Monday, September 29, 2008
Each month earth shaking events are celebrated across the U.S.A. Unfortunately, you probably have never heard of most of them. Yeah October has Columbus Day and Halloween, but I'm sure many were too dumb to know October is Sarcastic Awareness Month. That was sarcasm. Get it? Me saying that some of you were dumb by not knowing... Oh, forget it.
Below you're going to find a short list I've compiled of the truly important events and observances that you really need to know. By celebrating these, you can enrich your life and the lives of your friends and relatives. I don't think it will bring about world peace -that's a different month.
Month: Pickled Pepper, Sausage, and Pizza Month.
Weeks: 5-11: National Metric Week, 19-25: National Water Week.
Days: 1: World Vegetarian Day, 2: Name Your Car Day, 3: Federal Income Tax Day, 4: Taco Day, 5: Be Nice to Lawyers Day, 7: Bathtub Day, 8: Tube Top Day, 10: Tuxedo Day, 11: Sausage Pizza Day, 14: Full Moon Day, 15: Grouch Day, Oatmeal Day, 18: Watch A Squirrel Day, 20: Shampoo Day, 21: Babbling Day, 23: Mole Day, 26: Mule Day & Mother-in-law's Day, 27: Boxer Shorts Day, 29: The Internet's Birthday, 31: Frankenstein Day
Happy Birthday Internet!
Every day is Humor-Blogs Day. Please head there and give a smilie face for a blog you love.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Check out the first four: The Wizard Ozbama #1 #2, #3, #4
It ain't Oz but Humor-blogs has some funny stuff. Please drop in and vote for your favorites.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Democrat Senator Chris Dodd, Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee gets a sweetheart deal from the now defunct Country Wide and then bemoans that home mortgages are the lynch pin that caused the current banking crisis.
While up on the Hill, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Fed Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake have been hanging around Congress trying to persuade our leaders to act quickly to soften the impact of the coming big drop, but they're still arguing about the type and length of the rope.
What's all the fuss about? Well, there's this really big number twisting in the breeze out there. Something like 700 billion. No one seems willing to say that it's really going to be a lot bigger. This number-what ever it ends up being- will have a whole lot of zeros behind it. It represents the cash that America doesn't have that will be spent in an attempt to fix a system that our leadership helped break.
And who gets to be strangled with the debt cause by these ginormous bail-outs? Yep, the taxpayer. In case you weren't sure who this is, it's you and me and your children and their children.
If you listen to people like Democrat Senator Hillary Clinton -who's millions in debt from her inability to balance her failed campaign's checkbook- this all started back in 1999 when Republican Senator Gramm co-sponsored the Gramm, Leach, Bliley Act that then President Bill Clinton signed. Apparently it's all Gramm's fault and according to some and should be sent to the gallows.
Meanwhile in Central Park, illusionist, escape artist and flagrant self-promoter David Blane is hanging upside down for 60 hours. Why? Just to prove that he can, I guess. The old saying goes that hangins' too good fer 'em. Blane's out to prove it's not.
So if hanging upside down is not too good for the likes of David Blane or Benito Mussolini, then I say kick the stool out from under those who caused this mess. I've got a long list of CEOs, CFOs, Congressmen, Senators and maybe a President of two that should swing from the rafters by their ankles.
Right at the moment I'd just keep my eye of Senator Gramm. He may not be taking the long walk right now but he is a Senator, so you never know.
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Monday, September 22, 2008
Les: Welcome back to the Les James Show. Today we have as our in-studio guest a top aide to Presidential candidate Barack The Man With No Middle Name Obama. He’s asked to remain anonymous since I’m sure his boss wouldn’t want him appearing with the likes of someone like me. We’ll just call him Guy.
Let’s dispense with the usual formalities and jump right into the questions. What do you say Guy?
Guy: That’s fine with me.
Les: Great. How long have you been with the Obama campaign?
Guy: About a year now. It's been a very interesting time for me, I've grown a lot.
Les: So your taller, that's nice.
Guy: No, I mean, I've learned a lot.
Les: You've been hanging around politicians way too much. You don't say what you mean, do you? Don't answer, that was rhetorical. Enough about you, let's talk about Barack Obama. What is it about him that has some people so excited and don't give me that agent of change stuff.
