Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Very Brief Review of Christmas Gifts

by Matt Kolbet

A sign at the mall suggests I give the ultimate gift, which it turns out, is style. Note to self: Tell my wife it’s not love, my son it’s not life, and the poor and destitute that it’s not hope.

Most end-of-the-year reviews discuss the best-selling gifts of the preceding season. I’m not talking about Tickle Me Elmo or Guitar Hero for Monkeys, though they have had their day. Instead, I’d like to review two gifts that won’t be flying off any shelves soon, unless the customer has hidden their Walmart Guide to Not Getting Trampled behind them for safekeeping.

This Year’s Worst-Selling Christmas Gifts:

The George W. Bush Transformer! The figurine, whose catch-phrases include “Go ‘Merica!” “Nucular!” and “Mission Accomplished!” transforms to become a duck with one bad wing. Kids will love pretending to fly him around in circles.
It’s Terrorist Qasim! Kids will be queuing up to get the latest in a line of action figures manufactured especially for enemies. Qasim comes with machete and AK47, as well as strap-on bomb. He’s prepared for any intifada. Made in China and dipped three times in lead paint, there’s no beating Qasim. If there’s a bully in your life, this is the way to spread hate and anger over the holiday season. Qasim’s toxicity means he is truly the gift that keeps on giving, like having your own dirty bomb. Buy one today! Has-Been Toys©, makers of Little Abdul’s Jihad-in-a-Box.

As America takes a break from consumerism and looks ahead to February and the kind of love developed in a laboratory by Hallmark and See’s Candies, try to keep in mind a simple caveat for that next round of gift giving, whether it’s birthdays, anniversaries or arbor day: no matter how bad the gift is, give it with style and everything will work out for the best. Go ahead and plant a seed that no one wants to grow, but do it coolly. I learned that at the mall

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Les James said...

I'm not sure an action figure with a strap on anything is a good gift for kids.

Anonymous said...

I think the Guitar Hero for Monkeys was too much like the original so they never bothered...

Les James said...

Oh Great Sinister One, so nice hear from you again. BTW I really did enjoy your post on The Great White North's recent political circus. It rivals what's happening here on the comedic scale.

RT said...

Funny stuff! :)