Conservative| Satire| Political| Humor at Sideshow Mirrors

Is Debt Reduction the new Green?

2010-11-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

Nancy Pelosi will lose her G5 broom under John Boehner's leadership -he'll fly commercial. The Tea Party's new congressional members are calling for deep cuts in spending. There are even a few hardcore Global Warming believing, polar bear hugging, Cap and Tradeors© that have begun to make noises in that direction.

So what does it mean? Hell if I know. But maybe, just maybe, it's a sign that Saving Green is the New Going Green© .

Jump ahead a few months, and we may see government officials rushing to gain righteousness through austerity. The next one-upsmanship may involve bragging about how much money they saved the taxpayer.

In the House cloak room

Congressman (R): "I rode my bike in here this morning instead of taking my chauffeur driven car. It shows that I get it."

Congressman (D): "Well I can top that. I just cut my staff by one person."

Congressman (R): "Not bad, but I'm co-writing a Bill that will slash our chamber's electric cost by mandating that at least half the lights always be off. That's going to save a lot more than you cutting one staffer."

Congressman (D): "Whatever. We Democrats have been passing legislation in the dark for years."

Congressman (R): "Yeah... Well, I guess that makes me a superior Save Green person."

Congressman (D): "Hold on. Even better than printing on both sides, I'm saving paper in the Congressional Washroom by using both sides of the toilet paper. So there."

Congressman (R): "....Uh... You win."

Saving Green is the New Going Green and Cap and Tradeors are the exclusive intellectual property of Les James. I don't care that he's not a real person. He still has rights. Like the right to vote.

Election 2010 -It's about time

2010-11-08T07:41:00.000-08:00

Did you remember to set your clocks back this weekend? Or did you wake-up to find you'd missed out on an extra hour's sleep?

Last Wednesday many of us woke-up to find our clocks had been set back to the 80's. The rest of you missed out. But don't worry, you'll get a second chance in two years and every two years after that.

Until then, go back to sleep. We got it from here.

Election Results 2010

2010-11-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm skeptical about the meaning of last night's election results. Will the Repubs REALLY get the message? While I'm encouraged by the Tea Party gains, I'm taking a wait and see attitude.

One thing's for sure, Nancy will be out of there. But she still has a couple of months to stick it to us. And speaking of sticking it to us, Barney Frank is not extinct. Too bad. This guy has done more to screw my house value than anyone else.

Tea Party: It's a little known fact

2010-11-02T06:45:00.000-07:00

In a bar in Boston, a postman expounds on the history of the first Tea Party. He explains -to the chagrin of those within earshot- that pissed-off patriots dressed as Mohawk Indians, boarded a ship in that city's harbor and dumped tea into the cold waters.

Today, pissed-off patriots are entering voting booths and are dumping incumbents. The Tea Party isn't interested in a Big Tent. They're looking for a much smaller enclosure. Maybe something far more traditional, something that fits the spirit of first Tea Party.

Hummmm. How about a "T"ea "P"arty "T"ee "P"ee?

Tea Party Physics... kinda

2010-11-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

The Tea Party is a movement, and movements require a force to move. I believe this force is the Democrat Party. And who best represents the Dems? Why Barack "The Hussein" Obama, of course.

This movement can be felt in our very cores. It's a gut reaction. One might even say to the bowels of our existence. So, the Tea Party is reaction to the actions of the Dems (and a bunch of RINOs). It's a bowel movement. The Tea Party seeks to expel a load of crap from the political alimentary system. Is it a coincidence their initials are T.P.?

Christine O'Donnell will get trophy for second place

2010-11-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

Christine O'Donnell ruined her chances of being elected through a series of unfortunate gaffs. Her "...not a witch" comment will be remembered long after the reason for it is forgotten.

Now where I have heard something like this before?

Budget? Poppycock!

2010-06-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

SURPRISE!
The House has decided they will make no further attempt to pass a budget this year (before December).

Why should we expect them to balance a silly check book when the streets are paved with gold, the riverbeds are lined with diamonds, everyone has a great paying job with full benefits, everyone is educated, and the world is at peace, loving everything American? Heck, if you live along the Gulf coast, you don't even have to go to a gas station anymore. The oil is coming to YOU!

But seriously, why read a 2000 page bill when you are assured it will fundamentally transform America and the entire World market? Health care passed without reading, so did the stimulus, why not just pass financial reform without looking as well? Isn't that how things are done in Washington? Relax, no one can blame you, you didn't know their would be drastic effects on the economy, how were you to know financial reform could effect finances? It's not your fault, all the other Democrats were voting for it, blame them. The problems were already here when you started, and those darn Republicans had messed everything up long before you got in office 30 years ago.

There, a little guilt transfer exercise for any congress-critter that backs anything B. Hussein Obama does for the next year. Or until we can throw you out in November.

A little note to congress. GET AWAY FROM MY CONGRESS!

Capitalism On Trial

2010-06-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

Watching the questioning of Tony Hayward by the "congress", I was reminded of something, something I couldn't put my finger on at first. Then it occurred to me what was happening. This "congress" is living out the trials of the characters in Ayn Rands fictional world of Atlas Shrugged.

Cudos to Tony Hayward, he knows more about the rights given by God than the ramshackle remnants of the Congress who created the freedom to exorcise those rights among men. In this same paragraph; Curses on his boss for caving at the meeting with Obama.

At the top of the events for the day, Congressman Barton took the high road offering an appropriate apology to Mr. Hayward and BP, for the shakedown they had received at the White House, and was later forced to apologize for apologizing after receiving his own shakedown from the idiots "in charge" of the minority GOP "congress". Add to this Vice President bumble brain Biden standing at a podium somewhere and accusing BP and Barton of the exact inaction the Obama regime is blatantly guilty of and unquestionably proud of committing. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

For the last 60 days, every single effort to protect the coast, save the animals, collect or burn the oil, stop the leak, provide for the common defense, or in any way mitigate the crisis of this ACCIDENT, has been met with a wall of bureaucracy thrown up to stop any forward progress.

Are you politicians so utterly corrupt that you don't even have a moral compass anymore? This is beyond broken. C'mon November, I can't wait to throw you idiots out of MY Congress, even if you have to be replaced with mental patients, drop-outs, and Rainmen.

The only statement Tony Hayward had to make to get elected as the next president of the U. S. comes directly from the 53 year old words in a fictional tale about government corruption and the absolute destruction of the freedoms of the builders of the world. In the words of John Galt himself...

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!

UPDATE: June 22, 2010.
The above statement goes double for General Stanley McChrystal when he faces the "president".

The True Depth Of Liberal Fear Exposed

2010-06-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

For nearly two years Liberals, Democrats, Progressives, Leftists, Socialists, and pretty much everyone who hates America and Americans, have been ranting and screeching about a certain attractive mother of five who happens to have genuine American values and proven leadership skills.

Now first of all let me say that far be it from me to attempt to travel within the unmapped endless meandering maze which comprises the thinking mechanisms which loosely constitute the definition of a liberal mind, but something occurred to me just the other day which gave me some glimmer of understanding into the direction of what might vaguely resemble the definition of a cognizant thought within the darkness that is a liberal brain.

Sarah Palin has boobs, and you could see them (not that way). Now before you get all freaky and shocked that I might have noticed (or not), let me point out that as a typical red-blooded heterosexual American male, I never once had the thought cross my mind that Sarah DIDN'T have boobs. I guess you could say I kind of assumed it was so. My point being that it made no difference to me. Well, that's not exactly correct either because it really does matter to me, but not for the reason it normally would matter to me. You see even though Sarah is, in my age group, sufficiently attractive, and generally within my range of "prospective" female preferences; I simply didn't see her as I normally would a potential personal partner. I can't define exactly why, but it seems to me like she is more a sister than anything else, and that is just creepy. Anyway back to the news at hand. Sarah's boobs. It seems there wasn't time to change before the big race at Belmont, so the Palins went directly to the track from the airport, and Sarah had on a rather clingy semi-transparent low-cut shirt.

Liberals, et-al, due to this image of Sarah, have had a shock sent through their malformed incongruous discombobulated little brains which have the complete incapacity to grasp even the simplest of minor facts without support from people they feel are smarter than they. To wit, THIS photograph...

WOW, I just might have to rethink my previous attitude. No wait, where was I, oh yeah. You see Liberals, et al, know they must be controlled by people who are better than they are, and the controllers are freaking out over these new developments(!).

This could well be a turning point in the leaning of national politics. After all living proof -occasionally- sleeps in the White House that Liberals, et al, will consistently vote for the two biggest boobs placed in front of them. Here's proof...

Unfortunately, it seems for the first time since the '08 elections, the horse Sarah was backing didn't win. Go Sarah! You keep picking them, and I'll keep voting for yours!

