John Mccain Picks Hottie Sarah Palin

Quick, hit the link and go check out my latest over at Radioactive Liberty. It's breaking news about former Miss Wasilla, turned Alaskan governor, Vogue magazine covergirl, and now John McCain's VP pick, Sarah Palin.

The Wizard Ozbama #1

Every Friday from now until the election, Sideshow Mirrors will be proudly showing you exclusive still photos from an upcoming re-make of the Wizard of Oz. While the tile of this big budget, sure to be a mega-block-buster movie is still undecided, the working title is The Wizard Ozbama.

Just as in the orginal, until Dorothy reaches Oz, the film will be in grainy black and white.

Dems Nominate Obama...Duh

Welcome to Sure Happy It's Thursday© or S.H.I.T.. This is where I blather on incoherently about what ever for a few moments. Today it's about the Democrat Convention, or as I like to call it, The Donkey Show.

I guess as a Democrat all you have to do to be picked, as your party’s candidate for President, is to get a bunch of people to yell really loud. I wonder if the delegates from Michigan and Florida were told to only yell half as loud since they were only half a person each?

Being a Democrat seems to mean the rules are only guidelines that can be suspended at any time, simply because they don’t fit in well with your plans. Silly guidelines like their own bylaws or possibly the U.S. Constitution. Or maybe they'll just re-write the Bill of Rights like good ol' Mr. Woodrow Wilson wanted to do. For some reason Obama reminds me of Dennis the Menace.

But that assumes they win the White House. Otherwise we’ll be in for four years of McCain getting tough, just before he caves to Nancy Pelosi’s and Harry Read’s demands.



Trotting out another ass, last night Bill was in the spotlight. Big deal. Like we didn't know that he was going to support his party. Now if Biden can just keep his ass from running his mouth...Nah. Between his well know comments about his would-be boss and Carter calling Obama a "black boy" there will be no end to the blogging hi jinks. Keep up the good work Dems.

Tonight at Invesco Field, Obama will either float in from on high like Criss Angel or walk across a reflection pool on his way to the stage to he give his acceptance speech. I fully expect the heavens to open and St Peter himself to descend to personally give Obama special dispensation and his blessing.

What ever happens it surly will be a spectacle. Oh, and very green.

Yelling doesn't work well here but a smiley face does. If you liked this, please head on over to Humor-Blogs.com and show me you still care. Please.

You'll Get Yours in the End

The market place is full today. The crowd jostles a single-minded young man as he wades deeper into the row upon row of stalls. Fruits and vegetables, clothing, pots and pans are piled high upon tables and old rugs. All in a greater abundance then he has ever before seen in his life.

The shrill laughter of children at play and women wearing headscarves and burkas, their insistent voices bartering with merchants, add to the festive scene.

Entering the center of the swarming bazaar, the young man stops. He assesses his location. This will do. He lightly pats his chest and smiles. Under his jacket, is a suicide vest filled with high explosives. He has volunteered to martyr himself, for the sake of Jihad and thereby help in the holy struggle against the infidels who have dared defile the lands of his fathers. He is arrogantly proud of his role. Allah will be very pleased, he thinks.

But today, he will not strike directly at the Great Satan. He will hit them from an oblique angle.

He tears off the jacket, drops it on the ground, and laughs as the men, women and children now recognize him for what he is. They try to flee, but there are too many in too small of a space.

They're trapped by their own sin. Now they'll pay the price for their lack of true faith.

A piercing cry of "Allah Akbar!" burst from his mouth and fills the air, moments before the fireball.

Silence.

The young man is aware. But he can see nothing, for there is nothing to see.

He can hear nothing for there is nothing to hear.

Then, from what might be judged as the distance, a diffuse light seems to approach. It grows brighter, larger as it nears. Soon he raises a hand before his eyes, to shield them from the intense light. Fear grows within him as he throws himself down, prostrate in front of this overwhelming magnificence.

The whiteness speaks. It is a gentle, but still powerful voice.

"Arise," the voice says.

The young man slowly stands, but cannot look directly at the light.

"You are suicide bomber and consider yourself to be a martyr. Is this correct?" the voice asks.

Emboldened by the acknowledgement of his status, he proudly relies, "Yes, yes Allah, I am."

"Ah... Well, we have little problem here it seems. You see, I'm not Allah."

Unsure of what to make of this admission, he pauses briefly before saying, "Then you must be one of his angles, one of those He made from light. You certainly must then be aware that I am to be given special treatment, for the works that I have done in his name."

"Special treatment? Just what did you have in mind?"

