The Wizard Ozbama #9

This is the final snapshot in the series, The Wizard Ozbama.  You'll just have to wait to see how is turns out like everyone else.

Check out the other eight: The Wizard Ozbama #1 #2, #3, #4, #5 ,#6, #7, #8,

Humor-Blogs is turning blue, holding it's breath

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Humor Writer, Where for Art Thou?

I decided to take some time off from this blog. The original intent was to provide a place for aspiring writers  to see their humor published.  While I've received dozens of hits looking at my request for submissions, not a single person has sent in anything that could be used.  I have to assume then that either humor writing is very difficult or very few have the real desire to put themselves out there for others to enjoy or criticize.

My thanks go out to my old friend, Sgt Bilko, a woman with the balls to allow others a glimpse into her slightly warped mind. 

I will continue to write for Conservative Humor and Satire by Radioactive Liberty and work on my various writing projects.  If at such time as other writers come forward, I will resume this blog.

 

The Wizard Ozbama #8

This week, the Cowardly Lion gets a much needed dose of Courage.

Check out the first seven: The Wizard Ozbama #1 #2, #3, #4, #5 ,#6,#7,

The Life and Times of Sgt Bilko: Tidbits of Humor

by Sgt Bilko

Oh, how the time, she do fly. So instead of telling a long and detailed story, I decided just to pick a few rather more amusing moments from the Life and Times of Sgt Bilko….

…after never having consumed a frapacchino before, chugging 5 bottles in a row and running thru the ER at 2 a.m. screaming; “It’s BACON!!!!!!!!”

…writing everyone’s nickname on the room assignment board and then having a Mass Casualty occur, which brought in everyone from the hospital commander on down. Try explaining why “Blair Witch” has trauma room 2 and “Phat Paddy” is on the desk when confronted with an angry Colonel at 3 a.m.

…going on an emergency call and having one of the firefighters crawl over your back while you’re administering care. If he hadn’t been wearing his turnout coat, I’m sure I would have fractured his ribs when I elbowed him and growled, “You’re not my boyfriend, get off my back.”

…being asked by a Private, “SGT Bilko, you’re from Alabama, can you teach me how to tie a noose?” and answering “PVT Cruz, you’re from Puerto Rico; can you teach me how to steal a car stereo?”

…being partnered with someone you despise during combatives (where they teach us hand-to-hand combat) and breaking her nose because you decided that UFC rules should apply.

…getting cited by the city cops for popping off rounds from your 9mm pistol and telling the Chain of Command that you’re “a redneck and that’s what we do.”

…telling the Sergeant Major that you’d rather get thrown out of the Army, live in your pickup and be a cook on the night shift at Waffle House than stay under his influence and command.

…chugging three Monster drinks before Physical Training formation and belching so loud the First Sergeant thought the cannon had gone off and called the whole company to attention and saluted.

…while administering the new Flu shots for this year, telling officers that they had the option of having the shot, the Flu Mist, or the Flu suppository.

…pulling up your Enlisted Records Brief and finding out that you’ve been listed as having been at one station (Dwell Time) since 1990. How can you be surprised that the Army thinks you’ve been sitting at one station for 18 years when it takes 6 months to get one simple allotment started?

Next month….either more amusing tidbits as I get ready to finally get OUT of the 3rd Infantry Division and go to a new base or possibly a 3 page rant on being still stuck IN the 3rd Infantry Division.

If this has you smiling, please go to Humor-Blogs and share that smile.
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The Wizard Ozbama #8

Getting closer to the election now. Finally, we get to see the Wizard Ozbama.



If you missed any of this series, here they are:The Wizard Ozbama #1 #2, #3, #4, #5 ,#6, #7

See wants behind the curtain at Humor-Blogs.com
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Fiar: Interview With A Demon

Each month I ask a well know humor blogger over to have some fun by being interviewed as the character of their choice. Today my very special guest is a mentor and friend, Fiar from Conservative Humor & Satire by Radioactive Liberty.

Interview With A Demon

Les: Welcome back to the Les James Show. In studio today we have an unusual guest. His name is Uh'uhuh and he's a demon.

