Ed Begley Jr: Life Without Ed - or Ed, Without Life

News you might like to see...

Ed Begley Jr. (Actor; Environmentalist) died last week in a local hospital after a brawl with a redneck over the benefits of Horse Shit.

Apparently, the Redneck -so enraged over Ed’s position to swallow- the Redneck broke Mr. Begley’s beak

Doctors at Santa Monica Rhinoplasty worked feverishly to repair Mr. Begley nose. “Everything was going fine until Ed woke up from the anesthesia.” Dr. Tom said. “We had placed tubes in his nose that went down his throat hooked to a breathing machine.

When Ed came too, he looked around slowly at all the lights and then at the machines we had him attached to and yelled "IS ALL OF THIS NECESSARY?" He reached out and grabbed a hand full of electric plugs and pulled them out of their sockets. This, cut off his air supply.” Dr. Tom explained.

Dr. Tom and three nurses tried to wrestle away the plugs but to no avail. Mr. Begley succumbed to suffocation before they were able to plug him back it.

An un-named nurse was overheard saying: “By the time he got here, the swelling was very bad. Plus there was a lot brown foreign material lodged his nasal cavities. It kinda smelled like horse shit. Maybe we could have saved him if we just got him here sooner. But he insisted on waiting for an electric ambulance to take him to the Emergency Room, only three blocks away.”

“He was a very stubborn man and he stuck to his convictions, right to the end.” Rachelle Begley, Ed’s wife, said.

Services are not yet scheduled.

---UPDATE---

It seems that Ms. Begley is having some trouble finding a final resting place for her beloved Ed.

“At first I thought I would just bury him in the back yard. Ya know? Great worm food and No fuss - No muss. But, I soon found out after digging the hole in the yard and one of my fascist right-wing neighbors called the cops. They told me that it was completely illegal.

My Second Idea was the mountains. Ed loved the mountains. So I called The Sierra Club, and asked about a local mountain top where I could take Ed’s body, chopped it into tiny pieces and let the birds carry him away. It would be beautiful, wouldn’t it? Well, my ‘Good Friends’ at the EPA threatened me with huge fines and jail time for polluting the environment! PETA threatened to turn me in for feeding human waste to wildlife. Some friends, huh?

Next, I figured a nice Burial-At-Sea would be cool. Ed really didn’t like the sea but what the hell, he’s dead and I’m running out of ideas.” “Fish need to eat too, Damn it” Exclaimed Ms. Begley.

---UPDATE---

At the time of this writing Ed Begley Jr’s body still lies in the Los Angeles County Morgue - forgotten.

He will be most likely cremated, polluting LA’s air even more and his ashes dumped in a local landfill.

All at the taxpayers’ expense.

Rachelle Carson (Begley) has been spotted recently around Hollywood with an unnamed Baldwin brother.  

Welcome to the Future of Mild Max

Mild Max is a blogger community written novel about the reality of global cooling.  In a world of constant snow, Max must leave the fortress of San Francisco and make his way through the wilds of an America changed by nature, bad decissions and even worst policy. Hosted by Conservative Political Humor & Satire by Radioactive Liberty, new chapters will appear each Friday. More information about how you can becomes a part of this fun on-going event, go to Mild Max.
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Obama Stands By His Man

by Les James

Patsy Cline plays in the background of the Oval Office as President Obama get updates on the Tom Daschle confirmation. This is the third looped CD of the classic Stand By Your Man that has recently played here.  The other two wore-out during confirmations of his other cabinet picks.

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Shoebama

by Mr Shizzo

The first week of the Obama administration has been a relatively quiet one. The Obama administration says it is because things are going so smoothly. However, I have found out the true reason.

A reliable source told me that Obama continuously fails the "shoe dodging" training. Obama spends hours and hours trying to pass this training in the White House. It is holding up everything else he wants to do as President.

The official Secret Service trainer in "shoe dodging" recently was quoted as saying, "Bush was my greatest student. Every shoe I ever threw at him, he was able to dodge. And all our work paid off in Iraq a couple of weeks ago. He was amazing. But, this new guy can't dodge any shoe. Every time I throw a shoe at him, it nails him in the face. One time, I wasn't even aiming at him and it managed to hit his nose."

