Friday, January 15, 2010

Ed Begley Jr: Life Without Ed - or Ed, Without Life

News you might like to see...

Ed Begley Jr. (Actor; Environmentalist) died last week in a local hospital after a brawl with a redneck over the benefits of Horse Shit.

Apparently, the Redneck -so enraged over Ed’s position to swallow- the Redneck broke Mr. Begley’s beak

Doctors at Santa Monica Rhinoplasty worked feverishly to repair Mr. Begley nose. “Everything was going fine until Ed woke up from the anesthesia.” Dr. Tom said. “We had placed tubes in his nose that went down his throat hooked to a breathing machine.

When Ed came too, he looked around slowly at all the lights and then at the machines we had him attached to and yelled "IS ALL OF THIS NECESSARY?" He reached out and grabbed a hand full of electric plugs and pulled them out of their sockets. This, cut off his air supply.” Dr. Tom explained.

Dr. Tom and three nurses tried to wrestle away the plugs but to no avail. Mr. Begley succumbed to suffocation before they were able to plug him back it.

An un-named nurse was overheard saying: “By the time he got here, the swelling was very bad. Plus there was a lot brown foreign material lodged his nasal cavities. It kinda smelled like horse shit. Maybe we could have saved him if we just got him here sooner. But he insisted on waiting for an electric ambulance to take him to the Emergency Room, only three blocks away.”

“He was a very stubborn man and he stuck to his convictions, right to the end.” Rachelle Begley, Ed’s wife, said.

Services are not yet scheduled.


It seems that Ms. Begley is having some trouble finding a final resting place for her beloved Ed.

“At first I thought I would just bury him in the back yard. Ya know? Great worm food and No fuss - No muss. But, I soon found out after digging the hole in the yard and one of my fascist right-wing neighbors called the cops. They told me that it was completely illegal.

My Second Idea was the mountains. Ed loved the mountains. So I called The Sierra Club, and asked about a local mountain top where I could take Ed’s body, chopped it into tiny pieces and let the birds carry him away. It would be beautiful, wouldn’t it? Well, my ‘Good Friends’ at the EPA threatened me with huge fines and jail time for polluting the environment! PETA threatened to turn me in for feeding human waste to wildlife. Some friends, huh?

Next, I figured a nice Burial-At-Sea would be cool. Ed really didn’t like the sea but what the hell, he’s dead and I’m running out of ideas.” “Fish need to eat too, Damn it” Exclaimed Ms. Begley.


At the time of this writing Ed Begley Jr’s body still lies in the Los Angeles County Morgue - forgotten.

He will be most likely cremated, polluting LA’s air even more and his ashes dumped in a local landfill.

All at the taxpayers’ expense.

Rachelle Carson (Begley) has been spotted recently around Hollywood with an unnamed Baldwin brother.  


Les James said...

I kind of favor the Air Burial idea. When I die, I'd want to be hacked to pieces on top of the Capital Building. The birds would eat my flesh and afterwards, relieve themselves all over Washington. This way I can have an impact on DC.

Fred said...

You know, this site would be pretty funny, if I were a 17-year-old Wrestling fan.

Les James said...