PS. Sarah, have a talk with Alito, I've sent him word but he's not responding to me, maybe you will have better luck.

IT'S FOR THE KIDDIES!!

2010-05-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

A short lesson that I have found somehow overlooked by the school system over the last generation. Just for the children, and poorly educated adults.

Religion of Peace Saves Kalifornistan

2010-05-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

The true religion of peace (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) fanned out over Kalifornistan during the previous weekend with 70,000 volunteers including their children to clean areas, pick-up trash, and paint fences and parking curbs that have been neglected by state crews due to the Marxism induced budget shortfalls in the Socialist state.

Contact was made with various officials concerning the clean up as well as illegal immigration.

Sideshowmirrors reporter Eric obtained exclusive interviews with 3 key figures in these two related stories.

The first interview was with the founder of Islam, Mohammed, in the ninth circle of Hell. (don't ask how I got there) His answers are somewhat garbled as his flesh was "torn from the chin throughout down to the hinder passage", and he was dragging his entrails underfoot.

Asking 2 questions about Islam being the religion of peace, and illegal immigration he responded;
"Now mark how I do rip me: lo! How is Mohammed mangled: before me walks Ali weeping," I suppose this as valid an answer as he could manage under the circumstances. Satan was unavailable for comment on the situation concerning the status of Mohammed. Here is a photo of the interview.(standing next to me is Hell tour guide and general escort Virgil)

The other interviews were conducted outside the San Dimas Circle-K with these two excellent dudes.

From 1998 Oats Military Academy in Alaska graduate, Wyld Stallyns co-founder, and current San Dimas Chief of Police - Ted Theodore Logan -

When asked about the religion of peace and illegal aliens Chief Logan responded;
"All we are is dust in the wind dude." and; "PARTY ON DUDES!" I suppose 10 years in Oats may have had a somewhat unfortunate effect.

Best of the interviews was the most excellent other co-founder of Wyld Stallyns, and current 14 term San Dimas Progressive platform Mayor - Bill S. Preston Esq. -

When asked the same two questions, Mayor Preston responded;
"Be excellent to each other", and; "Arizona can pack more illegals in a van than he and Ted could historical figures in a phone booth, and to him that earns them an A+, dude." He didn't recall seeing Mohammed on their Bogus Journey to Hell, but he asked me to pass on the Progressive message of Change and Hope.

Note: I didn't actually go to Hell for the Mohammed interview. The comments in "quotation" concerning Mohammed are taken directly from Devine Comedy by Dante Alighieri, Canto XXVIII.

Obama Gets A New Ride

2010-05-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

New Catch Phrase Coming, Someone Call Guiness

2010-05-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

I have determined that it is time for a new catch phrase to be created, and being the generous and warm-hearted gentleman that I am, I have decided to create it. First some foundation.

"I believe the nation that invented the automobile cannot walk away from it." 2/25/09

"It was like the Special Olympics or something." 3/19/09

"In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died -- an entire town destroyed." 5/8/09

"The Cambridge police acted stupidly."; Immediately followed by, "I don't know all the facts." 7/21/09

"Our failure to act responsibly at the federal level will only open the door to irresponsibility by others," 4/23/10

That is just a smattering, these things are all over the place. Oh, those are quotes from Obama over the last 14 months.

Here's my premise. The next time some liberal/progressive/moonbat says something that is completely stupid (how often does that happen), tell them they sound just like the President. Some examples..

Dude, you know you sound just like the President.
The President couldn't have said that any better.
How Presidential of you.
You should run for President, you sound just like him.
And my favorite;
The last time I heard a line like that, it came out of a Presidents mouth.

If they don't understand, the laughter from surrounding people should help it sink in.

Hispanic Racism

2010-04-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

There is a big uproar about the new Arizona State law about illegals. Let's get into the whole race thing that the left wing "media" wants to turn into a race issue.

Basically the Arizona law supports the US Federal law making it a Misdemeanor, in addition to the Felony that is the crime for being in the United States Illegally. What? It is a Federal crime to be in America illegally? YES IT IS!

If you cross the U.S. Territorial line, anywhere, ILLEGALLY, you have committed a Felony according to U.S. law, if you do it in Arizona you have also committed a Misdemeanor. WOW.

Living in Florida I know, if you are Cuban, all you have to do is reach dry land, and you are a "legal immigrant", and they won't send you away, come from anywhere else, and you are going back where you came from, period. Florida doesn't need a law similar to that just passed in Arizona.

Puerto Ricans.

What's that? Puerto Ricans are American Citizens at birth? YES THEY ARE! Oh, and they HATE Spanish speaking non-American Hispanics. Mexican, Cuban, and Haitian mostly, but it's not limited to them.

Here's the satire/conservative/non-racist spin.

If Arizona were Puerto Rico, they would be tossing all the "brown skin", Spanish speaking people back into the sea with no mercy. They aren't Americans, they would say(in Spanish), they don't belong here. Is that racism? I think not. I think it is Americanism.

Update: There is a bill going to vote on the floor in the House, TODAY (4/29/10) about Statehood for Puerto Rico (HR 2499). It is non-binding, so it's just another check mark to be shown on the ballot when they vote in PR. BUT, you saw it here first!

Some Of, The Construction Of American Government

2010-04-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

I live in Florida. To be precise, I live in Florida's U. S. Congressional District 3. My U.S. Congressperson is Representative Corine Brown. Corine Brown is an 8 term incumbent Democrat(since 1993), who previously served ten years as a Florida State Representative from the Jacksonville area. There is some information at the Wiki site if you click her name, but let me recap to save some time.

Corine Brown has a Masters Degree in Education from U of Florida, and an honorary dr. of law degree from Edward Waters College. She has been on the faculty at U of F, EWC and Florida State College at Jacksonville.

I give you my Congressperson Corine Brown.

You must to watch this video.

A short recap of her speech, but you really should watch it; Thank you mista speaka...GO GATA...I want to gratulate the universee a florda...flarda is the forth skoo in the modern ear to win 2 outright national ch--tylas in 3 yeehs...thir--the win makes Irvin Mayas the fifth active corch wit muttable national tylas...it is malice the mosh the presha he was unda...Pearcy Havey, who gusty play won him da game baw.

I could go on, but I hope you get the drift. (watch the video) I won't even go into her voting record.(part if it is at the Wiki link)

After the 1990 census, the Florida legislature carved out a new Third Congressional District in the northern part of the state. This district was designed to enclose an African-American majority within its boundaries(from Wiki). Corine won in '93. In 1995, the boundaries of the Third District were struck down by the Supreme Court due to their irregular shape.

Look at the shape of the 3rd today...

North Jacksonville, East Gainsville, West Orlando, and select areas between.

There is a little finger that sticks out(10 miles) to capture me, and thousands of blacks, in her 180 mile North/South district. Thank you Supreme Court.

There's an old saying that you can't change your neighbors, unless you move to a different neighborhood. From the look of my District, I can't change my congressperson unless I move either. Gerrymandering, alive and well in America.
A connect to another site where I saw this video.

2 Points 2 Make

2010-04-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

Point one; The original 1913 1040 tax form, with instructions. (this is a PDF form) Notice the site is the IRS. I wonder, if I had printed and filed this form would they accept it?

Point two; I read this just yesterday in his memoir, you have to wait to find out who it is, but here is a quote that strikes me as rather poignant right now. It is from a speech given on November 3, 1949. (1949!)

(The central issue of the campaign will be)"simply the choice between freedom and socialism." "The Democratic Party today, nationally and in our own state (of California), has been captured and is completely controlled by a group of ruthless, cynical seekers-after-power who have committed the party to policies and principles which are completely foreign to those of it's founders."

How about that, here it is 60 years later, and nothing has changed. Okay, I can hear you screaming, who is this and where can we get more of this type to run for office, well here's a picture of that guy.

Oh, if you are unaware, that is 37th POTUS, 36th VPOTUS, US Senator(CA), CA 12th Dist. US Representative, US Navy LCDR, Richard Milhous Nixon (January 9, 1913 – April 22, 1994).

"There's a Communist in the White House"

2010-04-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't normally just post a video, but when I watched it, well.....you'll see. Enjoy.
Go Victoria, Go!

Straw Poll Shows Straw Men Lead Republican Party

2010-04-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

Back in February, a GALLUP pole showed Obama virtually tied with "any R" for the 2012 Presidential election.

This guy

Equals this guy

We just need to put some flesh on Mr. Scarecrow.

Rather appropriate, I think, that the recent poll at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference, shows no-show Romney in the lead over non-Republican Paul by a single vote.

While I have to admit Ron Paul is quite the Conservative poster child, he is absolutely un-electable; and of course Romney is nothing but RINO-rightish.