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The French Are Hippies

Fiar at Radioactive Liberty wants yet another pet hippie to punch. My post today over there shows why the French = hippies.

Conceiving The New Year

Humor writers wanted. A major part of the design of Sideshow Mirrors is to be a place where humor writers can submit their works. It's often difficult for a writer to find a place that will even consider publishing their labor. This blog will not publish everything you submit but, if it's original humor (and funny), you got a pretty good shot.

Today we are happy to bring you Matt Kolbet. He teaches and writes near Portland, Oregon. His work, often darkly humorous, has appeared in The American Drivel Review and online at Defenestration. It's very possible you will see him here again. We hope so.


Happy New Year

by Matt Kolbet


When the new year rolls around, the media looks for signs that things will be different (translation: not as shitty after a night of heavy drinking), and begins by celebrating the first baby born in the new year as a symbol of hope. This practice, however, overlooks the possibility of another meaningless statistic: the first baby conceived in the new year.

Instead of toasting friends and family, signing auld lang syne off key, or popping fresh bottles of champagne at the stroke of midnight, participants need to have achieved full penetration and be ready to orgasm when the bells chime.

As a new tradition, the practice will appeal to multiple social strata, from the aging strangers who came to the party because they had “nothing better to do,” to the enthusiastic married couple who, after four years of trying to have a baby, are ready to try numerology and astrology in addition to counting the days from her last period, to the teenager girl who lives next door and simply got carried away after a triple-dog dare from her friends.

Moreover, this new movement can be used as an ad campaign for Right-to-Life groups, reiterating that life begins as conception, which, if you think about it, is what New Year’s Eve (and the accompanying morning-after resolutions) is all about.

Image: Les James

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BlackWidow@WhiteHouse.gov

For a couple of weeks, I have been mulling over whether or not I should go public with my secret. Don't get me wrong. I don't like to be a party-pooper. But, the truth drove me so crazy that I finally decided to come out with it, if not for my own sanity, but for the sake of our great nation.

When I went down in my basement a month ago, I encountered Michelle Obama in a dark corner. She scared the life out of me. I started to pant and ran back up to the kitchen. I wasn't sure what to do. But, now I am the one that has to come out of the dark. I must let everyone know the truth that Michelle Obama is a Black Widow and this has to get out to the public before she moves from my basement to the White House. I am not crazy and I know that I have to have proof. So, here are some photos.

I wish it were not true. But, I am the only one that knows. And believe me, I am still trying to put all of the pieces together. After all, if I am right, and I know that I am right, it means that Michelle Obama mates and then she kills. I have many questions and I can still hear her rustling in my basement sometimes. The road is dangerous, but I am driven to find the truth. I have placed some surveillance and tracking devices in her belongings. If my warnings here to you go ignored, I will continue to watch her. In the interest of our country, it is my patriotic duty. I do not doubt that once she moves into the White House, I will be targeted and harassed by the powers that be. So, I will keep a low profile and periodically keep you updated.

Signed,

The Black Widow Watch

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Obamass: Christmas, Obama Style

Help celebrate a holiday with balls

Wow, it's that time of year again and I've been feeling like something is missing.  After a lot of contemplation and spinning in circles until I was dizzy with inspiration, I figured out just what that was. While I don't have all the details worked out,  I do have an outline, of sorts. It's not much but with your help, it can work. It's a project we can believe in.

With the arrival of the messiah (lower case m) should we not make adjustments to reflect the magnificence of the moment?  Now I'm not as clean and articulate as the chosen one, so don't expect too much but what I suggest is, that we celebrate his birthday on December 25th of each year.  Come on, that other guy has had it for over 2000 years, isn't it about time we shared?

Since there's doubt that Obama was even born in this country -his grandmother said she was there when he was born in Kenya (which is a lot closer to Bethlehem than Hawaii) - then it stands to reason that we wouldn't be all that sure of the date either.  His mother wasn't a virgin but she was a radical 60's liberal.  That's a lot better in many circles. The coincidences are uncanny.

I humbly submit a new name for that date.  In his honor, we should now and forevermore refer to December 25th as Obamass (emphasis on the second syllable).  It would still be a time of great giving as the deadline for filling taxes would now fall on the same day.

