Thursday, January 1, 2009

Fixing the Economy: Get Out Of My Undies

This post may be the first in a series of informative articles that could bring America back from the edge of economic collapse. I don't actually expect the incoming administration to pay any attention to my advice, still I consider it my patriotic duty to inform those who are willing to listen, if I don't get bored with it all first.

Right up until Christmas Day, I heard a completely and utterly annoying amount of designer underwear commercials. OK to be fair one -for me anyway- is annoying but the onslaught of one very fifteen minutes or so, took it into the realm of completely and utterly.

It seems that every designer known to mankind has now decided to get as up close and personal as they can with the panties,bras, briefs and boxer wearing crowd as possible.

For a woman, I don't suppose it's all that terrible to have a man's name on their lingerie. But why in hell's name do I, as a man -yes I checked- what some other guy's name on the waistband of my shorts? To top it off, this designer guy is either flaming or questionable at best.

Now understand, I'm not homophobic. I have no fear of homos. I just don't want my midsection to become a billboard for males that I don't have any desire to ever have that close to my privates. Matter of fact, I don't want ANY guy that close.

I only dated women. I'm happily married to a woman. Even my primary heath care provider is a woman. OK, maybe I am a little homophobic.


Still, Sears and K-Mart have always served real men well enough in the past. Walmart now has a handle on that segment. But they're all missing one of the greatest opportunities ever for zeroing in on the true desires of the men's butt crack and family jewels, first line of coverage, target market.

Consider what would happen if the Victoria's Secret models started doing commercials for designer boxers and what if they had the name of some sexy starlet like Scarlet Johanson, for example, embroidered across the fly?

I tell you what would happen. For the first time in history, married men would be buying their own under shorts, that's what!

Get the men out of your underwear and get yourself into hers. See, I even came up with a winning ad slogan!

I'm thinking Jennifer Aniston for the tighty whitie crowd. Sultry in a wholesome way, I bet she could even talk the Pope into endorse her brand.

At least half a dozen other babes pop-up for consideration to lend their names those ball hugging, thong-type, torture devices that are supposed to drive women wild.

The truth is, like most of those naught little nighties and lacy black items with lots of extra straps and fasteners, designed for the women's market, most men would just be a nightmare strutting around in one of those slings. Still, watching the commercials filled with Playboy Bunny wannabes would be fun.

The mark-up on designer crap is way out of line but these would sell like porn. Within weeks, the men's clothing industry could be on a firm... footing again.

Wake-up you Madison Avenue marketing guys. Sales are down because men are. Sex sells. Get out of Tommy Hilfiger's closet and jump on some of the those hot women. They'll get your sales pointed in the right direction.

[Note: an avowed heterosexual and a gun totting, self-proclaimed, Real Man, Les makes no apologies for the sexist tone of this or any other post]

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6 comments:

Mr Shizzo said...

Nice kickoff to the New Year! True, who needs a brand name just to cover up the stinky stuff?

RT said...

Uh....I guess as long as the Victoria's Secrets boxers don't include the color pink and rhinestone thongs for men...just sayin'.

Les James said...

RT- Why? Yeah, I guess I can see your point. Rhinestones on a thong could be rather painful.

Shizzo- bathe, dude.

Snigglefrits said...

I thought real men went commando. [insert innocent look here]

Les James said...

I didn't want to delve that deep into my personal life but...

Snigglefrits said...

Ok Les, you gotta do something about the word verification-
nuzzlent too closely resembles nuzzle nut and considering the topic of conversation, well, that's just too over the top. :P