Neither if these guys is the dandruff that Ronald Reagan left on his pillow, AFTER he was afflicted with Alzheimer's.

Just a glance at the other candidates on the list makes me sick with RINO-fever; Gingrich, Huckabee, Johnson, Pawlenty, Santorum; Are they kidding us?

The party Republican truly hasn't the slightest idea what they are doing.

The only real option at this point is NONE OF THE ABOVE.

Where is the hard-line, wrapped in patriotism, take no prisoners, salt of the earth, Conservative leadership spokesperson this country so desperately needs?

I'm holding out for this guy

And if it actually happens that he should run, you read it here first, and I deserve ALL the credit!

2012 Conservative Presidential And Staff Nominations

2010-04-07T18:21:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, just thinking what a mess my country is in and getting a reminder from Les that it isn't our duty to actually make the needed changes, but to plant the seeds for the ReConstitution of the American way, as we defeat the diarrhea that is the liberal agenda which is eviscerating America. Thanks Les, you remind me well.

In light of a "NEWS" story I saw on Drudge, I have assembled a list of my own personal nominations for national political office in 2012. Your own list likely varies, and input is welcome in the comment section.

President - Samuel Anthony Alito Jr. (Wiki him, he is AWESOME)

Vice President - SARAH! (Duh, not duh her, duh as if there is any other choice)

Chief of Staff - Chuck Norris (you are right Mr. President, if they disagree, I'll kick their ass until they understand you are right)

Press Sec - Michelle Malkin (God I love watching her chew up and spit out lefties)

Sec State - Ann Coulter ("Invade their countries. Kill their leaders. Convert them to Christianity". 'nuff said)

Sec Defense - David Howell Petraeus (talk about awesome, Wiki THIS guy)

Sec Homeland Security, with special assignment as Czar Eliminator and special interest/lobbyist corpse hider - Dick Cheney (anyone who would shotgun a lawyer in the face, needs to be in charge of the best interests of America)

Sec Education - Glenn Beck (sure he's plump, sure he's rich, but he tells the truth, he digs out and exposes lies, and he has children, oh, and he's not gay)

Sec Energy - T. Boone Pickens (eh, he's a rich liberal looking to get richer, but he has a good plan for energy independence)

Sec Treasury - Bernie Maydoff (want a scheming, tax-cheating, clueless, liar in charge of the Mint and IRS, who better than the best?)

Sec Veterans Affairs - John McCain (yes he's a RINO but he has earned the place to act in the best interest of vets)

Executive Assistant to ensure Constitutional limitation for all legislation(Constitution upholder) - Ron Paul (flat taxes, balanced budget)

Sec Interior - ROOOODY! (ROOODY)

Some players not listed for specific posts but recommended; Pamela Geller, The Fred(Thompson), Michelle Bachman, Newt, Mitt, Scott.

You will notice that not all offices have been included. I'm not actually a politician so I don't care about who is sitting in some office that I'm not aware of, UNTIL they effect my liberty; I will reconsider as required.

Note: Make no mistake, I LOVE the Tea Party movement, but I am realistic in the knowledge that the Republican party is the only one viable to seat Conservative values for President and VP in 2012, it is IMPOSSIBLE to third party enough ELECTORAL votes by then. Whomever you may choose, don't third party Obama into another 4 years.

Right Wing Humor is Service to Country

2010-04-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

That's right, I actually mean posting Right-Wing/ Conservative Humor and Satire is Service to Country. I'm retired Army, I know what that phrase means. I'll explain why I say that, but first a word to Eric.

Our friend Jump-Out hit the same wall as you about a year ago. He hasn't posted in all that time -that I'm aware of. It's a shame, the guy has talent. Eric, here's why you need to re-locate your gift of finding something a little funny in our dire times. Humor is a sharp edged tool in the fight to save our country. It allows one to say things in a way that can provoke, enlighten, inform, and motivate the reader.

Links to further info provide the "hard" news, while the post itself gives a break from the 2x4 across the head noise coming from the TV and radio.

I see Right Wing Political Humor as a suave to the wounds of the conservative psyche. We get out important (sometimes) information in a softer way. We are the kinder, gentler media. And is that not a service to our great nation? I sure think so.

Satiracally Impervious

2010-04-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

I watch the news every day. I read the blogs every day. I speak with my neighbors, friends and family every day looking for something humorous, or satirical in the politics we all live with every day.

I can find nothing funny about what we face in our future to make fun of.

Iran can launch a satellite, and will soon have nukes.
North Korea has nukes and will soon launch a satellite.
Russia is working with Chavez to sell them nukes, and helicopters.
America puts border defenders in jail for abusing border jumpers.
Patriotic American citizens are demonized as the enemy by the Department of Homeland Security.

Freedom and liberty are on the edge of being lost for all time in America.

I can find no humor in that. (I see now how Native Americans felt)

On the other hand, the "Census Bureau" sent me a form to fill out with questions I don't have to answer, TWICE. They have sent my neighbor the form THREE times.

Name, Age, and Sex for each person in residence are the only required answers; if you answered more questions, or answered more than one time, you just paid for more nukes in Iran, Venezuela and Cuba; more Taliban in Afghanistan, Iraq and Pakistan; and tragically, more "Democracy" in Americas Constitutionally required Constitutional Republic. Many people over the world will needlessly not survive the Democratization of Americas Constitutional Republic, and in that I can find little humor.

Press 2 if you would like this blog post in English.

Jihad For Jesus?

2010-04-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

Call them what you will, Jihadist for Jesus, Holy Hoodlums, Divine Desperadoes, Old Testament Terrorist, or a Bible Brute Squad, these Huntaree Christian Militia members are pure Satanic Evil.

I'd sure like to ask them:

What were you thinking? Were you jealous because the Israelis and Muslims are getting all the press lately? Did God really whisper in your ear and say "Hey I got an idea, why don't you kill some cops for me? I'm kinda busy" ?

If you all absolutely had to be raving religious whack jobs, couldn't you have followed the example of the Jim Jones cult? Guyana Grape...mmm, mmm! Or maybe you could mix arsenic with wine, and suck-down some Michael Jackson inspired, Jesus Juice.

Regardless, you're all a bunch of treasonous, cowardly dumb asses. I hope you all get sent to General Population at Gitmo. Wouldn't that make a great reality show? It could run for years. Because despite Obama's Executive Order and promises, it's going to open for a long time.

I love finishing on a positive note

Thank You Glenn Beck

2010-03-27T02:56:00.000-07:00

Glenn Beck, you know him, or have heard of him. Glenn Beck, stands as a Conservative American and speaks as a Conservative American. He learns the truth about America, and tells his accidents about what he used to believe being an American was, and what it means to him now..... And it should mean to you now. For you, following is a copy of my email to Glenn Beck, thanking him.

Thank you, Glenn Beck for educating Americans with facts, instead of theories.
Thank you, Glenn Beck for speaking truth, rather than speaking against it.
Thank you, Glenn Beck for showing Americans who their domestic enemies are.
Thank you, Glenn Beck for better defining the rules of what American means.
Thank you, Glenn Beck for supporting the Constitution of the United States of America, unconditionally.
Thank you, Glenn Beck for unreservedly supporting American military patriots, who have sworn to live and die for OUR Constitution, even though you have not.
Thank you, Glenn Beck for calling out LIARS, by name, whom have broken their oath to OUR Constitution.
Thank you, Glenn Beck for not believing that man is destroying the Earth, even as you live your life making an effort to preserve it from your impact.
Thank you, Glenn Beck for living the American dream, which all of us cannot, but every one of us still dream of.
Thank you, Glenn Beck for representing ME THE AMERICAN to the public that will never know me the person.

Glenn Beck; Would that I/Americans had Congressmen/Senators/Presidents who held and voted on the values that you portray. (I am curious to know if you would vote the same way if your single vote counted for more than just your single vote)(doesn't a President vote for his entire popular vote every time he signs a bill?)(or should he sign by his conscience?)

Glenn Beck; While you do not stand for everything that I believe in, you do portray to the world many of the things that I believe in, and for that, I thank you.

Glenn Beck; If you should run for office, in my area, you have my vote (for now). If not, I will still watch/listen to your show when I can (as long as you keep MY point of view).

Concealed Carry Is A Violation Of Constitutional Right

2010-03-24T23:51:00.000-07:00

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Anyone reading that? I am. I have a right to keep and bear arms, and nothing can be done to prevent that.

That means I can walk around in America without hiding my weapons. Except on Indian Reservations, unless I'm an Indian, which are not subject to the Constitution.

Yesterday I asked a police officer what gives him the right to carry his weapon openly at the 7-11, his answer was Amendment 2, the same right I have.