I actually know very little about Mr. Uh'uhuh since my producer just dropped him on me at the last second. I thought we where having Sandra Bullock as our guest today. Yeah I see you all laughing behind the glass over there. Very frikkin funny. Pulled a fast one on Les. But that's OK, I'm a professional. I can handle it.

So let's bring him in. The demon Uh'uhuh.

Jeeze, you're ugly! Someone bring a towel or something. No way are you going to plop that nasty looking bare keister on my new leather chair. Just stay right there until one of the laughing boys gets you something to park that thing on.

Now Mr. Uh'uhuh or can I call you Uh'? You're going to have to bend over and speak into the microphone. Oh good here's a towel. Go ahead and take a seat. But be careful with those cloven hooves, I just had the Brazilian Cherry floor refinished. So tell us a little bit about yourself.

Uh'uhuh: Well, I'm a demon that was spawned 47,000 years ago in a-

Les: That's great. Wait. Did you say 47,000 years? That's almost as long as Biden's been in the Senate. I kill myself. Anyway, we'll just jump into the meat of the matter.

Fiscal irresponsibility got us into a real mess. Which candidate do you see as being best prepared to get us out of the banking crisis, John McCain or Barack Obama?

Uh'uhuh: The way I see it, I'm never getting the respect that I deserve. All the other gods and demons have their worshipers, but never poor forgotten Uh'uhuh? People just don't realize how important I am.

Les: Yeah no respect, you and Rodney Dangerfield.

Well, it seems, once again, I've got a guest that's not interested in politics. The last one was the tasty lamb chop, Bo Beep. That sassy sheep herder could... Hang on. What's that smell? It's like rotten eggs. Damn, did you fart? Someone open a window.

What's that Steve? Brimstone? Oh, hell.

Fine just tell me why you are soooo important?

Uh'uhuh: Stupid human. I am the demon of indecisiveness. If you don't think that's evil, just think about that the next time that your wife can't decide which pants make her butt look less fat. They all look fat! Because her BUTT IS FAT!

Then you'll be late for that important dinner with your boss about that promotion. Then when you don't get the promotion and you get into a fight with your wife, kill her, bury her in the backyard and run to Mexico.

Think of me. Indecisiveness... Evil.

Les: Indecisiveness huh? Yeah I can see that. I can't decide which is worse, your butt ugly face or your stench. So tell me oh scary demon, what have you done for yourself?

Have you planned for you future? Do you have a secure pension, a well diversified 401(k)? Or are you just another leach on society that's expecting people like me to take care of you in your old age? Ah, hit the nail on the head. Your kind makes me sick.

Uh'uhuh: No, I don't have pension. I don't even have worshipers. Oh, all the other demons think they're so great with all their adoring acolytes. I almost had a cult once, but they couldn't decide whether to meet on Tuesdays or Wednesdays.

Like it freaking matters. I don't care what day of the week it is. Just worship me. I'm EEEEEEVIL!

Les: Whatever. Oh pity me, I don't have followers. Worship me I'm evil, he says. Yeah, I'll see if I can get around to that on Tuesday. No Wednesday. No Tuesday. You're pathetic, you know that?

No one really cares about your problems. Sniveling and whining about poor old me. It's apparent you're a product of you own bad decisions. You decided to be indecisive or most likely you didn't even do that. So what did you expect?

Uh'uhuh: I expected to have a little cult of my own like the other demons. And possibly a little praise from you here on this interview. What goes around comes around, you know, and mark my words, this will come back to haunt you.

May your putrid little country be plagued with an indecisive and incoherent leader in the upcoming election. May your...

Les: Blah, blah, blah…. Oh just frikkin bite me.

Uhuhuh: As you wish. *Chomp* I think that went well.


Humor bloggers! If this looked like fun from the outside, just think how much better it would be from the inside. If you'd like to play a character to be interviewed please contact me. We'll make it happen.

Humor-Blogs.com is as funny as hell. Go there and vote for this or other humorous blogs
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Donkeys, Elephants and Cows, Oh My

Today at Conservative Political Humor & Satire by Radioactive Liberty, I spin a little tale of the elephants, donkeys and cows. It's 2008 election satire where herbivorous go wild.