Guy: Well, he is an agent of change but…
Les: I asked you not to go down that path. Next you’re going to tell me Jesus was a community organizer.
Guy: There are similarities, but OK, I’ll get to your question. What has so many people excited is that we have the chance of electing our first black President.
Les: I knew it! It's all about him being black, isn't it? You're saying that race is the main reason that you think Americans will vote from him?
Guy: No, Obama being black may play a small part but mostly he's the right man for our time.
Les: Good answer. You're wrong about the black part though. Because he's white, you know.
Guy: No, Obama's black.
Les: Why because he says so? He's half white, so that makes him only half black. He says he's black. I say he's white. So in my correct opinion, that makes him just another wealthy, under-experienced liberal, white, elitist. Nothing new there.
Guy: He's black and I don't want to discuss it any further.
Les: Fine he's black, if it’ll make you feel better. But you obviously agree with the rest of my assessment. Now, I've heard it said that Obama's a big man.
Guy: I didn’t say... never mind. Yes, to answer you question, he is a big man, why just this week...
Les: So it's true what they say about black dudes?
Guy: What are you talking about?
Les: You're the one who said he was a big man. I only repeated something I'd heard. Wait a second. You've been peaking haven't you? This is awkward. Are you gay? I mean that's fine if you are. But does Obama know a gay guy has been staring at his...
Guy: I'm not a … I mean, I'm not gay.
Les: Oh my! What was that all about? Well, either you're a liar, or you're a bigot. No sense trying to deny it. Because no matter what you say, you'll only dig yourself in deeper. But either way, tell me about Obama's plan to repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell".
Guy: I don’t appreciated what you’re inferring.
Les: Are you going to answer the question or not?
Guy: I’ll answer your question but only because finally you asked a serious one.
Les: Good, then please answer it.
Guy: I will. Obama believes that every American deserves a chance to serve their country. There are you happy now?
Les: Yep, I am. That wasn’t so difficult was it? Now, you had a lot to do with this line of reasoning, didn’t you?
Guy: As a mater of fact, I did and I'm rather proud of it.
Les: Would that be gay pride or do you just want ‘em out of the wall locker, where they can be easily targeted and beaten half to death?
Guy: I told you, I'm not gay and I don’t want anyone beaten…
Les: Fine. So let’s recap. Obama is a rich, white guy posing as a black one to get votes, who has a savior complex and hires sneaky, homosexual, hate mongers. Do I have that about right?
Guy: You know what? I've had enough of you and your crap. That's it. I'm leaving. I haven’t been so insulted since Rush Limbaugh misquoted me.
Les: Sorry, I should’ve tried harder. Oh, don’t forget your man purse.
Guy: It’s a satchel!
Les: Yeah, whatever.
Les: I think that went well.
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Friday, September 19, 2008
Drop everything and please head over to Humor-blog.com to vote for your favorite blogs.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Son: "Mom can I have a $1200 dollars to go buy a flat screen TV for my room?"
Mom: "That's funny."
Son: "I'm serious. I really want one."
Mom: "I'm serious too. No. Even if we could afford it, which we can't, you still couldn't have one."
"Dad, can I use your credit card to get a flat screen TV for my room?"
Dad: "Sure son. I don't know how were going to be able to pay off that card anyway."
Son: "Thanks Dad, you're the greatest."
Politicians: "Can we borrow against our great-grand children's future to bail out a bunch of companies that have given us a lot of money and then hold no one to blame?"
American People: "That's funny."
Politicians: We're serious. We really want to."
American People: We're serious too. No. Even if we could afford it, which we can't, you still couldn't bail them out."
"Federal Reserve, can we bail out a bunch of companies that have given us a lot of money and then hold no one to blame? Oh, and we have no idea how or if it will be paid back."
Federal Reserve: "Sure and we'll print-up a bunch of cash to infuse into the Wall Street to boot. Let's face it there's no way can ever pay off all our debts any way."
Politicians: "Thanks Ben, you're the greatest. Got to go now. We have to get back and pass laws to "fix" the problem. We're going to be heroes."