As an American citizen, you only need a permit to carry a weapon if you conceal it. In some areas, or establishments, or principalities, you are notified that Open Carry is not permitted. If you have documentation that you are an American citizen, no one can deny you the right to carry OPENLY.

Get your weapons out of the closet(they likely need cleaned anyway), carry them around with you. It is perfectly legal.(you don't have to load them, just clean them and carry around OPENLY) Just don't hide them. (note; Some weapons are illegal even with the support of the Constitution(which is illegal) so you shouldn't carry around a fully auto M-50's, hand grenades, or other things: Oh wait, Afghans and Iraqis can carry around fully auto AK-47's, and RPG's openly without question)

Funny isn't it that, the countries Americas have died for the freedom of have more freedom than Americans, but don't want the Socialism that constitutes Americas Constitution.

Freedom You Didn't Know You Lost

2010-03-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

I was denied a freedom earlier today by discrimination. Most of you may not even think about it, or it never occurred to you, but if you don't have a vehicle, you can be refused service at any fast food joint.

Let that sink in. You MUST have a vehicle or you will NOT be served. You have the money, you have the desire to buy food, you are able to move to the place that is selling a product you wish to purchase. YOU WILL BE DENIED SERVICE IF YOU ARE NOT INSIDE A MOTORIZED VEHICLE. Don't get me wrong, I tried to go back on a bicycle, then a motorcycle; They would not serve me food until I was in a 4 wheel vehicle. This is absolute discrimination. Burger King, and McDonalds are guilty of this crime, and the class action suing of these Marxist organizations begins from this point.

They owe me service that I offered payment for, without restricting my transportation means.

I WAS DENIED SERVICE BECAUSE I DID NOT MEED THE DEMAND OF THE SERVICE PROVIDER THROUGH NO FAULT OF MY OWN.

If that isn't a lawsuit, I don't know what is.

Thwim Or Think

2010-03-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Now that free health care is coming to Amerika, soon to be followed by immigration and millions of government jobs, it's time for some creative thinking. As always it's best to learn from an expert when trying to adapt a new life philosophy, so here is a quick guide for beginners.

T - Take a look at a nearby government employee and follow her lead. It will help here if you are a young uneducated female of a non-white race, don't worry if you aren't because the first thing the entitled learn is that no one can be discriminated against because of ignorance, sex, or race. (sorry about you older folks but your time to pay into Socialism is over anyway) Apply for food stamps.

H - Help yourself out by applying for any entitlement programs you aren't currently taking advantage of; For instance, your local library has books and movies you can read and watch, FREE. Toss out those Netflix, Blockbuster, and Hollywood video cards, quit going to the theater, and for the love of Man, quit buying Bibles for your family. Personally spending money on entertainment is way overrated and the government will provide all the entertainment you need, eventually. Apply for a Library card.

W - Welcome your new right to entitlement. There is nothing more satisfying to a lazy, ignorant, substance abuser than living life fat, drunk, and stupid. Take a look at any endangered species - have you ever seen a Panda worried about where his next meal, or girlfriend is coming from? If there is any species more endangered than a free American right now, I can't name it. Apply for welfare.

I - Individualism is dead. We are all part of the collective community that is humanity now, so quit thinking in terms of the individual. If you have individual retirement accounts, get rid of them, the government is going to take them away eventually anyhow. Those funds can be much better utilized by buying new wheels for your ride, a big screen tv, and best of all, exotic animals which are dangerous to you and your neighbors. Apply for education grants.

M - Motivate others to peacefully accept Socialism. Travel door-to-door passing the word supporting your glorious leaders. Many community organizations have open positions which pay you for this kind of activity, and there is no better contact list for finding out what kinds of entitlements you are entitled to, or getting your foot in the door for that lucrative government job. Volunteer.

In closing I wish all of you wonderful enablers of the future a magical stress-free life. For the rest of you hard-headed non-conforming "thinkers" who still believe in individual freedoms and rights, like me, I'll save you a bunk at the camp.

Just A General Rant

2010-03-20T00:57:00.000-07:00

There seemed to be a wonderful thing happening the other day(on March 17), that for some reason happens every year.

Green beer.

Now I get that it should mean something to some people who are of a certain ancestry; And I say good and well for them, they likely deserve some sort of party for whatever oppression they have suffered against to get to where they are now. Well actually they aren't.

But here is my question. When did the island of Ireland construct an independent government, throw off the oppression of mother England, convene a new Constitution, script a structure of laws among the inhabitants of their land, and absolutely throw off any connection to any King or Queen? Um, NEVER.

Saint Patrick's Day is nothing but a reason to drink green beer and thank the Irish for.... well, nothing.

It's too bad that Americans are so ignorant about history because as has so often happened in the past, history commonly repeats its' self. And America is in the midst of turning its' self into the greatest Roman Empire that ever existed, simply because of its' own lack of knowledge of history.

Define Irony better than that.

Spicoli Calls For Imprisonment Of Dictator Chavez Truthers

2010-03-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

Article by Sideshow Mirrors Exclusive Access Report (SMEAR) journalist Eric.

From FOXNews.com March 8, 2010

Jeff Spicoli, AKA Sean Penn, has sent out the call that any journalist calling the "President" of Venezuela a "Dictator" should be thrown in jail.

"Every day, this elected leader is called a dictator here, and we just accept it, and accept it" said Penn, winner of two Best Actor Academy Awards. "And this is mainstream media, who should - truly, there should be a bar by which one goes to prison for these kinds of lies."

So, the dope-smoking, woman-beating, photographer-attacking, jail-bird, hetero-phobic, Bush-hating, capitalist "ACTOR" Jeff Spicoli, thinks the First Amendment of the United States Constitution which guarantees freedom of speech and the press should be limited to leftist agnostics like himself, and a crime punishable by imprisonment for everyone else.

Well color me SHOCKED!

Just for fun, let's do a little review of the "accomplishments" of Mr. Chavez (or should I make that Dr. due to the multiple worthless honorary papers he has been given).

1. Military experience; Check
2. Failed Coup d'etat; Check
3. Imprisoned for attempted illegal government overthrow; Check
4. Development of new, locally oriented, Socialist political philosophy based on Marxism; Check
5. Anti-Capitalist, anti-Communist rhetoric; Check
6. Elected (sort of) as President; Check
7. Establish dominant control of newly numbered "old party"(fifth republic movement); Check
8. Rewrite, or abolish previous Constitution; Check
9. Eliminate term limit on "elected" office; Check
10. Control the press, free speech, tax rates, import and export of all goods, military, police, international policy and banks; Outlaw private possession of firearms, land, and businesses; Check and Check
11. Threaten to attack and annex neighboring countries that don't adapt your political policies; Check
12. Huge propaganda machine; Check

Does any of this look familiar? If you know history this is very striking, if you don't, let me help with some dates when these EXACT things were "accomplished" by another um, leader.

1. 1914-1920 (military)
2. 1923 (failed coup)
3. 1924-1925 (prison for coup fail)
4. 1921 (new party founder based on Marxism)
5. Yes (anti-capitalist/communist)
6. 1933 (sort of elected)
7. The Third Reich (Fifth Republic)
8. 1934 (Constitution burned)
9, 10, 11, 12. Check, Check, Check, Check (lifetime office, control everything, threaten other countries, propaganda)

Of course the comparison person from history is Mr. Adolph Hitler (didn't some college give him a Dr. degree too).

Now I can hear the critics screaming. Technically, to be termed "dictator" means there is no opposing party in an election, but since there is no longer an election for the life of the "President", there is no opposing party is there.

"Dr." Hugo is a Dictator. Just like another Dictator which I will not make further mention of here.

Also there is that pesky little 2010 report from the Organization of American States (which appeared in all those mainstream media sources, such as The Washington Post, CNN, The Wall street Journal, National Public Radio, (!) and The New York Times), and those annoying sanctions from the European Parliament claiming "concern about the movement toward authoritarianism by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's government".

Hey Spicoli, when the primarily Socialist leaning States of Central, South, and North America, and the entire Socialist leaning Parliament of Europe is concerned about Chavez being a Dictator, there is a pretty good chance that they aren't blindly speaking out of their nether regions, as you seem to be so prone to do with the passion of a fabulously rich overrated actor, which you are.

So to make no mistake about my intended statement here...

Chavez is a Dictator.
Chavez IS a Dictator.
CHAVEZ IS A DICTATOR!

You hear that you, you ACTOR? Bring it on surfer boy.

This is SMEAR journalist Eric signing off and saying once again, CHAVEZ IS A DICTATOR! Just in case my point hasn't been clear enough.

All items from the lists above taken directly from the Wikipedia pages for Hugo Chavez and Adolph Hitler.