Other ideas keeping with the spirit of the season might include:

All gifts great and small would be taxed.  A windfall food tax would be incurred for any excessive feasting activities.  Carbon Footprint fines would be doubled for those traveling outside of prescribed boundaries during this time of celebration. Similar to fingerprints, Carbon Footprinting would be used to ID perps. The old adage that 'it's the thought that counts', would be taken to mean that you have considered purchasing a gift and, of course, would be taxed according by a percentage of your last tax return, on a upwardly sliding scale.

All of this gift revenue would go directly to the needy -and some of it to the poor.

I know there's so much more we can do but I've run out of ideas. 

Please help by adding suggestions as to how to make the first Obamass the standard by which all others will be judged.  I look forward to your input. Together, we can make a difference.

I encourage bloggers to use their forums to promote this blessed event.

Thank you and Merry Obamass!

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All in the Family

Part 2
Who's your Mommy?

Setting: Halloween. A little girl in an angel costume rings the doorbell of a house in the neighborhood. A man answers the door ready to give out candy.

"My mommy says we should not say 'Trick or Treat' anymore."
"Oh really? Why is that?"
"She says we are no longer accepting candy this Halloween. Thank you, but no thank you."
"I see. So you are choosing to be more healthy?"
"She says we should say something else."
"Oh? Like what?"
"My mommy says we should say, 'Belly Dance or Bailout Money.'"
"Belly Dance or Bailout Money?"
"She says that our family business is in financial crisis, so if we get bailout money, it will help everyone?"
"Everyone?"
"Our business will do well and the money will go to everyone, so everyone will win."
"Uh..."
"Well? Where's my bailout money?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't prepare any bailout money for this Halloween."
"Oh, that's okay. You can just go into debt."
"Uh..."
"Well?"
"I'm not sure I can..."
"I see. How about if I ask this way? Belly Dance or Bailout Money, PLEASE."
"Oh, that's very polite of you to say please."
"Isn't it?"
"Well, again. I'm not sure if I can help you."
"My mommy said that no one wanted to Belly Dance in Congress, so that's why the Bailout got passed."
"Really?"
"Yes. And if you don't give me my bailout money, I'm going to call my mommy over here."
"Actually, I think that would be a great idea."
"Mommy. Mommy. This man isn't doing what he is supposed to. And he won't even belly dance."
"Mrs. Ah,...I'm sorry, I don't know your name."
"I'm a friend of Alvin Irvinton Gustafson."
"Oh? Who is that?"
"Oh, you don't know who that is? He goes by AIG and he said you would give me bailout money if I needed it and asked nicely. Anyway. So, what I need is your bailout money. Hand it over."
"Is that asking nicely? Anyway, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Can you hurry? If you don't hurry with the money, the next Great Depression is going to come our way."
"Listen. I don't appreciate all this pressure."
"Listen? Look. I didn't have to come here in person, you know. I could have just had you wire the money to me. I don't see what the big deal is. Everyone is getting it."
"Wait a minute. I need to put my foot down and say something. I don't have any bailout money for you. All I have are snickers."
"Congress used to give those to me all the time whenever we asked for government help. Are you saying you are reverting back to the old days of snickers and smirks?"
"No. I don't think you understand. I could give you mars. I'm giving you mars for free."
"What are you talking about? Make some sense. I don't want mars. I'll be dead before I can ever get there. Just like the government to sell out their future valuable real estate right now. No, don't you dare offer me the milk way or else I will gag right here."
"Actually..."
"Yes?"
"Never mind. I have a payday."
"Now you are talking."
"Do you want it?"
"I don't have to earn it, do I? You didn't say anything about earning my payday. I just want my money."
"No. Just take your payday."
"I certainly will. But, I'll be back on Tuesday."
"Tuesday? What's Tuesday?"
"You are giving away the Presidency, aren't you? My daughter really wants one. She said she would like to make government funded solar toilets."
"Uh..."
"Did you know we spend up to three years of our lives in the bathroom? She will make a great President, don't you think?"
"I need for you to leave now."
"Wait. Don't you want a kiss?"
"I already have plenty of kisses."
"You are a lucky guy. There must be a lot of hanky panky going on in your house usually. [blinks with one eye] Anyway, thanks for the payday. You won't be sorry. Remember, on Tuesday my daughter will come knocking on your door and it will be 'Pirouettes or Presidency.'"

