Snig: Mae West Interview

Today my very special guest is Snig.  She, for some unknown reason, has decided to play the role of Mae West.  For those of you who are too young to remember Mae, so sorry.  This is the next in a monthly series, where funny bloggers pick a role for me to "interview". So, what do you say? Shall we get on with it?

 
Les: Good evening, I'm Les James and this is my show. About once a month or so I do interviews with various characters. Yeah, I said characters. If you recall last month's, I was supposed to be having a dream date with Sandra Bullock, but instead my former producer and crew thought it would be funny to slip in this smelly ass demon. That SOB took a bite out of my left arm.

My new crew says I'm interviewing Mae West today. Yeah, right. I guess I'm posting on Craigslist tomorrow for another new crew. I hope you guys are going to be able to laugh about this in the unemployment line!

So, without further delay…this had better not be another demon! Let's welcome to the studio, Mae West.

Holy Mother of … it is Mae West! Miss West, I'm so sorry about the introduction. I never would have….

Mae West: If you would have come up to see me some time, I bet you would have. You know Les, I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.

Les: Yeah I can see that. Are those things real? Can I touch 'em?

Mae West: Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If you noticed, I have NOT given you a free hand.

Les: Fine, but maybe later? Sorry, you've got me a little flustered. Okay. For starters, you've been around the political and entertainment scene for a while. I don't mean to imply you're old… Ahhh, sorry, what I'm trying to say is, you're experienced… Oh, this isn't working. Give me a second...

There...better. Now, how about we get to my first question? I mean, this is an interview after all.

So Miss West, with this current economy, President elect Barack Hussein Obama is going to have his hands full when he takes office. What do you see as his top three strategic considerations for strengthening the dollar against the other major world currencies?

Mae West: Yes Les, I've been things and seen places...I've been in more laps than a napkin. No more comments on my experience, okay? As for Obama, yes I'm sure he already has his hands full. Have you seen that wife of his? Now that woman has the curves and I imagine he has a handful of them ever...oh, sorry.

I don't see him as having any strategic considerations. That man is nothing but promises and you know, I've always said an ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. I think we're going to be shorted our pound's worth.

Les: Finally a guest that's politically suave and hot to boot. Hey you guy behind the glass, you're looking at a raise and I don't just mean in my... Whoa! I forgot where I was. Ah, I've got some notes somewhere. Here they are.

Yeah. Next question. Mae, the economy is in the toilet and the Fed seems hell bent on toggling the handle. Congress has got a plunger in its hands, in case there's a blockage. To top it all off, the American people have just voted in a man with conscience of Jack Kevorkian. Do you think it's time to create or support a third party, as the Republicans are floating, face down, in the bowl too.

Mae West: Obama...oh his mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork. I don't know a lot about politics, but I recognize a good party man when I see one. Unfortunately, lately I've seen none.

Les: Interesting. You know I'm usually having a great time pissing off my guest about this time in the interview. But you're different. I don't want to upset you and this confuses me. I guess I should ask you another question. Let's see. Here's a good one. Iraq, should we pull out before we finish the job?

Mae West: Pull out before the job is finished? Have you been paying no attention to me? You.never.pull.out.early. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly I always say.

Les: Wow. You fascinate me. You've got phenomenally firm....er, ah grasp of the situation. So ah...ah, I ah...mean...I was going to say..ah...I got nothin'. Forget the interview. Let's just blow this joint and head out on the town. What da ya say?

Mae West: Well now. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it, but a hard man is good to find. What?? I swear, if I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

Les: I'm trying!

Listen, I've never done this before with a guest. But I can't help myself. It's just that I'm reminded of what my Mom use to tell me, not that I listened to her all that much. She said "don't do anything stupid" and babe, you're not stupid. You want me. All women want me...some to stay away, that whole Bo Peep restraining order thing... Never mind that. I'm coming over there to plant a big, wet one on ya, 'cus I know it's what you need.

Mae West: Few men know how to kiss well and unfortunately, I don't have time to teach you. Got it? If you're not gettin' it, my five heavily diamonded friends are gonna give it to you across the nose.

Les: Now Mae...sweetie, you aren't really going to...