Tower Kid Appointed As Czar Against Republican Input! (CARI)

2010-03-05T06:00:00.000-08:00

Sideshow Mirror Exclusive Access Report (SMEAR) journalist Eric has created this story that the recently exposed minor who had allegedly called out instructions to aircraft from the tower at John F. Kennedy International Airport, known only here as Harry, has been offered a non-vetted, executive level, appointment in President Barak Hussein Obama's cabinet as the newly created Czar Against Republican Input, with specific instructions to rally House and Senate members to support the President's agenda, regardless of the cost to their own careers.

SMEAR journalist Eric spoke with a former member of the Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization who had been fired in 1981 by former President Ronald Reagan. The former PATCO member refused to be identified because he wasn't a real person, however, he did mention the minor who allegedly spoke from the tower at JFK.

"He's my grandson, and I'm proud of the success he and my family have achieved."

He also expressed hope, after facing the last 30 years of being bitter about losing his high paying government job that never returned, because the evil Republican regime which had been in control of the government, was no longer in favor.

"I've spent the last 30 years digging ditches and greeting shoppers for pennies and I am certified to do the very job my grandson did (allegedly) perfectly, with absolutely no training. Where's the justice in that? My family never had a chance after those dirty right wingers illegally disbanded our union".

He continued, expressing his happiness that the new union in charge of air traffic controllers, the National Air Traffic Controllers Association, had overcome the efforts of the vast right wing conspiring to keep minority, poorly educated, and unmotivated individuals from receiving high paying, union backed, government guaranteed jobs like the one he used to have through affirmative action.

"Finally, with Obama, the Democratic controlled Congress, and NATCA, the change has come and those money grabbing rednecks aren't in charge. Real people are in control now and life couldn't be better".

In closing, he spoke briefly about a belief in reparations, which he feels he may be owed.

"Someone owes me, and I hope to be collecting Obama money soon".

No word has been heard from the newly appointed Czar Harry-CARI, on his objectives. His single mother could be heard speaking loudly with him in the Secret Service vehicle on the tarmac at JFK as it awaited the arrival of Air Force One, apparently for direct transportation to Washington D.C. and presumably the White House, earlier this week.

An unofficial statement from a lobbyist for NATCA reveals that the action the President has taken is adequate for its members to continue to support the President.

No word has come from the FAA on planned actions for the alleged incident at JFK concerning the newly appointed Czar, prior to, or after, any appointment. All records have been officially sealed from all eyes by the Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano.

A memo, of which no copy could be obtained, is reported to have gone out from the office of the President stating that all future questions from Congress about the health care bill, or other issues, should be directed immediately for action to Harry-CARI for responses.

I personally stood outside Blair House and could hear muffled sobs emitting from a window as several Secret Service agents gathered beneath it quietly snickering. There was no response from the Vice President after knocking at the front door.

No word has been heard from members of Congress, apparently they are not concerned.

This is SMEAR journalist Eric signing out until the next story can be created.

Palin vs. Oprah Behind The Scenes Exposed!

2010-03-04T18:31:00.000-08:00

In an EXCLUSIVE story for Sideshow Mirrors; A behind the scenes exchange of words between former Governor Sarah Palin and talk show host Oprah Winfrey following their on air interview from Nov. 16, 2009, has been exposed by crack journalist Eric*! (*yes, it's just Eric, he's that good he only needs one name)

Oprah: So tell me Sarah, exactly who are you, because most of what we taped is pretty much vanilla ice cream.

Palin: Well Oprah, I'm just an every-day American woman trying to live the American dream the best way I know how while loving my family, my God, and my country, and doing my best to help other Americans live the same dream.

Opray: Do you really think you have a better picture of what is best for America than Barak Hussein Obama? Do you think you are more American than he is?

Palin: Well no one can really say for sure what is better Oprah, but I have brought with me a few things that I think are interesting: Here is a Certified copy of my Certificate of Live Birth signed by a doctor and witnesses; My complete school and college transcript history; My marriage license; My complete medical history; My application for a United States passport; My history of every vote, and the position I took on every issue while holding every office I have been elected to as a public servant; My license to carry a concealed weapon; My applications for hunting licenses, animal tags, and complete police records from every town in which I have lived; My lifetime membership card for the NRA; As well as a video tape of my entire life with testimony from every person I have ever known, met, stood next to, thought about, or seen in a dream. Oh, and an autographed copy of my book.

Oprah: That's all fine and pretty but, what makes you think you are more qualified to be President than Barak Hussein Obama?

Palin: Oprah, didn't you hear anything I just said?

Oprah: So you are refusing to answer the question?

Palin: You invited me here to interview me about my book. I haven't even run for President, but if I were to, I think I have the necessary qualifications.

Oprah: Book? What book? Are you kidding me? YOUR BOOK? Do you seriously think just coming on my show will get you in my book club? Don't you realize who I am? I'm the richest woman on the face of the earth! I can buy and sell you, like your ancestors used to mine! You must be kidding me to think you can come on MY show and not bow to me like Obama does to countries that black American minorities have overcome by their significant efforts! You are no longer in charge you ignorant white trash racist overproducing God loving radical! I have more money than the Queen of England! What I say goes! Get behind me. You cannot suppress me any longer because I'm better than you, I have more money! I am the new world order! You will follow my lead from now on because we now have a black President and he's going to change the way white people think! If you don't believe me, just look how he is going to tax all you super rich oppressors for not paying out your dues to us poor hard pressed unfortunate blacks that you have been treading on for centuries!

Palin: Um, Oprah, you do realize that you are in the tax bracket that will pay the most under Obamas plan, possibly as much as 100%, don't you?

Oprah: What?

Palin: You are in the top 1% of money makers, you will pay the highest rate without exemptions.

Oprah: Why that dirty no good mulatto wanna-be! He's not even a real black man! Who does he think he is? Doesn't he know who I am? I'm OPRAH!......

ed. There was more that Oprah had to say but personal decorum prevents me from reprinting it here. This has been an exclusive article for Slideshow Mirrors from Eric.

A previous interview by Eric with Russian President Andre Medvedev for Radioactive Liberty is available here.

Hello From Florida:

2010-03-03T06:18:00.000-08:00

Hello Sideshow Mirrors. Les James in all his eminent wisdom has offered me an opportunity to speak here on this little corner of the world. His being a humorist I'm not sure if that is good or not.

My name is Eric. Yes it's just Eric. What I can't have just one name? Elvis did, Sade does, Madonna does, well Madonna does it all, but that's off the subject. So it's just Eric. I have guest posts at Radioactive Liberty, here and here.

I'm in Florida, and on this day in 1845 Florida became a State. Being in Florida I am constantly reminded that I live in the 8th Congressional District. If you aren't in Florida, and possibly even if you are, you won't be aware of the fact that the 8th is the district currently being represented by Congressman Alan Grayson. Yes THAT Alan Grayson. Don't start blaming me, I didn't vote for him. So I can say without reprieve that my Congressman stinks. I ran accross a picture the other day that sums him up to me entirely. In the mean time I found a quote from one of our founders... Mr. John Adams:

"One useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, three or more is a Congress."

Well that's it for now, there should be more to come, if Les doesn't cut me off.

Ed Begley Jr: Life Without Ed - or Ed, Without Life

2010-01-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

News you might like to see...

Ed Begley Jr. (Actor; Environmentalist) died last week in a local hospital after a brawl with a redneck over the benefits of Horse Shit.

Apparently, the Redneck -so enraged over Ed’s position to swallow- the Redneck broke Mr. Begley’s beak

Doctors at Santa Monica Rhinoplasty worked feverishly to repair Mr. Begley nose. “Everything was going fine until Ed woke up from the anesthesia.” Dr. Tom said. “We had placed tubes in his nose that went down his throat hooked to a breathing machine.

When Ed came too, he looked around slowly at all the lights and then at the machines we had him attached to and yelled "IS ALL OF THIS NECESSARY?" He reached out and grabbed a hand full of electric plugs and pulled them out of their sockets. This, cut off his air supply.” Dr. Tom explained.

Dr. Tom and three nurses tried to wrestle away the plugs but to no avail. Mr. Begley succumbed to suffocation before they were able to plug him back it.

An un-named nurse was overheard saying: “By the time he got here, the swelling was very bad. Plus there was a lot brown foreign material lodged his nasal cavities. It kinda smelled like horse shit. Maybe we could have saved him if we just got him here sooner. But he insisted on waiting for an electric ambulance to take him to the Emergency Room, only three blocks away.”

“He was a very stubborn man and he stuck to his convictions, right to the end.” Rachelle Begley, Ed’s wife, said.

Services are not yet scheduled.