Seeing this as a test of his faith and knowledge, the young man explains. "Paradise? The seventy-two virgins? You must know of this?"

"Oh, that special treatment. Well, of course, after all you deserve it."

"I do. I deserve what I have earned," he exclaims, his words dripping with conceit.

"So that's what you wish, that's how you want to spend eternity? The seventy-two virgins and all?"

"Yes, in fact I demand it. It is my due!"

"All right. But remember, you asked for it."

The light fades out and is replaced by a desert scene. The young man finds himself facing a robed stranger.

Finally, a chance to vote for something worthwhile. If you liked this, please jump on over to Humor-Blogs.com and vote your conscious.

Dr. Pepper Disrupts ER

This will be a on-going monthly series from an old friend of mine, who possesses a twisted and caustic sense of humor.


The Life and Times of Sgt Bilko


by Sgt Bilko

I am a Soldier who happened to have the luck to have been able to serve with Les James. Make no doubt, he was and is a great person, and I try to emulate what he taught me about being a Noncomissioned Officer.

Anyway, I'd jerked the Chain of Command when it came time for my reenlistment. I'd been working in the Immunization Clinic, going deaf from screaming babies and working until 1900 (7 PM) giving allergy shots and cannot express how much I hated that job without lapsing into such gregarious profanity that would have Les's blog flagged.

So I made an ultimatum that either I could work in the Emergency Room or I would not reenlist. So, they let me work there, and it was the best 18 months of my career. I learned a lot.

Anyway, one day Les was speaking with a new junior NCO, giving him his initial briefing about working in the ER. I and another NCO (we'll call him Roughwhopper) were in that same office. When Roughwhopper took my Dr. Pepper, it started a fight -with kicking and pinching and uses of voices from South Park and Mad TV (that kid Stewart)- and the bottle got shook up a lot. I popped the top and sprayed Roughwhopper with the soda.



While we were yelling and fighting and spraying, Les was calmly standing 5 feet away, informing the newbie about how he expects his NCO's to be professional and take pride in their jobs. There was yelling and cursing and Dr Pepper all over the office, and the newbie still standing at parade rest trying not to bust out laughing.
Next time, I'll tell about the time I was working nights and Les left his official military email open for anyone to see. It involved an email that was allegedly sent to the First Sergeant, Command Sergeant Major and Hospital Commander.

And don't ask Les about how the copier got broken.



Ed Note: Sgt Bilko was not paid for this glowing (but true) accounting of just how wonderful I am. She was a major pain in the ass when she arrived at my ER, but kissing mine has now made up for that.

She is still honorably serving our country with distinction, having just returned from her umpteenth deployment to Iraq. We all need to take a moment to thank her and the 1000s like her.

Any military personnel (current or former) who would like to submit their recollections of humorous events are welcome to check-out Submission in the About Sideshow Mirrors section in the sidebar.

Finally, a chance to vote for something worthwhile. If you liked this, please jump on over to Humor-Blogs.com and vote your conscious.

Bo Peep-ing: Interview with a Goat Herder

It's my privilege to introduce the first in a monthly series of "interviews" with some of the funnest humor bloggers around. RT of RT's Ponderings is my guest today. She will be playing the part of Little Bo Peep. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as we did co-writing it.

Les: Today on The Les James Show, I have the pleasure of talking to one of the world's best loved goat herders, Little Bo Peep and doesn’t she look good enough to eat in that ruffled skirt? Whoa! What’s that hook thing? I'd sure like to find out what you do with that. Oh, yeah sweet cakes...

So, Bo baby, how ya doing?

Bo Peep: Ummm....I'm just peachy, but let's get something straight. I am a shepherdess of sheep. That hag Muffet is the goat herder.

And if you mistake me for her again, I will like sweep your leg with the hook. Got it?

Les: OK, OK. I see how this is going. You like girls. That's cool with me. How about we just get to the questions?

Bo Peep: I like men. Real men. You know the type: the ones that have jobs that don't require sitting behind a desk and looking pretty... like a woman! That's why I have an outdoorsy job--the farmhands are muscle-bound hotties.

Les: Yeah, the farmhands. What ever. Fine, sorry, all right? Now can we just do the interview? Jeez.

Bo Peep: Fine, it was your idea, anyway.

Les: Good. Here we go then.

With the furthering decline of the U.S. dollar against the Euro, how do you see our trade deficit affecting America's ability to compete with the Chinese in an ever-expanding global market?

Bo Peep: Dollars? Hmmm...dollars. Well, I, ah.... Are you saying dollars don't equal dollars anymore? Does that mean they equal quarters?

