Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Being Kind Of Creepy, Part Two

by Les James

A guide to getting a little revenge on inconsiderate bastards

Last week I gave you a little peak inside the dark basement of my soul. Today I’ve got three more examples of what you can do, if you want to exact a little well deserved payback from some of those inconsiderate sons of bitches that populate our highways and byways.

I'm just going to assume that most of you don’t have your night vision goggles on, so hang on to someone who does and let’s head back down those rickety stairs.

 I guess I'll have to describe what happened. It's a lot better if you could see it for yourself but did you bring your goggles? Noooo. Fine, let's get this thing started.

As usual, I was minding my own business, driving home along highway 95. In my rear view mirror, I can see this guy in a pick-up swerving around traffic trying to get one car closer to heaven.

Suddenly, he’s riding on my ass so close that I can’t even see the grill of his truck. He’s swerves back and forth between the single lane along our side of the highway and the on-coming lane. We reach a construction zone where a new interchange is going in. It’s clearing marked as 35 MPH through this constricted area. Workmen in vehicles are close to the edge of the lanes and several on foot are milling about looking busy.

This idiot decides to pass in the midst of all that congestion. Before I even realize what he’s up to, he’s side by side with me. I do the quick mental math and see that there is no way he can make it. Then I hit my horn –in case for some reason he has no earthly idea what’s about to happen.

I lock up my breaks as do the shocked people in the on coming lane. Vehicles skidding, trying to avoid head-on collisions, rear-ending the poor folks in front of them or killing one or more of the construction crew.

The m-fing simpleton driving the truck manages to just make back into the proper lane, almost taking me out as he does.  I almost end up running off the road. Then with my heart racing, I take an assessment of the situation. Let’s see, I’m still driving, no one around me seem to have hit anything or any one and the guy in the truck (now in front of me) is flipping me off. Everything is fine.

The guy in the truck is what? Yeap, he’s waving that single digit in the air and looking in his rear view mirror at me. I control the urge to floor my truck and push his ass off the highway.

Instead, I drop back to a safe distance and follow him. I pass my turn-off and keep my distance. I follow him for another five miles and he turns off the highway. I continue to follow him for another three miles of residential dirt roads, until he turns into his gravel driveway.

I pull over to the side of the road, across from his house, and roll down my window. I want this one to see my face. He knows I’ve been following him and now he gets out of his truck very slowly and looks at me without trying to seem like he’s looking at me.

As he walks up to his front door, I extend my arm out the window and point at him, like the grim reaper. He knows that I know where he lives.

A few months later, a taxi for wheelchair bound  passengers–with occupants- gets pissed off at me for not turning left into traffic that are ignoring their red light. The taxi driver flashes his lights and honks his horn at me. I get a chance to turn left and as I do so, this guy flies around me and cuts me off. Of course, you guessed it- he flips me off. What’s with these people?

And, of course, you guessed my response, I followed him. It was a bit tough as he insisted on blowing through red lights and passing everyone he could. But this town doesn’t allow for too much of that, with it's  mostly, two lane roads, a few stoplights and a bunch of stop signs. I was able to keep him in view, and even while obeying the law, caught up to him.

He knew I was back there alright but when he arrived at a medical center, I parked a ways away from him and his wheelchair bound passengers. This time I had something else in mind.

I waited until he was through getting his charges out of the van then I opened up my cell phone. He could see what I was doing, I made sure of that.

It’s pretty stupid to drive in a reckless manner and flip-off folks when you’re in a van with a vehicle number, a company name and a great big, company phone number lettered, ever so neatly, on the sides, back and front. Yes, I did. I called the company and then I waved to him and drove off.

But my all time favorite was the warm spring day when a guy in a yellow Mustang came screaming out of a parking lot, narrowly avoiding several cars as he crossed both of their lanes and headed right towards me on the far side of the road. I hit the breaks as he cut in front of me and somehow managed to make it into the right hand lane, just as the light ahead of us changed.

Oh, I forgot to mention the finger. I’ve still got my foot on the break, both hand on the wheel and he has the ability to whip out his middle finger to me as he passes by. I just don’t get it. It there a sign on my cars I don’t know about?

As I said, it was a warm spring day and a lot of people had their windows down. This particular traffic light is rather long, so I knew I had plenty of time. The yellow Mustang was now stopped right next to me in the other lane.

I get out of my car and look at him, smiling. This draws a lot of attention from the other drivers who have also just been involved with this selfish idiot's antics.

I yell over to him. “Hey, were you just asking me if I’d like to have sex with you?” His head snaps around to my direction as does many other heads in the other cars. Then I said, “While I’m very flattered you would ask, I not really that kind of guy and I don’t think my wife would approve.”

Laughter erupts from all around. The moron slides down in his seat. Lesson learned…maybe.

So what did you get from all of this? Other than a lot of people seem to like to flip me off. I’m hoping you have seen that there are ways to deal with this type of slime-trail leaving, highway vermin, that does result in violence and jail time.

Maybe you now feel empowered to have a little fun at the expense of those who have endangered your life or have just made it a little uncomfortable. Remember, practice makes perfect and we all want to be perfect.

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Snigglefrits said...

Flipping lit cigarettes into offending convertibles is a lot more fun than flipping people off. I'm also fairly fond of the idea of dancing on their hoods when they go into the grocery store. Dancing isn't violent is it? I mean, it is a form of expression. [insert fluttering eyes here]

Les James said...

I don't know Snig, but here's another form of expression for you.

Many years ago, a good friend of mine, Bruce,his twin brother, Brian and I were surfing at Huntington Beach pier. This guy,who Bruce knew, kept cutting him off on every wave he could. Poor manners to be sure.

Bruce said nothing but had a glint in his eye. It was a hot summer's day and as we were leaving, walking through the parking lot, I could tell he had something in mind.

Bruce put down his surfboard next an older sedan. Then he jumped up on the hood and dropped his surf trunks.

After depositing a large, smelly present on the very hot hood, he smiled, pulled up his trunks and said, "He'll know who did it."

Sometimes revenge isn't so sweet.

Snigglefrits said...

I have my moments, but I'm far too much a lady to take a poo upon someone's hood. I'll stick with dancing thanks all the same.

Oh and I do have a few business cards still, to leave on the windows of those who park so close you need to be greased to get between the cars. It reads-

For parking so close!
Next time, leave a damned can opener so I can get my car out.
Stupid assholes like you should ride the bus.

The few times I've left one on someone's car, I've felt tons better.