---UPDATE---

It seems that Ms. Begley is having some trouble finding a final resting place for her beloved Ed.

“At first I thought I would just bury him in the back yard. Ya know? Great worm food and No fuss - No muss. But, I soon found out after digging the hole in the yard and one of my fascist right-wing neighbors called the cops. They told me that it was completely illegal.

My Second Idea was the mountains. Ed loved the mountains. So I called The Sierra Club, and asked about a local mountain top where I could take Ed’s body, chopped it into tiny pieces and let the birds carry him away. It would be beautiful, wouldn’t it? Well, my ‘Good Friends’ at the EPA threatened me with huge fines and jail time for polluting the environment! PETA threatened to turn me in for feeding human waste to wildlife. Some friends, huh?

Next, I figured a nice Burial-At-Sea would be cool. Ed really didn’t like the sea but what the hell, he’s dead and I’m running out of ideas.” “Fish need to eat too, Damn it” Exclaimed Ms. Begley.

---UPDATE---

At the time of this writing Ed Begley Jr’s body still lies in the Los Angeles County Morgue - forgotten.

He will be most likely cremated, polluting LA’s air even more and his ashes dumped in a local landfill.

All at the taxpayers’ expense.

Rachelle Carson (Begley) has been spotted recently around Hollywood with an unnamed Baldwin brother.

Is Harry Reid a Racist?

2010-01-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

Harry Reid is a Racist?

In a new book called “Game Change”, -written Time and New York magazines reporters- something truly alarming was brought to light about Harry Reid. Must be pretty bad, because Reid ran out today to apologize. Seems he called Obama "light skinned" "with no Negro dialect". Apparently he made these remarks in private, during the 2008 presidential campaign. That's bad, isn't it?

“I deeply regret using such a poor choice of words,” said Reid in a statement. “I sincerely apologize for offending any and all Americans, especially African Americans for my improper comments.”

If I said that, I'd be labeled a racist. Then again, I'm not a liberal. To prove my point, was then Senator Biden called a racist for saying about Barack, “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” he said. “I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

Yeah man, storybook. Biden didn't get called out either, in fact he got promoted. I rest my case.

Obama, "The buck stops with me"... again

2010-01-07T19:14:00.000-08:00

"The buck stops with me." Now where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, March 18, 2009. That time it was about AIG executive bonuses.

Did the buck stop there? I don't think so. They just kept on a flowin'. So what makes us believe President Barack Hussein Obama means what he says now?

A few days before that he said, "The buck stops with me." This time it was in a press conference about the financial crisis. That's worked out well.

He told us, at least eight different times during his campaign, he would have the health care debate on CSPAN. See what I mean? Can't trust him as far as we can throw him. Although I'm willing to try.

Today the Chosen One stated, “The buck stops with me" when it comes to all that man-made disaster stuff and lone wolf guys with phallic shaped bombs in their panties. He also said something about accountability and being more interested in learning lessons then in blaming anyone, blah, blah, blah...

The buck stops... well maybe if it's buck shot. No, I didn't write that. It was George Bush. Yeah, let's blame him for this one too.

Underwear Bomber is Gay

2010-01-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

So, this rich kid can't get chicks. He's a total loser, and figures the best thing he can do with his life is to off himself in a packed airliner, at Christmas. Yeah, I had a lot of friends in high school and college that felt the same way. Not.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab isn't a name you'd give a kid if you wanted him to score with women. Still, he couldn't even get action in England, and according to the Austin Powers' flicks, they're easy. What's the deal? That's simple, he's gay, just like most terrorist are gay. What else would explain him sewing a six long inch sausage-like packet of the high explosive PETN into BVD's? He liked the feel of that package next to his, and he hoped it would go off.

Next there was the liquid filled syringe. Play with it, and it ejects. Can you say Freudian? I'll bet he's going to be really popular in prison. And those disfiguring scars from the burns he sustained while trying to get his package off? Not to worry, his new friends won't be able to see 'em from behind.

Obama Won't Rest... or

2009-12-29T14:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay. I think I'm starting to get it now. I mean, it's only been what, a year? President Barack Hussein Obama is kind of confused when it comes to pronouns. When he says "I" he means you. And when he says "we" he means those guys.

So when he comes off the golf course, or tennis court, or out of the gym or, or, or... to say "We will not rest until we find all who were involved and hold them accountable." or "I promise you this: I won't rest until things get better." or "..And I will not rest until businesses are investing again and businesses are hiring again and people have work again.” or "And I won’t rest until every American who wants a job can find one." or “I will not rest until the dream of healthcare reform is achieved in the United States of America.” what he really means is, "You'd better fix this while I rest, or under the bus you go".

Come on dude, give it a rest.

The rest of Les James' posts can be found a Global Warming Hoax & Lies at Mild Max, and Radioactive Liberty

Sarah Palin Jacket : Note Found in Pocket

2009-12-23T14:26:00.000-08:00

THE AUCTION HAS ENDED

The Bid on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' Jacket has reached $57,000.00 according to radio host Laura Ingraham.

Bid on the jacket that Sarah Palin wore for the "Going Rogue" book cover. It is a one-of-a-kind item. In addition to the jacket, the winner will also receive a personalized copy of "Going Rogue" and have the opportunity to visit the studio with Laura.

All proceeds go to benefit The Wounded Warrior Project and The Fisher House

While trying on the jacket yesterday, Laura discovered a note in the right hand pocket. On further inspection it turned out to be a check list written by Sarah Palin. Sideshow Mirrors has obtained a copy of the note:

Tiger the Pooh

2009-12-22T08:10:00.000-08:00

Oprah writing new book.

2009-12-21T16:33:00.000-08:00

In a recent interview, Oprah Winfred announce her new book title: Going Bacon.

When the question was raised about the similarities between her and Sarah Palin both quitting their day jobs and writing books, it was asked if she had any political aspirations.

Oprah only said “I’m gonna kick her gun toting, bear killing, salmon fishing, skinny honky white ass all the way back to Alaska! Right after I finish this box of jelly donuts.”

There has been no response from the Palin camp…yet.

Global Warming Fix is Horse Shit

2009-12-18T21:22:00.001-08:00

Co-written by Les James and our new humorist, L Ron Jeremy. We think he's going to be big.

Obama invites a Teabagging Redneck over for a Bud. They sit in the Rose Garden at the White House.

Obama: "Thank you for excepting my invitation."

Teabagging Redneck: "If having the Secret Service break down my door at 2 AM, handcuff me and drag me here in my briefs constitutes an invitation, then your welcome."

They sip at their beers for a few minutes. Obama puts his down and reaches into his coat pocket. He pulls out a tin of Copenhagen Smokeless Tobacco and offers some to the redneck.

Obama: "Try Some. Just a pinch between your cheek and gum, and all your global warming problems melt away.”

Teabagging Redneck: “The irony of that statement wasn’t lost on me. I’ll tell you Mr. President, I’ve got about 100 Billion reasons not to do this, but in the Spirit of Détente, what the hell.” He takes a pinch and places it in his mouth. His face turns bright red.

Obama: "Good isn’t it?"

Teabagging Redneck: "Oh my fuc…!" Gagging "This taste like Horse Shit!"

Obama: "Clydesdale actually. Goes well with the beer."

Teabagging Redneck: “What!” Desperately looking for somewhere to spit it out.

Obama: “Now don’t you go ruining Michele’s roses. You going to have to swallow it.”

Teabagging Redneck: “Huh?”

Obama: “You heard me. It’s your patriotic duty. Everyone’s going to have to learn to. So, swallow it.”

Teabagging Redneck: He chokes it down. “Ahggg! I think I’m going to be sick.”

Obama: “Don’t get sick yet. You’ve got to pay tax outrageous taxes for four years before you get any Obama Care benefits.”

Teabagging Redneck: “I need a bucket or something.”

Obama: “Well, you’re not getting the one on my head.” Obama looks at the redneck with disgust. “I never should have started you off on the good shit. It’s an acquired taste you know.”

Sort of Back

2009-12-17T06:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a long while, but Sideshow Mirrors is sort of back. Let me explain. I was working a job that took up almost all my free time, and a lot of the time I did have was spent in a place with no Internet. Imagine that for a second. That's over for now.

I continued to write my weekly post at the world's number one conservative humor site, Radioactive Liberty and ignored this one. Soon changes will take place here with the addition of a second writer, who will be doing some revamping too. Should make this a better looking and more functional blog.

Talk to you soon.

I Don't Feel Funny And I Blame Obama

2009-03-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a while and this isn't really what I would have liked to write. I don't feel funny. I mean that in more of a metaphysical sense. I may physically feel funny, but my wife has the good grace not to say so, if it's true.