Call me cynical but I get it. We're being told by the very people who got us into this financial mess that they are the only ones who can get us out. It's kind of like having some one stab you in the gut with a knife. They then state they didn't do it and that they are the only ones who can remove the knife, which they do. The only problem is, they don't stop the bleeding.
Follow the money. After all, it's yours to begin with.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Anyone who’s ever been in the military knows the pecking order between the services. In terms of toughness, it goes: Marines, Army, Navy, and Air Force. And then there’s subcategories, Active, Reserves, National Guard. So when a patient comes in for medical treatment, some medics will treat the patient first by priority of their injury or illness, then by the Toughness Scale of Treatment.
Basically, it works like this: Two patients come in at the exact same time. One is a Marine with a sore throat (more about him later) and a National Guard soldier with a broken arm. Obviously, you take the National Guard dude first, and then help the Marine. Simple, right?
Let me tell you a little story that happened in the Emergency Room at Fort Irwin, CA. Names will be changed to protect the medics from lawsuits.
We had just had shift change and I was headed to the front desk to make sure Phat Paddy (I have nicknames for most of the people I work with) was good to go. On the way up front, while I was still 15 feet behind a closed door, I hear the most God-awful wailing coming from the waiting area. Thinking some poor lady was in full blown labor and was about to deliver right on the front desk and I would have to help clean up the mess, I hurried to the front.
Phat Paddy and Kornfed were both at the desk, looking rather amused. A patient was on one of the gurneys that we keep up front for air medical evacuations, rolling and wailing like someone was jamming a toilet brush down his throat or something. Maybe he was in labor, but I ruled that out pretty quickly by determining that he was a male.
I had to physically look, because the noise and commotion he was creating made me think of a 16 year old rich-bitch drama queen who didn’t get the Mercedes Benz that daddy had promised her. Phat Paddy and Kornfed just shook their heads when I asked what was going on with the patient.
I spoke with the patient and he said that he had a sore throat that was “killing him”.
While inputting his info in the computer, we discovered two things. One, he was an Active Duty Marine officer and Two; he had already been seen earlier in the day and given antibiotics and painkillers.
He was also told that he had Strep throat and it would take a few days for the antibiotics to work and to take the pain meds for his throat. I know having Strep throat is painful, I’ve been through a few bouts myself, but this was something I had never seen or expected to see. Both of my parents were Marine Drill Instructors, so you can imagine my disdain with the situation. And the wailing continued….
Due to the commotion, we bring the Marine with the sore throat to the back for screening. His crying and whining continued while we try to get vital signs and a medical history from this big, 6’3”, 225-pound Marine officer. The nurse on shift (lets call him Russell), had heard the guy hollering and yelling. One thing you have to know is that the floor nurses work a 24-hour shift, while the medics only worked a 12 hour shift. So, Russell had already dealt with this particular patient and was not very sympathetic to his situation, since the patient had not taken his pain meds.
How goofy do you have to be to understand that if you are in pain and have been given something for that pain, it might be prudent to take the drugs? So Russell informed Kornfed and me that he wanted bilateral IVs started, nothing less than an 18 gauge catheter was to be used and that one of us had better miss with the first stick.
We had stuck one of the IV bags in the freezer for about ten minutes before we began sticking because we knew the guy was going to just carry on and on about his pain. We figured we could give him something to take his mind off of his throat and give him something else to worry about.
Being the senior medic, I got to be the one who missed the first stick. I jammed that needle into his arm, dug it around a bit, then admitted I had blown the vein and would have to restick him. Without removing the tourniquet I assembled another IV set. He was bleeding all over the place from my earlier jab, but I went ahead and stuck him properly.
We got the fluid flowing and with some meds jacked into the IV bag, he eventually settled down. Remember, one of the bags had been in the freezer for a bit. After a while, he started cooperating with us and asking for blankets because he was shaking from being cold.
We told him again that he needed to take his prescriptions, he started talking about how he was a Marine and he didn’t need any painkillers, yadda yadda yadda. I asked him that if he was such a tough Marine and could take pain, why was he rolling and caterwauling like a little drama queen all over my gurneys? No answer, of course. We discharged him after the IVs were finished and the doc gave him a stern warning about his drugs and that if he returned within 24 hours for the same complaint, that he (the doc) would admit the patient and have IVs, heart monitors, and a urinary catheter put in.
