Fixing the Economy: Buy Me a Puppy

by Les James

The government knows full well that recessions, if left alone, historically, tend to reverse after about twenty-four months. Since we went into this one about thirteen months ago, we only have to wait out another eleven, before it will being to right itself. 

But all of this "economic stimulus" isn't about recovery, it's about control. In the long term, the greater the people are in debt to the state, the greater power the state has over We The People.

With one sixth, of the Obama's proposed 825 Billion economic stimulus package, going to schools, with the idea that it will make people feel better about being poor and unemployed, by allowing them to go to college instead or letting their kids sit in a better looking classroom, it stands to reason that buying unhappy people pets will have much the same effect. Now that was a very long sentence to describe a simple principle -our government is now focused on keeping us sedated.

 I know I'll feel better after the Obama brats get their new dog, and I can only imaging my own joy at have a tail wagging, bundle of furry fun running around my house. Just think, if Obama will just give all of us doggies of our own, we'll be too busy to worry about how we're going to pay for all of the economically crippling programs and give-aways that are squandering away our grandchild's futures.

But we shouldn't get just any dog.  No way. Every household should receive a very large bred pooch.  They're so cute when their small! We'll be so engrossed in playing with our new best friends, that we won't even notice their rapid growth or the increase in how much of our incomes they'll be eating.

And since it will be illegal to try to restrain them or stop any further increase in their now over-bloated, lard filled, Biggest Loser, fat asses, that they'll just crap all over the place, chew up the furniture and raid the pantry, on top of our bank accounts.  We'll just let them, in an attempt to keep them happy, because of all the good, loving intentions, they were suppose to deliver.

In the end, we'll discover that this short term solution to our unhappiness, has had very long term down-side effects.  Eventually, all we'll be left with is a very large, fat, unruly, ungrateful, junk yard dog, that will bite the hand that feeds it.

Maybe I don't want a free puppy after all.

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Fixing the Economy: Get Out Of My Undies

This post may be the first in a series of informative articles that could bring America back from the edge of economic collapse. I don't actually expect the incoming administration to pay any attention to my advice, still I consider it my patriotic duty to inform those who are willing to listen, if I don't get bored with it all first.

Right up until Christmas Day, I heard a completely and utterly annoying amount of designer underwear commercials. OK to be fair one -for me anyway- is annoying but the onslaught of one very fifteen minutes or so, took it into the realm of completely and utterly.

It seems that every designer known to mankind has now decided to get as up close and personal as they can with the panties,bras, briefs and boxer wearing crowd as possible.

For a woman, I don't suppose it's all that terrible to have a man's name on their lingerie. But why in hell's name do I, as a man -yes I checked- what some other guy's name on the waistband of my shorts? To top it off, this designer guy is either flaming or questionable at best.

Now understand, I'm not homophobic. I have no fear of homos. I just don't want my midsection to become a billboard for males that I don't have any desire to ever have that close to my privates. Matter of fact, I don't want ANY guy that close.

I only dated women. I'm happily married to a woman. Even my primary heath care provider is a woman. OK, maybe I am a little homophobic.

Still, Sears and K-Mart have always served real men well enough in the past. Walmart now has a handle on that segment. But they're all missing one of the greatest opportunities ever for zeroing in on the true desires of the men's butt crack and family jewels, first line of coverage, target market.

Consider what would happen if the Victoria's Secret models started doing commercials for designer boxers and what if they had the name of some sexy starlet like Scarlet Johanson, for example, embroidered across the fly?

I tell you what would happen. For the first time in history, married men would be buying their own under shorts, that's what!

Get the men out of your underwear and get yourself into hers. See, I even came up with a winning ad slogan!

I'm thinking Jennifer Aniston for the tighty whitie crowd. Sultry in a wholesome way, I bet she could even talk the Pope into endorse her brand.

At least half a dozen other babes pop-up for consideration to lend their names those ball hugging, thong-type, torture devices that are supposed to drive women wild.

The truth is, like most of those naught little nighties and lacy black items with lots of extra straps and fasteners, designed for the women's market, most men would just be a nightmare strutting around in one of those slings. Still, watching the commercials filled with Playboy Bunny wannabes would be fun.

The mark-up on designer crap is way out of line but these would sell like porn. Within weeks, the men's clothing industry could be on a firm... footing again.

Wake-up you Madison Avenue marketing guys. Sales are down because men are. Sex sells. Get out of Tommy Hilfiger's closet and jump on some of the those hot women. They'll get your sales pointed in the right direction.

[Note: an avowed heterosexual and a gun totting, self-proclaimed, Real Man, Les makes no apologies for the sexist tone of this or any other post]

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