The Life and Times of Sgt Bilko: Tidbits of Humor

by Sgt Bilko

Oh, how the time, she do fly. So instead of telling a long and detailed story, I decided just to pick a few rather more amusing moments from the Life and Times of Sgt Bilko….

…after never having consumed a frapacchino before, chugging 5 bottles in a row and running thru the ER at 2 a.m. screaming; “It’s BACON!!!!!!!!”

…writing everyone’s nickname on the room assignment board and then having a Mass Casualty occur, which brought in everyone from the hospital commander on down. Try explaining why “Blair Witch” has trauma room 2 and “Phat Paddy” is on the desk when confronted with an angry Colonel at 3 a.m.

…going on an emergency call and having one of the firefighters crawl over your back while you’re administering care. If he hadn’t been wearing his turnout coat, I’m sure I would have fractured his ribs when I elbowed him and growled, “You’re not my boyfriend, get off my back.”

…being asked by a Private, “SGT Bilko, you’re from Alabama, can you teach me how to tie a noose?” and answering “PVT Cruz, you’re from Puerto Rico; can you teach me how to steal a car stereo?”

…being partnered with someone you despise during combatives (where they teach us hand-to-hand combat) and breaking her nose because you decided that UFC rules should apply.

…getting cited by the city cops for popping off rounds from your 9mm pistol and telling the Chain of Command that you’re “a redneck and that’s what we do.”

…telling the Sergeant Major that you’d rather get thrown out of the Army, live in your pickup and be a cook on the night shift at Waffle House than stay under his influence and command.

…chugging three Monster drinks before Physical Training formation and belching so loud the First Sergeant thought the cannon had gone off and called the whole company to attention and saluted.

…while administering the new Flu shots for this year, telling officers that they had the option of having the shot, the Flu Mist, or the Flu suppository.

…pulling up your Enlisted Records Brief and finding out that you’ve been listed as having been at one station (Dwell Time) since 1990. How can you be surprised that the Army thinks you’ve been sitting at one station for 18 years when it takes 6 months to get one simple allotment started?

Next month….either more amusing tidbits as I get ready to finally get OUT of the 3rd Infantry Division and go to a new base or possibly a 3 page rant on being still stuck IN the 3rd Infantry Division.

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