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Bush: Last Days

Sideshow Mirrors is happy to announce a guest today. Mark N. McCann answered the call for humor writers wanted. OK, he answered, now you be the judge.

Updated: 20 minutes ago

Out-going Pres, George W. Bush, declared "one final goal" as commander in chief

Upyrss: 20 minutes ago

Washington DC (UPYRSS)_To prevent a replay of the carnage left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the Bush administration has awarded Haliburton Company a $450 billion feasibility study into the creation of the world's largest sponge.

--Read more--

Out-going Pres, George W. Bush, declared "one final goal" as commander in chief

By Unrepentant Philistines Yammering Repetitious Stupid Stuff

1:23 PM DDT, February 31, 2008

Washington DC (UPYRSS)_To prevent a replay of the carnage left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the Bush administration has awarded Haliburton Company a $450 billion feasibility study into the creation of the world's largest sponge.

FOX News Service (FNS) reports, "Bleeding heart liberals maintain the measure is unnecessary and ill-advised thus condemning the most populous city in Louisiana to certain destruction."

Bush, "Exclusive news coverage... will be awarded... to an undisclosed... insert grin, I mean... uh... news, Fox News... an unnamed news... agency."

Updated: 22 minutes ago

US Supreme Court has ruled 5-to-4 in favor of all future GOP decisions

Upyrs: 22 minutes ago

Washington DC (UPYRS)_Antonin Scalia declared his unabashed opposition to "democratic rhetoric and liberal realpolitik ramblings."

--Read More--

US Supreme Court has ruled 5-to-4 in favor of all future GOP decisions

By Unrepentant Philistines Yammering Repetitious Stupid Stuff

1:21 PM DDT, February 31, 2008

Antonin Scalia declared his unabashed opposition to "democratic rhetoric and liberal realpolitik ramblings."

Scalia later recanted his statement to clarify, "I meant Democratic as in the party of the left-wing socialist, um... The Democrats. That's what I meant." It was announced later that the Supreme Court justice will take an extended vacation to Sarasota Springs, followed by a visit to Lourdes.

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Wall Street Bail-outs Are Good For Politicians

No real answers, just a few observations.


Son: "Mom can I have a $1200 dollars to go buy a flat screen TV for my room?"
Mom: "That's funny."
Son: "I'm serious. I really want one."
Mom: "I'm serious too. No. Even if we could afford it, which we can't, you still couldn't have one."
Son: "Fine."
"Dad, can I use your credit card to get a flat screen TV for my room?"
Dad: "Sure son. I don't know how were going to be able to pay off that card anyway."
Son: "Thanks Dad, you're the greatest."

Politicians: "Can we borrow against our great-grand children's future to bail out a bunch of companies that have given us a lot of money and then hold no one to blame?"
American People: "That's funny."
Politicians: We're serious. We really want to."
American People: We're serious too. No. Even if we could afford it, which we can't, you still couldn't bail them out."
Politicians: "Fine."
"Federal Reserve, can we bail out a bunch of companies that have given us a lot of money and then hold no one to blame? Oh, and we have no idea how or if it will be paid back."
Federal Reserve: "Sure and we'll print-up a bunch of cash to infuse into the Wall Street to boot. Let's face it there's no way can ever pay off all our debts any way."
Politicians: "Thanks Ben, you're the greatest. Got to go now. We have to get back and pass laws to "fix" the problem. We're going to be heroes."

Call me cynical but I get it. We're being told by the very people who got us into this financial mess that they are the only ones who can get us out. It's kind of like having some one stab you in the gut with a knife. They then state they didn't do it and that they are the only ones who can remove the knife, which they do. The only problem is, they don't stop the bleeding.

Follow the money. After all, it's yours to begin with.

Submissions: Humor Writers Wanted

This space available

Sideshow Mirrors is looking for humor writers. If you can tell a funny story or make one up, consider submitting your best work for consideration.

Satire, parody, cartoons, funny verse and photoshop'ed pictures are all being sought. Political and military subjects will be given first consideration but all work will be considered.