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John McCain: In His Own Words

John McCain is not known for his subdued nature. He can get a little hot under the collar now and again.

Here are a few of his responses to statements and questions. Once again, I pulled them off of web sites without knowing what the original statements or questions were. So I did my best to fill in those blanks. You really didn’t think that I would stop with Obama did you? Here he is, John McCain, in his own words.

Question: “Some have said that when it comes to border security, you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground. How do you respond?”

McCain: “Sure. Technically, I don't know."

Question from a MTV interview: “What do you think about the voting system on American Idol?”

McCain: “Dishonest and dishonorable.”

Question: “Why are the congressional washrooms always in such a state?”

McCain: “The problem… is that most members of Congress don’t pay attention to what’s going on.”

Follow-up question: “Does this apply to you? Is your aim off too?”

McCain: “It's easy for me to go to Washington and, frankly, be somewhat divorced from the day-to-day challenges people have.”

Question: “It’s said that there’s a secret document that has the actual number hotels or condos where Senator Kennedy has been found with a hooker, passed out. Can you give us any details?”

McCain: “I think -- I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where -- I'll have them get to you.”

Question from a sixth grade teacher during a visit to a classroom: “Senator McCain would you please tell us your experience with money matters that effect our current banking crisis?”

McCain: “I understand the economy. I was Chairman of the Commerce Committee that oversights every part of our economy.”

Statement from a sixth grader in that class: “My dad says that even us kids know more than you do about the economy.”

McCain: “F*** you! I know more about this than anyone else in the room.”

Question from a recent rally: “Senator, you’ve hinted at a plan that you say will free the American people from the Democrat control of government. Could you please tell us what that is?”

McCain: “Across this country this is the agenda I have set before my fellow prisoners. And the same standards of clarity and candor must now be applied to my opponent."

Question: “Here at FFA we teach the principles of farming to our youth. Do you have any words of wisdom for them?”

McCain: “Never get into a wrestling match with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.”

Question: “Several bloggers have referred to Sarah Palin’s body as hot. Have you seen these post?”

McCain: “I have not had a chance to see it in writing, so I have to examine it.”

From a frantic woman in Pennsylvania: “If Obama isn’t the devil then he’s demon possessed. Senator McCain, you have to stop the Obamanation from getting into office, he will destroy our country and eat our children!”

McCain: “Ma’am, let me say that I don't disagree with anything you said."

I had a chance to ask Senator John Sidney McCain what he thought of my treatment of his responses.

Les: “Senator, are you suggesting that I’m not a funny writer?”

McCain: “No, I’m calling you a f***ing jerk.”

Les: "I see. Is there anything you’d like to add?”

McCain: “I'm John McCain, and I approved this message.”

Humor-Blogs is filled to the brim with mavericks. Go there a brand one for yourself.

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Sarah Palin Must Die

A sick, satirical look at ourselves

A partisan Alaskan commission has found Sarah Palin guilty of influencing the firing of somebody in connection with not firing someone else. Burn her at the stake.

George Bush and Dick Cheney are guilty of lying to America about WMDs in Iraq. It's the chair for both of them. Along with their Cabinet, advisers and friends.

Congress is just plain guilty of so many things that they have to be lined up against the Potomac and gunned down like the traitors they are. This also takes care of McCain, Obama and Biden.

Thirty-one governors have let their states fall into financial ruin. Hang 'em high. The other 19 or 26, depending on who you believe, will if given the chance, so might as well hang them too.

The state legislatures were involved, draw and quarter them.

Mayors and city counselors across the country are irresponsible, if not criminal in someones mind. Slitting their throats is in order.

County commissions and all other non-military state and federal government employees are stooges. Off with their heads.

Military personal must be executed in order of rank, from the bottom up. Generals, being last, will swallow their sidearms.

The heads of all evil corporations (and they're all evil) have to fry in their mansions, while those who work for them must be rounded up and set ablaze in the high-rise office buildings and factories where they orchestrated their greedy rape of the earth.

Run all judges through with swords.

Price gouging shop and gas station owners and employees must play on the freeways.

