Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Being Kind Of Creepy

by Les James

A Guide to Getting a Little Revenge on Inconsiderate Bastards. 

Today I want to delve into the darker side of my otherwise bright and shiny, model citizen, life. I won’t be shedding any illumination on this rather seedy underbelly of my soul; instead you’ll need to put on your night vision goggles. These things don’t hold-up well under the light of day.

Hey, careful you don’t confuse the night vision goggles with the beer goggles you were wearing last Saturday night. Whoa, was Sunday morning something you’d like to forget or what? Try to push past that. I’ve got some things to show you.

Got ‘em on? Good. Mind you, watch where you step. I’ve tossed a lot nasty things down these rickety stairs over the years. Stay close to the wall, there’s no handrail. Not too close though. No telling what might be stuck to it.

Ah, here we are. Feel free to pull up a discarded…ah… on second thought; you might just want to stand.

Look over there. See where I’m pointing? What do you think? Pretty good, huh? In a twisted sort of way.

What? Oh…OK, I see. For those of you who foolishly tagged along without your goggles, I describe it to you.

First, I’ll let you know that the incidents I’m going to portray all involved driving. Funny how that seems to be such a common thread but I’m sure you can relate. There are closet arrogant, stupid, inconsiderate people everywhere but those less than stellar character traits seem to jump right out and into the driver’s seat, as it were, when they get behind the wheel of an automobile, SUV or pick-up truck. Oh, and bicyclist, don’t forget those SOBs! We’ll leave them for another day.

Picture this:

I’m minding my own business, driving down a busy main street, in a town in central Oregon. Suddenly from across that street, three teenaged girls dash into traffic. Brakes squeal as people try to avoid hitting these three morons and the other driver’s cars.

As they run past my skidding truck, one of them flips me off. I’m in the outside lane and as they now trot into an alley, giggling, I turn in behind them and slowly start to follow.

Stupidity is one thing but flipping me the bird while being stupid takes this to a whole new level. I love to teach and it’s lesson time!

The alley is about 200 feet long and I can see that they are rather nervous as I creep behind, slowly following them. Good. At the first opportunity, they cut left into a parking lot. I continue to drive up to where they turned and stop.

My dark tinted side window remains up. All they can see is a shadow form, staring at them. Now I can see they’re a scared. Fantastic! As George Bush would say, “Mission Accomplished”. I drive off, laughing.

What brought me to this place? It’s simple. I’ve gotten sick and tired of this type of crap going unanswered. Then one day, after being the victim of yet another idiot's thoughtless machinations (which is a task only a truly inconsiderate bastard can accomplish) I had a vision. I felt compelled, no inspired, to do something about this type of behavior, if only for my own sanity.

The following story is an example of what I use to do, before my epiphany.

A few years ago I’d just finished building a new flat bed trailer for my whitewater raft. My dad was kind enough to lend hand with this project and I was heading home from his shop, where the construction had taken place.

A large, expensive SUV pulls in behind me on a narrow, downtown street, clipping the trailer. It then turns right, at the next street. The blocks are very short and not believing what has just happened, I turn and backtrack. I find the SUV and follow. I blink my lights, hit the horn and wave to pull over, from my open window. Nothing.

After a couple of miles the SUV does pull over, apparently at its destination. Out steps a well-dressed woman. I jump out of my vehicle and yell something clever like “HEY!

She turns and regards me with a look that says that I’m wasting her time. Livid but under control, I explain to her what she did, the hit and run nature of her actions and her response to me? She looks at the mangled trailer and says, “It’s not that bad, I’m sure you can fix it.”

Ready to burst, I contemplate my options. I’m about to do something rash and decide it’s best just to leave. As I start to walk away I mutter something a friend of mine use to say, “You just can’t have nice things.

“Yes you can”, she says. “I have a Cadillac Escalade.”


See? It’s purely a matter of inconsideration of others. These bastards need to have someone out there, ready to take them to task. It’s a calling and I’m prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to help society at large.

Next week, I’ll bring you more examples of slightly creepy revenge and give you a few tips on how you can make the streets safer, while giving yourself a much deserved, warm and fuzzy sense of personal satisfaction.

Hey, we all got to do what we can.

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Chris C said...

You are the annoyance vigilante?

Sounds like a very busy job.

Les James said...

In these tough economic times, I have a recession-proof position.

David said...

I trust that in the middle of the night some rightous soul managed to put a well-placed steel-toed boot into the driver's door of her beloved Escalade....not that I would know anything about that.