This seems to be going around. As I have said before, I blame it on Obama. Everything is his fault. And why not? Is this not what we heard from the left over the last eight years about Bush? Now it's their turn to hear it.

My regular post at Radioactive Liberty has been far more sarcastic than humorous lately. I'm not sure when that will change. As for this little side project, this may be the last post for a while but who knows. I may soon find inspiration.

My co-writers have jumped ship and I can understand that. I'm sure they feel the same way. I've kind of given up on the experiment of offering a space for those who would like a place to post their own brand of humor. This may be a solo effort in the near future.

Well, that's about it. I wish you well in your efforts. Talk to you later.

Government Grants Provide Political Humor

2009-02-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

by Les James

There are times that I don't have to do anything, the government is funny all by itself. Here's a great example. I found this at an official .gov site that shows you how you too can get in on some economic stimulus. This is a real description of a grant.

DARPA is soliciting innovative research proposals on the topic of a Submersible Aircraft. In particular, DARPA is interested in a feasibility study and experiments to prove out the possibility of making an aircraft that can maneuver underwater. The proposal needs to outline a conceptual design along with identifying the major technological limitations that need to be overcome in order to maneuver an aircraft underwater. In addition to the conceptual design studies, performers need to outline experiments or computational models that will be used to demonstrate that the major technological limitations can be overcome.

I'm bookmarking this site. I know there has to be a lot of gems still in there.

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Billy Mays Parody: Obama Coins That Stop Global Warming

2009-02-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

by Les James

Billy Mays is at it again. This time he's promoting Obama Coins that stop global warming. Swing by Radioactive Liberty for full details.

Do It For The Children: Illegal Aliens Go Home

2009-02-19T08:20:00.000-08:00

Another Conservative Rant by Les James

My up-bringing and twenty years in the Army have made me color blind. I really don't care about your skin pigment, the shape of your eyes, gender, sexual preference, religion, blah, blah, blah... I care about what you think about my country. That's right, MY country. Are you committed to standing up for the principles laid out by our founding fathers and the laws which govern our land or not?

If your answer is not, then I am very biased against you. I don't hate you. I don't have the energy or desire to maintain that level of destructive emotion. I just don't like you very much. That I can sustain.

Every person who has every lived on this chunk of soil, currently know as the USA, has come to this great land from some where else or has relatives who did. This was not the cradle of civilization. We are all immigrants or the off-spring of immigrants.

This were I shout out, "Illegal Aliens Go Home!"

The operative word here is ILLEGAL. That means breaking the law. That means taking jobs from Americans. Don't tell me about jobs we won't do. My son-in-law can't find work as a painter, because what jobs are out there have been infested by "people that just are trying to help their families". Yeah, and so was Bernie Madoff and Al Capone. These two examples along with "undocumented workers", and like so many of Obama's picks, didn't pay their taxes either.

I guess my son-in-law should just look for another line of work. So should American carpenters, framers, concrete workers -hell all of construction - wait staff, cooks, warehouse workers, hospitality industry employees, etc, etc, etc.

On the up side. Indications are that due to the economic down turn, a lot are heading back home. Yes, I said home. This country is not their home. They make no claim to it. These people are criminals and one or more of the following: users, tax cheats, job thieves, liars, identity frauds and a general drain on society.Oh, but who's going to pick the harvest and make our beds? This is where LEGAL immigration and properly monitored guest worker programs come in. It works. Letting people cut in front of the immigration line is wrong, by any standard.

This exodus should be cause for great rejoicing for the 20,000 or so state workers in California, who are going to be laid-off. CA pays out 5 Billion in American workers tax money, each year, to those with no business in this country. What to fix massive gaps in a state budget? Stop hurting those who paid into the system and are here as citizens or legal "green" card holders, by giving away services and money to those who are looting from us already.

Charity begins at home. This is my country, my home. Let's help our family first and stop ripping the clothes off our backs to give to those who have forced their way into our home and are stealing our livelihoods, taking our money, time and educational opportunities from our schools, destroying our medical system and bringing ILLEGAL drugs and gang violence to our streets.

Who do I blame for all of this?Society at large for allowing politicians to let it get to this point. Wake-up America, you let this happen. We are a resilient people. We can get through our current economic woes. We should begin by being proactive. Next election cycle, think before you let your emotions cast your vote.

I would go so far as to suggest that those of us who are currently unemployed, should be picketing construction sites and businesses who hire illegal aliens. Force the media to cover the fact the we, the rightful workers of this country, are standing outside, in the cold, while inside thieves are stealing food from the mouths of our kids.

To use one of the bleeding heart liberal's favorite sayings, Do it for the Children.

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The World is Deflating

2009-02-17T12:43:00.000-08:00

by Les James

The world is deflating. If this there can be little doubt. A few months ago, I could walk on solid ground. Now it seems to be getting softer, mushier.

Every day, I hear dread news of further drops in the stock market, weakening of the economy, fears of even greater reduction in jobs. Is it any wonder then, the globe itself is getting squeezy?

Crap! Even the heads of our political leaders are getting softer!

When I go outside the confines of my abode, everything seems insubstantial. I grab at what should be solid, reality, and it pushes through my fingers, melts in my hand. I have a cold feeling when I'm out in the world. It use to be pleasant, warm and inviting. Now it seems harsh and uncaring.

The colors have faded, and now there are only shades of grays and whites. Even the sky has taken on this hue, this texture of foreboding.

All of this change has occurred since Obama was elected. He has taken the blue sky, the birds and inviting, green lawns. Gone. Gone. In this winter of our discontent.

H/T to RT for this idea

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Obama Tabs Rodman at Radioactive Liberty

2009-02-16T08:13:00.000-08:00

by Les James

Dennis Rodman to head a newly created Presidential committee? Get to the seat of this controversy at my post today at Political humor and satire at Radioactive Liberty.

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Welcome to the Future of Mild Max

2009-02-15T11:34:00.000-08:00

Mild Max is a blogger community written novel about the reality of global cooling. In a world of constant snow, Max must leave the fortress of San Francisco and make his way through the wilds of an America changed by nature, bad decissions and even worst policy. Hosted by Conservative Political Humor & Satire by Radioactive Liberty, new chapters will appear each Friday. More information about how you can becomes a part of this fun on-going event, go to Mild Max.
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Happy Birthday, Mister President

2009-02-12T11:04:00.000-08:00

Obama's at it again. This time at a speech celebrating Lincoln's 200th Birthday.

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Obama Is Not My Savior

2009-02-12T07:11:00.000-08:00

by Les James

I'm in the mood to rant again.

I don't know if our country's political climate has negatively affected you, but I've haven't been feeling all that funny lately -a sorry state for a political satire writer. I blame Obama for it all. Now you might think that's a rather far reaching statement. All? Yeah, all.

OK, let's see how I got there. According to liberal doctrine, people are small, government is big. So the people can't be to blame, right? The reason the country is in it's current state of financial disaster, is that the government failed to oversee the free markets and safeguard the little people from corporate greed.

This is what I hear daily. That, and only the government can make it better.

Obama is our savior. This is something else I constantly hear from the Democrat Party, along with most news and opinion outlets. Let's except that premises for a time. Then a savior's job is to set an agenda, propose a fix, see that the fix is instituted, and one other thing. What was that? Oh, yeah. Pay for transgressions. This means not only shouldering the burden of responsibility but also being accountable and culpable.

Seems sensible to me.

But

What's Obama done? In the few days that he's been in office, he's shrugged off the responsibility and accountability aspects of the job of savior, by blaming it all on people and entities not within the government.

Obama's holding the the wrong people responsible and accountable, by stating first that while the government failed in its duties, those who did naught things when the Nanny State was sleeping on the job, are the ones at fault. The socialist mindset of the liberal elitist demands that we are wards of the State, and therefore it's children. How dare Obama blame his children for misbehaving, when his own Nanny failed to make them mind?

All right, I'll admit that the Nanny was under a different boss for a while. But the Democrats have been in charge of both houses of Congress for more than two years now. The same two years Obama was there. The President has very little actual power. He derives most of it by persuading Congress. The Republicans gave little to Bush and the Dems even less. Bush fought and lost, to the career liberal politicians and left wing, non-elected high government officials within all departments. Not that he fought all that hard or well. The Nanny was still very much in play.

Now we get to the culpability part. Borrowing against future generations, to "fix" the sins of the past, doesn't sound much like salvation to me. The very ones that could not be to blame, the tiny, almost insignificant, average adult American, their progeny and their offspring, are the ones who will pay for the transgressions, not the savior.

Obama wanted the job, so automatically he gets the responsibility. By refusing to uphold this fundamental Presidential pillar, along with other two pillars of leadership, accountability and culpability, he has already failed. Now he must take all of the blame. All? Yeah, all.