Lawyers and used care salesmen are to be stoned by angry mops.

Police officers, firemen, the CIA, DEA, BATF, FBI, NCIS and all the rest of those initials will drink poison.

Wall Street and all other global financial centers must be nuked. The Cayman Islands and Switzerland have to included for good measure.

Anyone who has ever made a racial slur or has ever discriminated against anyone has to be clubbed until their brains spill.

Death by choking on large objects to all fags and to those who are intolerant of alternate life styles.

Wipe out Hollywood types and journalist through drownings.

Level the schools with the teachers still inside.

Planned Parenthood, all abortion clinics, adoption centers and right to life organizations and everyone of their members needs to put plastic bags over their heads and sit in corners. Just the people, not the buildings.

Torch the cities as they are the modern Sodoms and Gomorrahs of our time. Likewise destroy the rural areas as these people are feeble minded.

Next stake out all conservatives in the desert, followed by the liberals, followed by the apathetic.

Those who believe in evolution have to be made extinct and religious type are right behind them. They can go meet their gods.

Oh almost forgot bloggers. Actually, they should have been on the top of the list, right behind that power hungry, gun slinging, nasty, hockey mom

All that are left now are the children. They'll succumb to diseases, exposure, wild animals and hunger in a short period of time.

There, now we can all live in a perfect country.

Hello! Hello! Is anybody out there?

Humor-blogs.com is a lot funnier.

The Wizard Ozbama #7

You may want to shield the little ones' eyes this week. The Wizard Ozbama gets a little graphic at this point. Two weeks ago we saw Sarah Palin in a cameo role. This week Joe Biden flies in for a peak. Catch this series every Friday until the election.



Check out the first six: The Wizard Ozbama #1 #2, #3, #4, #5 ,#6

Like this or any other Sideshow Mirrors post? You can vote for them at humor-blogs.com

Job Hunting Satire

Welcome to Sure Happy It's Thursday© or S.H.I.T. Today is a dedicated to all of you who are looking for, or would like to look for different employment.


To whom it may concern,

I am writing this letter to inform you of my decision to look for another job. I will be leaving immediately as the interview process is lengthy and it will take me away from this area for some time.

You may find it odd that I would do this, since I have only been employed here for a short period of time but I believe it’s been long enough to use on my resume. In fact, many of my fellow employees are backing me in this decision.

Luckily for me the people doing these interviews are not very bright. I know from what I’ve learned here and at my previous position, that I should be able to convince them to hire me over the far more experienced candidates.

While I am gone I expect to be paid in full for the job that I won’t be doing and retain my entire benefits package and all perks related to my position here. Further I expect to be given a glowing recommendation from the heads of this establishment.

It’s comforting to know that should I somehow fail to obtain the employment that I am seeking, that my office is waiting for me here.



Sincerely,




Senator Barack Hussein Obama


You won't find too many jobs but you will find funny listings at Humor-blogs.com

Crisis in Faith, Guest Post at RT's Ponderings

If My Bible Were a Club, You'd be Dead is a serious look at a crisis of faith within ranks of the American Conservative Christian. RT of RT's Ponderings allowed me to guest post this piece to remind so many of you that God is still in command and to stop your worrying about our current situation with our country's upcoming election, financial situation, and other events that touch our lives.

I will be adding links here to all bloggers who are supporting this effort through their own post. If you don't have a blog and want to contribute, please comment at RT's and tell your friends.

Bloggers who are willing to stand up:

You Should Be Tasered
Musings of a Vast Right-Winger

McCain/Obama Town Hall Debate

First off this was no debate nor was it a Town Hall meeting. That being said, I read between the lines and came up with the following conclusions. I'll keep this short, as it's getting late.

McCain wants the economy to be run like Ebay.

Obama wants to stop all lobbying. So I guess he won't be getting money from the FMs any longer.

McCain wants to buy my neighbors house that dropped in value and let them re-finance at that lesser value simply because they bought more house then they could afford while I have to continue to pay for my house at the price I bought it for and pay through my taxes for my neighbors house too. Try saying that in one breath.