Seems the thought of having a rubber hose jammed into his, you get the idea, worked wonders for pain control. By the time we discharged him, he was in a hurry to get out of there. And we giggled for the rest of the night.
Oh, and the National Guard soldier with the broken arm? He ended up waiting patiently in the waiting area until we could get him treated.
Sgt Bilko is active duty Army NCO and I’m the retired version. Being a Non-Commissioned Officer in any branch of the service automatically ranks one higher on the not-a-big-pussy scale than any officer in any branch. I may make an exception for those in special ops. If you agree or disagree, we’d really enjoy hearing from you, either in the comment section or by sending in your own funny stories.
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Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
It's Friday, and that means it's time for the next in the exciting series, The Wizard Ozbama. Tune in every Friday from now until the election for an exclusive still from the upcoming movie.
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Wednesday, September 10, 2008
It’s been a few weeks since Michael Phelps greedily took more than his far share of gold medals at the Beijing Olympic games. Leno joked with Phelps that if he was a country he would have come in 9th in the gold medal count. Beating France. Funny? Sadly no.
Michael Phelps is only the latest in a long list of non-contributing individuals who seek fame and fortune while doing nothing to really better mankind. Another typical jock? Maybe not in this case. Much like the “coincidences” in the Lincoln/Kennedy assassinations, there is the Obama/Phelps Connection.
Michael Phelps has had 1.5 million Phans flood his Facebook page. That’s as many as Barack Obama. The similarities between the two don’t end there. Currently Phelps is just behind Obama as the most famous, non-celebrity celebrity in the world. Sorry Anna Nichole.
Not enough for you?
Obama has been given untold millions to run around the country promoting himself. Phelps stands to get 100 million to do the same. Obama was indorsed by Oprah. Phelps has been on her show. Obama’s been on Saturday Night Live. Phelps is guest hosting the season opener. Both have been on the cover of Time magazine.
Phelps is starting his own charity, a la Bill Clinton. He will give that charity 1 million dollars or about 1% of his wealth. Obama has a record of giving less than ½ of one percent to charities, while the average American gives 2.2% of their hard earned cash to the needy. Shame on you Michael and double shame on you Barack.
Not convinced yet?
Wait there’s more! My Mom always said, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you who you are.” Obama’s friends include a lunatic pastor, a known terrorist, an indicted Chicago slumlord and the well-known swimmer, Ted Kennedy. See what I mean about “coincidences”? Swimmer and a Kennedy.
And Phelps friends? He is known to hang around swimmers. I don’t know if any of them are named Lincoln or Kennedy, but it wouldn’t surprise me. A few days ago he face planted in a bar in Vegas after fondling –up innocent young girls at a hotel. Lately he’s been seen with Kid Rock. You know, the guy who was so unkind to his lovely wife Pamela Anderson. Rock has a new CD out. It’s called Rock and Roll Jesus. Just another example of the messiah complex that hovers around these two.
Then there is his new friend, the gangster rapper, Akon. Can you say Chicago? This guy was caught on film shoving one woman off of a platform at concert in Guyana and punching another in the face. Nice friends Michael.
The facts are overwhelming. The question is, what do we do about it? We don't really want these types of people influencing our youth do we? I’d have to say no. The bottom line is, that no one should have that kind of power. I say we get Samuel L Jackson to hunt them down -like he did those guys in Jumper, and for the same reasons. Let’s keep America save from the likes of Barack Obama and Michael Phelps.
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Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sideshow Mirrors is looking for humor writers. If you can tell a funny story or make one up, consider submitting your best work for consideration.
Satire, parody, cartoons, funny verse and photoshop'ed pictures are all being sought. Political and military subjects will be given first consideration but all work will be considered.
It's difficult to get published anywhere, even in a non-paying humor blog. I was given a break some time ago and now I've started this site with the idea of extending that kindness to others.
It doesn't matter if your conservative or liberal, Republican, Democrat, Independent or just don't care. Funny is what matters. Look over the Submission guidelines and send them in.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Spending 20 years in the Army gave me more than a retirement, it gave me a whole slew of funny stories. I plan to re-tell one of these humorous events at a rate of one a month. That should give me enough to last a few years anyway.
