Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Conceiving The New Year


Humor writers wanted. A major part of the design of Sideshow Mirrors is to be a place where humor writers can submit their works. It's often difficult for a writer to find a place that will even consider publishing their labor. This blog will not publish everything you submit but, if it's original humor (and funny), you got a pretty good shot.

Today we are happy to bring you Matt Kolbet. He teaches and writes near Portland, Oregon. His work, often darkly humorous, has appeared in The American Drivel Review and online at Defenestration. It's very possible you will see him here again. We hope so.


Happy New Year

by Matt Kolbet


When the new year rolls around, the media looks for signs that things will be different (translation: not as shitty after a night of heavy drinking), and begins by celebrating the first baby born in the new year as a symbol of hope. This practice, however, overlooks the possibility of another meaningless statistic: the first baby conceived in the new year.

Instead of toasting friends and family, signing auld lang syne off key, or popping fresh bottles of champagne at the stroke of midnight, participants need to have achieved full penetration and be ready to orgasm when the bells chime.

As a new tradition, the practice will appeal to multiple social strata, from the aging strangers who came to the party because they had “nothing better to do,” to the enthusiastic married couple who, after four years of trying to have a baby, are ready to try numerology and astrology in addition to counting the days from her last period, to the teenager girl who lives next door and simply got carried away after a triple-dog dare from her friends.

Moreover, this new movement can be used as an ad campaign for Right-to-Life groups, reiterating that life begins as conception, which, if you think about it, is what New Year’s Eve (and the accompanying morning-after resolutions) is all about.

Image: Les James

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4 comments:

Mr Shizzo said...

Who will give birth to the New Year? I'll light some fireworks in comemoration tonight.

Les James said...

I'm thinking Al Gore. If he could birth the Internet, the New Year should be a breeze.

RT said...

Now that is a contest I can get behind. Oh wait, that's not how it works, does it? Guess I wouldn't be too successful. :) Happy New Year!

Les James said...

I guess it would depend on who's behind you.