Mae West: Look pal, there are 10 men waiting for me at the door and I've already sent one of them home because I'm tired. Kiss this!

Les: Son of a... You really pack a helluva punch there lady.  But I gotta say, it was the best punch I've ever had. Wow! That's goin' to be sore for a while. Worth it, but sore. I guess we're out of time.  I'd like to do something else I never do and thank my guest Mae West.

Can I touch them now? Hey, put down that fist! Ohhh!

Fine, I don't think I'll be asking you that again.

I, um...I think that went...well.

Somebody get me some ice!

Hey bloggers! If this looks like something you'd like to do, please contact me. We'll make it happen.

Humor-blogs.com is a great cure for swelling.
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Super Liberal Award

While this blog has only been in existence for a very few weeks, it's already won an award that truly shows the impact it's having on the left. The ultra-liberal blog, The Super Liberal has bestowed upon Sideshow Mirrors it's best attempt at a put-down. Sorry to break it to you Monty, I take it as a complement. So Thank You for proving me right.

The Super Liberal Interview

Recently some "friends" told me about a new blog. They thought I'd enjoy reading it. Yeah. Well, all I can say is that not only didn't I "enjoy" it, it made the bile in my stomach rise up in my throat. Monty Oscar Nelson-Battison, or Batty as I like to call him, is the author of The Super Liberal. This is one of the most left-wing, socialist, Kool-Aide drinking blogs I've seen since Daily KOS. It's so far left that it's made it way on to my Axis of Evil list.

To say we've had words is an understatement. It finally came to a head and I challenged him to do this interview. For some stupid reason, he agreed.

Les: I have a hard time going to your blog. I find you deeply disturbing. But I'll give you credit for even answering your cell phone. To be as gracious a host as I can, tell me what you hope to accomplish by publishing the rubbish that you do.

Monty: Of course you see rubbish because that is all your kind produces, just a bunch of materialistic crap that breaks down into little modules of plastic thus clogging the arteries of children. I'm not the one killing children am I?

For someone who says they have a hard time going to my blog you sure do spend a lot of time there. Hippocrates called dude, he wants his oath back. Gaia damnit, no wonder why humans are causing global warming.

And don't ever compare me to that trash KOS...hold on for a little while, my mom needs me to come home and put the laundry in the dryer...okay back. KOS doesn't have the balls to be as liberal as I am. He still drives a car and writes for a magazine that kills trees. Sounds like someone who sold out his leftism to me.

Les: So let me see if I understand this, you live a completely, 100% free of any influence upon the earth life? Bull crap and I'll tell you why. Where to begin? The hypocrisy that you have already alluded to is yours and it oozes from every hemp fiber of your being.

Let's start with cell phone you're talking on, the laptop you use to produce the "rubbish", and I do call it rubbish as it's a waste product of what I'm sure you'd term 'abuse of the resources that belong to Gaia' or what ever. Where did they come from, huh and at what cost under your preciously held 'theory' of Global Warming? But I'm getting head of myself.

Monty: The environmental damage from the creation of my cell phone and laptop has already happened. I can only stop the future, not the past. That’s your best? When you bring the ball to the hole you better come correct son, as a famous poet once written.

Les: Don't interrupt me, Batty. You'll get your chance.

The coffee beans didn't just roll up here from South America to that energy sucking Starbuck's where you steal bandwidth you know. Is your bike biodegradable? Wasn't it -according to your brand of socialism- 'produced by some down trodden children in a forced labor camp work environment, after the materials were made by spewing toxic garbage all across your beloved Mother Earth', all so you could put on self-righteous airs and claim you're a better person than the rest of us? The best you should claim is that you're killing this world in a slow, humane manner. Just at little poison over a very long period of time. That way it won't hurt so bad. That's a very sick and twisted way of 'loving' something. I'm sure Mommy approves…

Tune in tomorrow for the rest of this riveting interview.


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Bo Peep-ing: Interview with a Goat Herder

It's my privilege to introduce the first in a monthly series of "interviews" with some of the funnest humor bloggers around. RT of RT's Ponderings is my guest today. She will be playing the part of Little Bo Peep. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as we did co-writing it.

