "axis of evil."
Miss: finding it to be a bust.

Hit: gathering support for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
Miss: discovering one of your backers was caught in an airport bathroom allegedly cruising for gay sex.

Hit: leading US soldiers to defend their country 8000 miles from home.
Miss: having it suspiciously sound like something from the LBJ administration.

Hit: being a "decider."
Miss: basing those "decisions" on gut reaction instead of a close examination of the facts and responsible evaluation of each course of action.

Hit: putting "compassionate conservative" into the American lexicon.
Miss: having it defined as an obtuse oxymoron.

Hit: a president who can connect with the common man.
Miss: a president who can't connect with anyone sporting a triple digit IQ.

Hit: admitting publicly to an alcohol problem.
Miss: no longer having a good excuse for stupid comments or behavior.

Miss: being regarded as the weakest president in US history.
Hit: having no where to go but up

Humor-blogs has all the Hit...and misses
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Les James said...

I'll have to agree with compassionate conservatism as an ill conceived term. I suppose Obama could come out and say that he was for compassionate liberalism but it would lend the same impression that most liberals don't care about people either. It shows a lack of understanding of the typical American, who ranks among the most generous people in the world. It's a term best fitting the politician and not the voters.

Mr. Shizzo said...

Fun stuff.
By the fifth "hit," you sunk my battleship.