Obama doesn't think the U.S. participated in WWII, at least in part, to stop the Holocaust .

McCain now refers to Obama as "that one," sort of like picking out perps in a line-up.

The rest of my comments have to do with Barrack Hussein Obama. Because I don't like him and this is my blog. Not that I have really have any great love for McCain but like I said, it's my blog.

The elected President Musharraf (who was kicked out of office) was a dictator.

If Pakistan can't or won't, Obama will go into that sovereign country to kill Obama, er I mean Osama bin Laden. So bin Laden is guilty, but if we capture him on the battle field he needs his Miranda Rights read to him, then given a fair trial before we kill him. Huh?

Obama's wife Michele knows more than he does.

If Iran develops the bomb it could fall into the hands of terrorist.

We can weaken Russia and Iran if we stop driving our cars.

Oh, and he wants to fix Medicare and Social Security in his first term.

So, what did you get out of their monumental exchange of ideas?

The Difference between Democrats and Rebublicans

Today over at Conservative Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty, the conclusion of my two part satirical look at The Real Differences Between Democrats and Republicans. If you've ever wondered what they might be, here's your chance to see them as those in the know do.

Barack Obama, In His Own Words

Quotes are funny things. When you lift them from a list, you have no idea what the context might have been. The following answers are straight out of the mouth of Barack Obama, I had to guess at the questions. I hope I wasn’t too far off.

Question: When your young children don’t mind what do you do? Put them on restriction, take away TV? How do you punish them?

Obama: I've got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby.

Question: Why should Americans support you when your administration would grow a bigger government, raise taxes and make the average Joe more dependent upon Washington, meaning they'll have to work a lot harder while having less money and freedom?

Obama: Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.

Question: I know you have a lot on your plate but what is the most pressing question in you life?

Obama: Why can't I just eat my waffle?

Question: What do you think of conservative talk radio?

Obama: We have real enemies in the world. These enemies must be found. They must be pursued and they must be defeated.

Question: If you suddenly could no longer be in government service what would you do with yourself?

Obama: With the changing economy, no one has lifetime employment. But community colleges provide lifetime employability.

Question: Do you have faith in Joe Biden to keep his mouth shut?

Obama: You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt.

Question: What do you see as the major difference between your presidential bid and that of the campaign ran by John Kerry?

Obama: John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded.

Question: Why do you want to be President?

Obama: Money is not the only answer, but it makes a difference..

Question: Why has your campaign turned to using negative ads?

Obama: In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?

Question: Sarah Palin has a down to earth, folksy way of speaking, of explaining the issues to the common people in a way they can understand . What's your approach?

Obama: Issues are never simple. One thing I’m proud of is that very rarely will you hear me simplify the issues.

Question: You’ve stated that Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure had a profound impact upon your life. Why?

Obama: We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent.

Question: If you could retract one statement that you’ve made during your campaign, what would it be?

Obama: Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Question: I understand you love chili and that you've been searching for that perfect bowl in each state that you visit. How’s many bowls before you've got them all?

Obama: Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.

Question: Polls show Congress with single digit approval numbers. What do you see as the solution to reign in the childish behavior of you and your colleagues?

Obama: What Washington needs is adult supervision.

Question: Is there anything you'd like to add?

Obama: The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife.

Question: Can we stop this now?

Obama: Yes we can!

In the words of Obama, People of Berlin - people of the world - this is our moment. This is our time. So click here and vote for the post you love.

Hot Sarah Palin Bikini and Pin-up Pictures

Do to the over-whelming demand for these Hot Sarah Palin pictures, I've created flickr account where you can see them all in one place. Later I will add a number of my other Little Photo Shop of Horrors favorites from this blog as well as those from my post at at Conservative Political Humor at Radioactive Liberty where the Palin bikini, French Maid and Wonder Woman pictures were first uncovered. Enjoy and keep those card and letters coming.

Bush Ask SPCA to Fix Banking Crisis

Bush attempts a last minute out-of-the-box solution to the Banking Crisis in this satirical parody of an AP news story by Les James. Get in on his latest suggestifacations for fixing our financial crisis by popping over to Conservative Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty.