Euro? What's a Euro? Is that a car? Is it like the Yugo? I have two Yugos that I use to have chariot races with the sheep.

Ummmm...like, I don't know how to answer the question, but since you mentioned Chinese, I'd like some General Tso's. Is that possible? I'll pay you back. Do I pay you back with quarters or dollars?

Les: What ever. I don't care. Do you usually get paid in quarters? Being a sheep hooker and all, I just thought… Oh, never mind. I'll just order out. General Tso's huh? Sounds kind of pinko to me.

Bo Peep: Pinko? Chicken isn't pink unless you don't cook it right!

Oh, and don't think I didn't get that sheep hooker comment, you gold chain, leisure suit wearin' jerk. If you must know, I take Visa. Quarters to hook a sheep? That's a skill not too many possess, you know!

Les: Damn girl, no need to get to so testy. What, hormones out of whack? And just lay off the treads, OK? Look, let's just get to the next question. About made me lose my place. Ah, here it is.

With Russian imperialism raising it's ugly head in the post-Cold War 21st century, do you see the U.S. role as: A- It's none of our business, let the U.N. handle it, or B- Nuke the NeoCom SOBs back to the Stone Age?

Bo Peep: First, who are you to say that Russians are ugly? If you saw sheep butt all day, you'd think Helen Thomas was your dream come true. Second, maybe they would be nicer people if they weren't so cold. Third, why does it matter what we think? If they are cold and are at war with the cold, why not make a sweater and get warm? I have plenty of wool I could sell them. They have Visa cards, right?

Les: Helen Thomas, huh? Well, put a bag over her head…

You know, I thought we'd have an intelligent conversation but hanging out with dumb goats all day must have worn off. Apart from being hayseed, you know what your problem is?

Bo Peep: Problem? My problem? You can't even remember that I herd sheep and not goats. There is a big difference. Sheep are gentle woolen creatures and goats just like to put their noses where they don't belong.

Les: Oh, it's like that is it?

Bo Peep: Yeah, it is like that! In fact, I have a right mind to just up and leave this so-called interview. What did I do with my hook?

Les: Yeah, your hook and the goat, or what ever, you rode in on.

Bo Peep: Sheep! I herd sheep! You gotta thing for goats?

Les: Have a thing for goats? Well, you’ve got a sick, twisted... What are you doing? Where do you think you’re going? We’re not through yet. I know you can still hear me through that door! Get back in here and clean-up this straw you’ve tracked in!

I think that went well.

Today we've had a chance to see the real Little Bo Peep. Tune in next time on The Les James Show, for another insightful interview with some of today's most interesting guests. This is Les James saying, good evening and have a kind word for those around you.


Are we off? Good. Rob get my 30/30 out of the dressing room. We're going goat hunting.




Attention Humor Bloggers! If you'd like to join me in one of these bizarre interviews, please contact me with an idea of what type of character you'd like to play.



Photo: picnic by ellie

Obama's Half-Brother "Found"

Democrat Presidential candidate, Senator Barack Hussein Obama today slammed Republican Senator John McCain by saying, "Our job in this election is not just 'win,' although I'm a big believer in winning…I don't intend to lose this election. John McCain doesn't know what he's up against.” Obama continued with, "He can talk all he wants about Britney and Paris, but I don't have time for that mess."

This was in obvious reference to George Hussein Onyango Obama, Barack’s half-brother being located living in a slum in the town of Huruma on the outskirts of Nairobi, Kenya. George is but one of eight children produced by Obama’s father to four different wives.

The Senator from Illinois, and presumed next President of the United States, seems to be considering bringing his extended family together to act as “muscle” for his bid for the White House.



“I wish my brother George was here,” the Senator was heard to lament just a week or so ago. Now it seems he will have his wish. But with family scattered from England, to China, to Kenya and beyond, it may take a while to bring them all together.

Once tracked-down, George Obama was reported to say "No-one knows who I am. I live here on less than a dollar a month." When asked how he earns his dollar a month he said, “Oh, no. I do not earn it. Barack is very generous; he sends me the money every month. But it is always in change. He is big on change.”

When George was asked how he likes the idea of coming to America to help his half-brother with his political fight, he replied “I have scars from defending myself with my fists. I am good with my fists."



Photo: Guy Calaf

Michael Phelps Should Be Ashamed

The Olympic spirit has spread around the world. The thrill of watching elite athletics has calmed the fears of mothers in the Sudan, destroyed millions of tons of CO2 -dropping the global temperature by almost one degree, fixed the housing crisis, pushed the Russians out of Georgia, and who knows how many other wondrous things.

Yeah, what ever.