Les: Today on The Les James Show, I have the pleasure of talking to one of the world's best loved goat herders, Little Bo Peep and doesn’t she look good enough to eat in that ruffled skirt? Whoa! What’s that hook thing? I'd sure like to find out what you do with that. Oh, yeah sweet cakes...

So, Bo baby, how ya doing?

Bo Peep: Ummm....I'm just peachy, but let's get something straight. I am a shepherdess of sheep. That hag Muffet is the goat herder.

And if you mistake me for her again, I will like sweep your leg with the hook. Got it?

Les: OK, OK. I see how this is going. You like girls. That's cool with me. How about we just get to the questions?

Bo Peep: I like men. Real men. You know the type: the ones that have jobs that don't require sitting behind a desk and looking pretty... like a woman! That's why I have an outdoorsy job--the farmhands are muscle-bound hotties.

Les: Yeah, the farmhands. What ever. Fine, sorry, all right? Now can we just do the interview? Jeez.

Bo Peep: Fine, it was your idea, anyway.

Les: Good. Here we go then.

With the furthering decline of the U.S. dollar against the Euro, how do you see our trade deficit affecting America's ability to compete with the Chinese in an ever-expanding global market?

Bo Peep: Dollars? Hmmm...dollars. Well, I, ah.... Are you saying dollars don't equal dollars anymore? Does that mean they equal quarters?

Euro? What's a Euro? Is that a car? Is it like the Yugo? I have two Yugos that I use to have chariot races with the sheep.

Ummmm...like, I don't know how to answer the question, but since you mentioned Chinese, I'd like some General Tso's. Is that possible? I'll pay you back. Do I pay you back with quarters or dollars?

Les: What ever. I don't care. Do you usually get paid in quarters? Being a sheep hooker and all, I just thought… Oh, never mind. I'll just order out. General Tso's huh? Sounds kind of pinko to me.

Bo Peep: Pinko? Chicken isn't pink unless you don't cook it right!

Oh, and don't think I didn't get that sheep hooker comment, you gold chain, leisure suit wearin' jerk. If you must know, I take Visa. Quarters to hook a sheep? That's a skill not too many possess, you know!

Les: Damn girl, no need to get to so testy. What, hormones out of whack? And just lay off the treads, OK? Look, let's just get to the next question. About made me lose my place. Ah, here it is.

With Russian imperialism raising it's ugly head in the post-Cold War 21st century, do you see the U.S. role as: A- It's none of our business, let the U.N. handle it, or B- Nuke the NeoCom SOBs back to the Stone Age?

Bo Peep: First, who are you to say that Russians are ugly? If you saw sheep butt all day, you'd think Helen Thomas was your dream come true. Second, maybe they would be nicer people if they weren't so cold. Third, why does it matter what we think? If they are cold and are at war with the cold, why not make a sweater and get warm? I have plenty of wool I could sell them. They have Visa cards, right?

Les: Helen Thomas, huh? Well, put a bag over her head…

You know, I thought we'd have an intelligent conversation but hanging out with dumb goats all day must have worn off. Apart from being hayseed, you know what your problem is?

Bo Peep: Problem? My problem? You can't even remember that I herd sheep and not goats. There is a big difference. Sheep are gentle woolen creatures and goats just like to put their noses where they don't belong.

Les: Oh, it's like that is it?

Bo Peep: Yeah, it is like that! In fact, I have a right mind to just up and leave this so-called interview. What did I do with my hook?

Les: Yeah, your hook and the goat, or what ever, you rode in on.

Bo Peep: Sheep! I herd sheep! You gotta thing for goats?

Les: Have a thing for goats? Well, you’ve got a sick, twisted... What are you doing? Where do you think you’re going? We’re not through yet. I know you can still hear me through that door! Get back in here and clean-up this straw you’ve tracked in!

I think that went well.

Today we've had a chance to see the real Little Bo Peep. Tune in next time on The Les James Show, for another insightful interview with some of today's most interesting guests. This is Les James saying, good evening and have a kind word for those around you.


Are we off? Good. Rob get my 30/30 out of the dressing room. We're going goat hunting.




Attention Humor Bloggers! If you'd like to join me in one of these bizarre interviews, please contact me with an idea of what type of character you'd like to play.



Photo: picnic by ellie