The Wizard Ozbama #6

Gather up the kiddies. It's time for the next snapshot of that soon to be released remake of the classic Wizard of OZ. The Wizard Ozbama will appear here every Friday, like your paycheck, and disappear just as quickly. If you've missed any, click on the links below to see all of this exciting series. Last week the Right-Wing Witch made her appearance, this week the Wicked Witch of the Left is seen for the first time.
Check out the first five: The Wizard Ozbama #1 #2, #3, #4, #5

It not a Hollywood blockbuster but Humor-blogs has a lot of new releases. Please drop in and vote for your favorites.

Palin/Biden Debate: Joe Fails Math Test

Biden infers poverty wiped out in America.

Senator Joe Biden who has been in the Senate long enough to know basic facts about America, like population, really screwed up tonight in his debate with Sarah Palin.

Some would say he lied, others would say he exaggerates a wee bit now and then or just plain can't do simple math. I'll go with lied. He is a career politician after all.

For someone who aspires to the second highest office in the land, he sure has a hard time with things like facts, or at least keeping them straight.

Here's just the latest example of his inability to keep in touch with our country.

"The middle class under John McCain's tax proposals -- 100 million families, middle class families, households to be precise -- they got not a single change, they got not a single break in taxes."

While on the surface there may be some truth to this, the U.S. Census Bureau gave the total population of the United States as 301,139,947 in July 2007. So, let's do a little simple math. A family or household could be as little as two. But let's assume a more realistic, albeit conservative, number of about three. Three times one hundred million = three hundred million.

That would only leave an estimated 1,139,947 people in America (as of 2007 figures) that are poor or wealthy. I would have to say, without even checking that well over one million people in this country are wealthy-over $250,000 a year income. That only leaves a maximum of 139,947 poor. Compared to over three hundred million, that's a very small number.

So, if we take Biden at his word, poverty has been eliminated in America. This is truly a glorious day. Oh, but I just remember, he's a career politician. Never mind.

Army Stories: Smoking Can Be Hazardous

Many years ago in a nasty land far away, I was held against my will in a place called Fort Bliss, Texas. Generally medics are well respected and sometimes even liked, but not always. This is the story of a man at that armpit of a place who didn't like medics. A man who did bad things to them. I know, because I was one.

Our Headquarters Battery First Sergeant was the mean man of whom I spoke. For some reason he didn't like the medical squad I was assigned to. I think he might of had a bad encounter with one at some time in his career. Maybe he was once married to a medic. I didn't know or care and it really didn't matter. The point is, that he went out of his way to make life very difficult for us.

I won't go into the details to all the rather cruel things he did, but suffice it to say that after a year or so of his abuse, I'd had enough.

Several times a year I was sent out to medically cover the 'gas chamber'. This is where students are subjected to the effects of CS (tear) gas. The scenario differs from place to place but the results are the same.

The students, wearing protective masks, are lead into a small building or room where the gas is present. They get a chance to see that a properly fitted mask will protect them from what ever is in the air. Then they have to take it off.

It's actually kind of fun to watch them running blindingly out the far door, tears in their eyes and snot running freely from their noses. I've been gassed on several occasions and should be more sympathetic, but it really is hilarious.



This particular tear gas can either be burned or just sprinkled on the floor. Walking around on it, kicks it up into the air and the desired effect is achieved.

One day I hung around after everyone else was gone. The door to the gas chamber was never locked, why bother. So I put on my mask and gathered up some of the loose powder on the floor. I put it in a plastic bag -for later use.

Smoking was still permitted in government buildings at that time, and my First Sergeant loved to smoke. A few days later I had the chance to exact revenge. When no one was around, I dumped the pilfered tear gas into his almost full ash tray. When he put out his next cigarette, the power ignited and filled his office with choking fumes.

That next morning, at our first formation, he mentioned the incident. While he had no proof as to who did it, he stared at the medics.

The harassment didn't end but it did lessen. I guess he didn't really want to find out what someone might have had planned for next the time. Let's just say that he loved his coffee too and some laxatives are all but tasteless.


Get yourself over to humor-blogs.com and give this post a smilie face, or else.