The only thing the Olympics have really done, is to once more show the world why it needs to go the way of the original Greeks. Besides, the Olympics aren't for everyone. They're only for a special few or for the special. See, I didn't say crips or retarded. I'm evolving.

First off, consider what China could have done with the estimated 700 gazillion or so dollars they spent on these “games”. Uh huh, I said games. Next, what about all of the travel for those pampered, overfeed, blood doped, spoiled brats? Think about the inner-city children that could have been sent to "green" summer camps in their stead, where they could have had been fed nourishing vegan food and had a safe place to sleep, away from the drug dealers and gun fire -if only for a few weeks.

Then there is all the those uber-rich who have stepped on the backs of the exploited poor in order to afford the luxury accommodations they are staying in during these two or so weeks in China.




And the U. S. just keeps winning medals. How is America ever going to improve its relations with the world when we consistently embarrass smaller, more deserving nations by wiping the floor with them in these one-side contest?

The world hates us and the current administration has gone out of its way to rub these underprivileged country’s nerves raw. What was Bush thinking by going to China, meeting with the U.S. athletics and then saying how proud of them he was? He set us back at least another ten years.

It gets worse. Much worse. The Chinese promote national unity, while the American Olympic program promotes being the best. What’s up with that? For years we’ve been teaching our children that competition is bad for their self-esteem. Not everyone gets a medal, let alone a gold one. Not to mention that almost all of the team sports played there have been rightfully banned from grade school campuses because they’re down right dangerous.

Swords, guns, spears, punching, kicking, wrestling on the floor, flying through the air, throwing heavy objects? Someone could get an eye put out. What are we teaching our kids?

On the upside, women’s softball is on its last legs. The selfish American women have dominated that sport for over a hundred years, or something like that. They won’t let anyone else win. Fortunately some right-thinking committee is going to punish them by axing that event from the 2012 games. Good for them.

But by far the most glaring example of this blatant ego driven, American imperialistic greed, is Michael Phelps. He’s got like dozens of gold medals. No one needs that many medals. What a horrid example he’s set for today’s youth. Win, win, win, win, win. That’s all he could thing about. What ever happened to sharing? Shame on you Michael.

The United States is only three percent of the world’s population, but we take about half of the world’s Olympic medals. When will we ever learn?

Hopefully, the next President will boycott the Olympics for the good of our kiddies.

After saying all of this, Women's Beach Volleyball can stay. Now that's compelling viewing.

One State, Two State

Well the political season has come into heat. The news media is sniffing at each other butts while the two major parties prepare to fight over the bitch. (That would be our votes) Political Action Committees are sharpening their claws, ready to disembowel any who deserve it.

The scent is in the air. Nothing will stop the impending carnage now. Only one will survive. They will either be standing in the middle or on the far left. Either way, we're the ones who are getting screwed.

So how about a little something to take you back to your childhood? Something soothing, so you can forget about your woes? A nice bit of gentle verse perhaps?

One state, two state
Red state, Blue state
We’re through with debate
Let’s get right to hate

The liberal media just can’t wait
To divide us again state by state
The evil rich from the righteous poor
Chopping up the states even more

I’ve been standing still, on right
But everyone else is out of sight
Gone to the middle, they would say
I think they’ve just gone astray

One state, two state
Red State, Blue State
It’s a not just real estate
Do you know what’s at stake?

Universal health care for everyone
Pull out the troops, we’ll Cut and Run
Open up the borders, yes we can
It’s only right to let them in

Its all for the children they will say
Only corporations will have to pay
For those who smoke or use gas
The taxes will increase right up the…

One State, Two State
Red State, Blue State
If we keep up this rate
Soon it’ll be too late

Stock market woes or credit crunch
Has the government been out to lunch?
It’s not at all what you would guess
They’re the ones got us into this mess

A vote for the left will set it right
They’ve got your wallets in their sights
Take more money, spread it around
Build some up by tearing others down

One State, Two State
Red State, Blue State
Open your eyes, initiate
We just can't wait

Once they get God out of the way
We’ll all face east when we pray
Kick our heritage right out the door
Then America will be no more

Give out needles, take away the guns
Move On.org’s going to get things done
We may have to take this to the street
Before we see our country in defeat.

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Sideshow Mirrors is looking to create a more interactive and reader friendly blog by including (PG13ish, caution for some strong language and mild adult content) material that spans the range of humor, parody and satire. Emphasis is placed on political and military humor, but all subjects will be considered. And the best part is, if excepted, you'll get paid a big fat zero. Which is exactly how much revenue this blog generates. But hey, you got published.

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