It's difficult to get published anywhere, even in a non-paying humor blog. I was given a break some time ago and now I've started this site with the idea of extending that kindness to others.

It doesn't matter if your conservative or liberal, Republican, Democrat, Independent or just don't care. Funny is what matters. Look over the Submission guidelines and send them in.

The Super Liberal Interview, Part II

Well it's Sure Happy It's Thursday© or S.H.I.T. What could be more appropriate than this crap? I give you the second half of my nauseating chat with Monty, the author of the blog, The Super Liberal.

Monty: First of all, I buy a small latte so in ‘fact', or as you like to call 'theory', I bought the wifi access. And I am not a socialist. I don't think everyone should share, just the rich should share with the less-rich and the poor. I thought trickle-down economics was a good thing? Are you rich and trying to protect your off-shore investments from our tax code? How many poor children have to die before rich people pay more taxes?

Les: Shut-up! I told you I'd give you you're chance. Where was I? Oh, yeah.

Are all of the modern conveniences that you seem to enjoy somehow detached from the so-called 'rape of the earth'? No and hell no! You're the lowest form of pond scum that leaches life from those who actually produce the modern miracles that you deride. And another thing, I'll compare you to whom ever I damn well feel like.

Come on, what can you possibly say to that other than just calling me names, huh? Give it your best Gandhi-like non-violent shot, you Mother Earth sodomizing, sicko.

Monty: Because of your kind’s thirst for oil, I have to live WITHOUT modern conveniences like a motor vehicle or electricity. I make my own candles and converted an exercise bike to power my laptop because you want to drill more frigging oil in Alaska.

And now you have the politician to help make it happen, none other then the governor of the ANWAR reserve, Sarah Palin. Looks like it’s more games and lobbying from big oil.

Les: I’ve really had about enough of your self-righteous whining. If you cared as much about this earth as you profess, you’d do the right, just and noble thing and just remove your carbon footprint altogether. But instead you’ll keep on blaming others and burdening the earth you claim you love. Be a shining example for, hopefully, thousand of others just like you to follow. Set it free Batty, set it free.

Screw this crap. I’m out of here. Have a nice candle-lit life, Monty.

Stupid, liberal SOB. Damn I wish I could get my hands on his scrawny, mommy’s boy, bleed-heart, piece of …

Calm down, Les. OK, it’s over. Don’t let him get to you. Breath… All right.

There, much better. Fine.

I think that went well.

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The Super Liberal Interview

Recently some "friends" told me about a new blog. They thought I'd enjoy reading it. Yeah. Well, all I can say is that not only didn't I "enjoy" it, it made the bile in my stomach rise up in my throat. Monty Oscar Nelson-Battison, or Batty as I like to call him, is the author of The Super Liberal. This is one of the most left-wing, socialist, Kool-Aide drinking blogs I've seen since Daily KOS. It's so far left that it's made it way on to my Axis of Evil list.

To say we've had words is an understatement. It finally came to a head and I challenged him to do this interview. For some stupid reason, he agreed.

Les: I have a hard time going to your blog. I find you deeply disturbing. But I'll give you credit for even answering your cell phone. To be as gracious a host as I can, tell me what you hope to accomplish by publishing the rubbish that you do.

Monty: Of course you see rubbish because that is all your kind produces, just a bunch of materialistic crap that breaks down into little modules of plastic thus clogging the arteries of children. I'm not the one killing children am I?

For someone who says they have a hard time going to my blog you sure do spend a lot of time there. Hippocrates called dude, he wants his oath back. Gaia damnit, no wonder why humans are causing global warming.

And don't ever compare me to that trash KOS...hold on for a little while, my mom needs me to come home and put the laundry in the dryer...okay back. KOS doesn't have the balls to be as liberal as I am. He still drives a car and writes for a magazine that kills trees. Sounds like someone who sold out his leftism to me.

Les: So let me see if I understand this, you live a completely, 100% free of any influence upon the earth life? Bull crap and I'll tell you why. Where to begin? The hypocrisy that you have already alluded to is yours and it oozes from every hemp fiber of your being.