My first duty station was Fort Bliss Texas. For those of you who have never had the privilege of living in El Paso, congratulations. But I digress.
I was assigned to an Air Defense Artery Battalion as a medic. Back then our uniforms were starched fatigues, highly polished, black boots and white T-shirts. My field ambulance was the M792 Gama Goat.
I believe its design came from the loser of a third grade “draw a truck” contest. While it did have a unique ability to get across desert better than most vehicles, it was just plain butt ugly. Originally intended as an all-purpose, sort of amphibious vehicle designed around the terrain of Viet Nam, it never actually lived up to its claims. So the Gama Goat got shuffled off to the desert and other less wet stateside climates.
Staff Sergeant Cecil Young was my platoon sergeant. A nice guy but woefully mechanically inept. One cold day, which necessitated the wearing of our clean and highly pressed jackets, he decided he needed to show me how to change my vehicle’s oil. Having grown-up repairing cars, I had a pretty good idea of how to do this, but he insisted.
I drove my Goat up the ramp in the motor pool and positioned it over an open 55 gallon drum, half filled with waste oil. I joined SSG Young under the vehicle.
The Gama Goat was designed more like a boat than a truck. The wheels stuck out through its ‘hull’ and the bottom was a flat plate of metal. To access the engine oil drain plug, one had to unscrew a round plate, which was about five inches or so in diameter and weighed about one and half or two pounds. This process required a socket wrench or a breaker bar. SSG Young demonstrated the technique.
The round plate was directly over the 55 gallon drum. Once the plate was out of the way, the engine oil drain plug could be removed and the oil would flow into the waiting drum.
SSG Young unscrewed the plate but he forgot to perform the next step, which was preventing it from falling into the drum. The plate landed as flat as could be right in the center of the waste oil. After dropping about four feet the plate had picked up a bit of speed. The impact sent oil flying.
I was younger and quicker than SSG Young. He just stood there and watched as the front of his immaculately clean jacket and starched pants got covered in oil.
I didn’t say a thing. Didn’t crack a smile. Good Army discipline.
Undeterred -and without a word spoken between us- he grabbed a wrench and proceeded to “show” me how to put an arm through the now open hole to access the engine oil drain plug. He slowly unscrewed the plug and when it was loose, it dropped past his arm and landed –with less of a splash- into the open drum. After adding insult to injury, the plug had the decency to disappear to the bottom, coming to rest next to its larger cohort.
SSG Young looked at me. I displayed a stone like demeanor, reveling nothing of the fact that I was ready to drop to the ground and roll around laughing until I cried.
It was about this time that he realized his arm was still extended up through the access hole and warm oil from the engine was pouring down the inside of the arm of his jacket.
Slowly he removed his arm. He looked over the ruined jacket, pants and shirt. Still, without a single word spoken between us, he bent over and fished the plate and drain plug out from the bottom of the waste oil barrel. He placed them on the ramp and walked off.
We never spoke of it.
If you have a funny military story, please look over the submission guidelines. If it meets Sideshow Mirrors obviously lax standards, you just might see it here.
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Gama Goat pict: carolinasaviation.org
Saturday, September 6, 2008
It would go something like this:
Friday, September 5, 2008
Just as in the original, until Dorothy reaches Oz, the film will be in grainy black and white.
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Thursday, September 4, 2008
Monty: First of all, I buy a small latte so in ‘fact', or as you like to call 'theory', I bought the wifi access. And I am not a socialist. I don't think everyone should share, just the rich should share with the less-rich and the poor. I thought trickle-down economics was a good thing? Are you rich and trying to protect your off-shore investments from our tax code? How many poor children have to die before rich people pay more taxes?
Les: Shut-up! I told you I'd give you you're chance. Where was I? Oh, yeah.
Are all of the modern conveniences that you seem to enjoy somehow detached from the so-called 'rape of the earth'? No and hell no! You're the lowest form of pond scum that leaches life from those who actually produce the modern miracles that you deride. And another thing, I'll compare you to whom ever I damn well feel like.
Come on, what can you possibly say to that other than just calling me names, huh? Give it your best Gandhi-like non-violent shot, you Mother Earth sodomizing, sicko.