Let's start with cell phone you're talking on, the laptop you use to produce the "rubbish", and I do call it rubbish as it's a waste product of what I'm sure you'd term 'abuse of the resources that belong to Gaia' or what ever. Where did they come from, huh and at what cost under your preciously held 'theory' of Global Warming? But I'm getting head of myself.

Monty: The environmental damage from the creation of my cell phone and laptop has already happened. I can only stop the future, not the past. That’s your best? When you bring the ball to the hole you better come correct son, as a famous poet once written.

Les: Don't interrupt me, Batty. You'll get your chance.

The coffee beans didn't just roll up here from South America to that energy sucking Starbuck's where you steal bandwidth you know. Is your bike biodegradable? Wasn't it -according to your brand of socialism- 'produced by some down trodden children in a forced labor camp work environment, after the materials were made by spewing toxic garbage all across your beloved Mother Earth', all so you could put on self-righteous airs and claim you're a better person than the rest of us? The best you should claim is that you're killing this world in a slow, humane manner. Just at little poison over a very long period of time. That way it won't hurt so bad. That's a very sick and twisted way of 'loving' something. I'm sure Mommy approves…

Tune in tomorrow for the rest of this riveting interview.


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Obama's Half-Brother "Found"

Democrat Presidential candidate, Senator Barack Hussein Obama today slammed Republican Senator John McCain by saying, "Our job in this election is not just 'win,' although I'm a big believer in winning…I don't intend to lose this election. John McCain doesn't know what he's up against.” Obama continued with, "He can talk all he wants about Britney and Paris, but I don't have time for that mess."

This was in obvious reference to George Hussein Onyango Obama, Barack’s half-brother being located living in a slum in the town of Huruma on the outskirts of Nairobi, Kenya. George is but one of eight children produced by Obama’s father to four different wives.

The Senator from Illinois, and presumed next President of the United States, seems to be considering bringing his extended family together to act as “muscle” for his bid for the White House.



“I wish my brother George was here,” the Senator was heard to lament just a week or so ago. Now it seems he will have his wish. But with family scattered from England, to China, to Kenya and beyond, it may take a while to bring them all together.

Once tracked-down, George Obama was reported to say "No-one knows who I am. I live here on less than a dollar a month." When asked how he earns his dollar a month he said, “Oh, no. I do not earn it. Barack is very generous; he sends me the money every month. But it is always in change. He is big on change.”

When George was asked how he likes the idea of coming to America to help his half-brother with his political fight, he replied “I have scars from defending myself with my fists. I am good with my fists."



Photo: Guy Calaf

One State, Two State

Well the political season has come into heat. The news media is sniffing at each other butts while the two major parties prepare to fight over the bitch. (That would be our votes) Political Action Committees are sharpening their claws, ready to disembowel any who deserve it.

The scent is in the air. Nothing will stop the impending carnage now. Only one will survive. They will either be standing in the middle or on the far left. Either way, we're the ones who are getting screwed.

So how about a little something to take you back to your childhood? Something soothing, so you can forget about your woes? A nice bit of gentle verse perhaps?

One state, two state
Red state, Blue state
We’re through with debate
Let’s get right to hate

The liberal media just can’t wait
To divide us again state by state
The evil rich from the righteous poor
Chopping up the states even more

I’ve been standing still, on right
But everyone else is out of sight
Gone to the middle, they would say
I think they’ve just gone astray

One state, two state
Red State, Blue State
It’s a not just real estate
Do you know what’s at stake?

Universal health care for everyone
Pull out the troops, we’ll Cut and Run
Open up the borders, yes we can
It’s only right to let them in

Its all for the children they will say
Only corporations will have to pay
For those who smoke or use gas
The taxes will increase right up the…

One State, Two State
Red State, Blue State
If we keep up this rate
Soon it’ll be too late

Stock market woes or credit crunch
Has the government been out to lunch?
It’s not at all what you would guess
They’re the ones got us into this mess

A vote for the left will set it right
They’ve got your wallets in their sights
Take more money, spread it around
Build some up by tearing others down

One State, Two State
Red State, Blue State
Open your eyes, initiate
We just can't wait

Once they get God out of the way
We’ll all face east when we pray
Kick our heritage right out the door
Then America will be no more

Give out needles, take away the guns
Move On.org’s going to get things done
We may have to take this to the street
Before we see our country in defeat.