Monty: Because of your kind’s thirst for oil, I have to live WITHOUT modern conveniences like a motor vehicle or electricity. I make my own candles and converted an exercise bike to power my laptop because you want to drill more frigging oil in Alaska.
And now you have the politician to help make it happen, none other then the governor of the ANWAR reserve, Sarah Palin. Looks like it’s more games and lobbying from big oil.
Les: I’ve really had about enough of your self-righteous whining. If you cared as much about this earth as you profess, you’d do the right, just and noble thing and just remove your carbon footprint altogether. But instead you’ll keep on blaming others and burdening the earth you claim you love. Be a shining example for, hopefully, thousand of others just like you to follow. Set it free Batty, set it free.Screw this crap. I’m out of here. Have a nice candle-lit life, Monty.
Stupid, liberal SOB. Damn I wish I could get my hands on his scrawny, mommy’s boy, bleed-heart, piece of …
Calm down, Les. OK, it’s over. Don’t let him get to you. Breath… All right.
There, much better. Fine.
I think that went well.
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Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Recently some "friends" told me about a new blog. They thought I'd enjoy reading it. Yeah. Well, all I can say is that not only didn't I "enjoy" it, it made the bile in my stomach rise up in my throat. Monty Oscar Nelson-Battison, or Batty as I like to call him, is the author of The Super Liberal. This is one of the most left-wing, socialist, Kool-Aide drinking blogs I've seen since Daily KOS. It's so far left that it's made it way on to my Axis of Evil list.
To say we've had words is an understatement. It finally came to a head and I challenged him to do this interview. For some stupid reason, he agreed.
Les: I have a hard time going to your blog. I find you deeply disturbing. But I'll give you credit for even answering your cell phone. To be as gracious a host as I can, tell me what you hope to accomplish by publishing the rubbish that you do.
Monty: Of course you see rubbish because that is all your kind produces, just a bunch of materialistic crap that breaks down into little modules of plastic thus clogging the arteries of children. I'm not the one killing children am I?
For someone who says they have a hard time going to my blog you sure do spend a lot of time there. Hippocrates called dude, he wants his oath back. Gaia damnit, no wonder why humans are causing global warming.
And don't ever compare me to that trash KOS...hold on for a little while, my mom needs me to come home and put the laundry in the dryer...okay back. KOS doesn't have the balls to be as liberal as I am. He still drives a car and writes for a magazine that kills trees. Sounds like someone who sold out his leftism to me.
Les: So let me see if I understand this, you live a completely, 100% free of any influence upon the earth life? Bull crap and I'll tell you why. Where to begin? The hypocrisy that you have already alluded to is yours and it oozes from every hemp fiber of your being.
Let's start with cell phone you're talking on, the laptop you use to produce the "rubbish", and I do call it rubbish as it's a waste product of what I'm sure you'd term 'abuse of the resources that belong to Gaia' or what ever. Where did they come from, huh and at what cost under your preciously held 'theory' of Global Warming? But I'm getting head of myself.
Monty: The environmental damage from the creation of my cell phone and laptop has already happened. I can only stop the future, not the past. That’s your best? When you bring the ball to the hole you better come correct son, as a famous poet once written.
Les: Don't interrupt me, Batty. You'll get your chance.The coffee beans didn't just roll up here from South America to that energy sucking Starbuck's where you steal bandwidth you know. Is your bike biodegradable? Wasn't it -according to your brand of socialism- 'produced by some down trodden children in a forced labor camp work environment, after the materials were made by spewing toxic garbage all across your beloved Mother Earth', all so you could put on self-righteous airs and claim you're a better person than the rest of us? The best you should claim is that you're killing this world in a slow, humane manner. Just at little poison over a very long period of time. That way it won't hurt so bad. That's a very sick and twisted way of 'loving' something. I'm sure Mommy approves…
Tune in tomorrow for the rest of this riveting interview.
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Monday, September 1, 2008
Aren't these the very same people who can't stand to see Republican women getting ahead? The ones who racially slurred Condie Rice and now are calling Sarah Palin trailer trash?
You far left wackos are very sick people. For being the 'party of inclusion', you have a lot more in common with the KKK than the USA. Sorry Rev. Wright for paraphrasing your view of Republicans.