By any measure I can see, Obama is a fraud and has to be removed from savior status. He in fact, is nothing more than a high priest of an small, unholy cult, and we are the lambs, being dumbly lead to the alter. There to be sacrificed to the collectivist gods of social justice, political correctness and the good of the many. And even this is a lie. We are letting our throats be cut for the good of a very few.

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Shovel This

2009-02-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

by Mr Shizzo

The words of "hope" coming out of Washington are, "Yes, we can," and "I screwed up."

And the "stimulus" package, which in reality is the "big government programs" package, is full of "shovel-ready" initiatives. No one mentioned that "shovel-ready" meant the shoveling of cash-dung into a hole in the ground.

So, we can all rest assured that, "we can all screw up."

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Senator, Grow a Spine

2009-02-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

by Les James

No humor today. Today I rant.

I had lost all hope that I would ever see change in the one party system, we as a people, have voted into office. What a surprise when the Congressional Republicans actually stood-up, and unanimously, voted against the massive liberal feeding frenzy that is the "stimulus" package.

OK, Republican Senators, it's your turn. The vast majority (like 99%) of those who voted for you, are holding their breaths, waiting to see if you have the spines to do what is right, as opposed to what is politically expedient.

Trying to cross the aisle will only be perceived by the left as weakness, and weakness is to be ridiculed and exploited. Cliche as it may seem, it's still always better to be respected than liked. Especially when you want to be liked by people who despise you. Earn the Democrats' respect like a thief respects a home owner with a loaded gun.

Your loyalty should be to the values you told us you had when you ran for office. I could care less if my representatives like me. I want them to respect the promises they made to me.

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Obama's Vetting Process

2009-02-05T06:00:00.000-08:00

by Les James

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Equal Opportunity Senate Seats For Sale

2009-02-03T14:54:00.000-08:00

by Mr Shizzo

Senate seat for sale:
Here is the actual Senate seat occupied by Barack Obama. Notice
the fine-crafted arms, the cushion padding. This seat goes to the
highest bidder.

[Les: This seat has since sold. We may never know just what
it went for]

Senate seat for sale:
Here is the actual Senate seat occupied by Hillary Clinton. Notice the
fine-crafted arms, the cushion padding. This seat goes to anyone not
named Kennedy.

Senate seat for sale:
Here is the actual Senate seat occupied by Judd Gregg. Notice the fine-crafted arms, the cushion padding. This seat goes to a Republican only. Democrats need not apply.

Photos by z.about.com, towermedicalsystems.com, and joe-ks.com

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Stimulus Package Contains Condoms

2009-02-03T11:15:00.000-08:00

by Les James

How could I possibly add to that?

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Tom Daschle: Out, Nancy Killefer: Underachiever

2009-02-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

By Les James

President Obama's pick for the newly created position of Chief Performance Officer (sounds like something Bill would have thought up) Nancy Killefer has dropped out. The reason stated was that she has a tax lien on her home, to the tune of $946.69. Obviously she didn't have the same CPA as Richardson, Rangel, or Geithner. While this really could have been a mistake, in truth, she just didn't meet the high standards set by other picks.

Just a few minutes ago, Tom Daschle pulled out. No, not his head, it's still firmly planted. Tom Daschle has withdrawn his nomination as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Human Services... That sounds like Bill too. .

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Obama Stands By His Man

2009-02-02T11:31:00.000-08:00

by Les James

Patsy Cline plays in the background of the Oval Office as President Obama get updates on the Tom Daschle confirmation. This is the third looped CD of the classic Stand By Your Man that has recently played here. The other two wore-out during confirmations of his other cabinet picks.

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Shoebama

2009-01-26T22:25:00.000-08:00

by Mr Shizzo

The first week of the Obama administration has been a relatively quiet one. The Obama administration says it is because things are going so smoothly. However, I have found out the true reason.

A reliable source told me that Obama continuously fails the "shoe dodging" training. Obama spends hours and hours trying to pass this training in the White House. It is holding up everything else he wants to do as President.

The official Secret Service trainer in "shoe dodging" recently was quoted as saying, "Bush was my greatest student. Every shoe I ever threw at him, he was able to dodge. And all our work paid off in Iraq a couple of weeks ago. He was amazing. But, this new guy can't dodge any shoe. Every time I throw a shoe at him, it nails him in the face. One time, I wasn't even aiming at him and it managed to hit his nose."

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Fixing the Economy: Buy Me a Puppy

2009-01-25T08:28:00.000-08:00

by Les James

The government knows full well that recessions, if left alone, historically, tend to reverse after about twenty-four months. Since we went into this one about thirteen months ago, we only have to wait out another eleven, before it will being to right itself.

But all of this "economic stimulus" isn't about recovery, it's about control. In the long term, the greater the people are in debt to the state, the greater power the state has over We The People.

With one sixth, of the Obama's proposed 825 Billion economic stimulus package, going to schools, with the idea that it will make people feel better about being poor and unemployed, by allowing them to go to college instead or letting their kids sit in a better looking classroom, it stands to reason that buying unhappy people pets will have much the same effect. Now that was a very long sentence to describe a simple principle -our government is now focused on keeping us sedated.

I know I'll feel better after the Obama brats get their new dog, and I can only imaging my own joy at have a tail wagging, bundle of furry fun running around my house. Just think, if Obama will just give all of us doggies of our own, we'll be too busy to worry about how we're going to pay for all of the economically crippling programs and give-aways that are squandering away our grandchild's futures.

But we shouldn't get just any dog. No way. Every household should receive a very large bred pooch. They're so cute when their small! We'll be so engrossed in playing with our new best friends, that we won't even notice their rapid growth or the increase in how much of our incomes they'll be eating.

And since it will be illegal to try to restrain them or stop any further increase in their now over-bloated, lard filled, Biggest Loser, fat asses, that they'll just crap all over the place, chew up the furniture and raid the pantry, on top of our bank accounts. We'll just let them, in an attempt to keep them happy, because of all the good, loving intentions, they were suppose to deliver.

In the end, we'll discover that this short term solution to our unhappiness, has had very long term down-side effects. Eventually, all we'll be left with is a very large, fat, unruly, ungrateful, junk yard dog, that will bite the hand that feeds it.

Maybe I don't want a free puppy after all.

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Obama Sworn-in By Chief Justice Roberts

2009-01-23T15:14:00.000-08:00

HT FrankJ at IMAO

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Rock Star!

2009-01-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

You don't have to watch every single band play, every musician sing, and every Obama supporting celebrity in the audience smile on TV to get the essence of inauguration day. I just got back from another dimension and the 44th President was just sworn to office. Essentially, it was the same as ours, so I can give you the highlights and you can save yourself hours and hours of inaugural Obama TV watching. Basically, I can save you from a case of inaugural Obama burnout.

In the other dimension, the 44th President was a guy as popular as any rock 'n' roll star in history. Large crowds came to see him for every public appearance. On inauguration day, he was the final act after a huge list of other entertainment stars.

Except in this dimension, the 44th President did not pretend he was actually a politician. Everyone knew he was really just a rock star celebrity and that he was the final act. He said that the White House would be a staging ground for Woodstock III starting right after inauguration. And he said every pillar in the foundation of the White House was going to be filled up with an endless supply of soy milk for anyone to drink at any time.

He called himself the King and when his act finally came on, he sang, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! go! go!! Hey pretty mama!! I hope you'll like our show. I'll be singing this act for the next four years.

Don't change that channel. I'm hot. I'm just a rock star!"

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Inaugration Coverage

2009-01-20T08:08:00.000-08:00

Today I'll be sitting in my bathrobe and covering the inauguration of our next liberal President. So if you're at all interested -and I can't imagine why you would be- head over to Radioactive Liberty and make a few snide comments.

Here, later today , Mr Shizzo will have a post-inaugration piece to share with you.Don't miss it.

Martin Luther King Day Post At Radioactive Liberty

2009-01-19T11:39:00.000-08:00

What's all the fuss about? On the eve of the crowning of King Obama, I reflect darkly on the another King.

Buy American, Maybe

2009-01-16T13:00:00.000-08:00

Today it came out that Obama the Green sold his Chrysler 300 on Ebay and bought a hybrid during the recent campaign. The estimated 17 MPG, gas guzzler just wasn't the right image for the newly eco-concerned Senator. This is the same model of car, that about four years ago, then Presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry said he was driving. Kerry said he owned it because it was made in America. Trouble with that is, it's really made at a Chrysler plant in Brampton, Ontario, Canada.

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Jurisprudence

2009-01-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

by Matt Kolbet

Enter Carla Jenkins. She looks fifty but might be older. The courtroom is crowded, though her case is prompted primarily by personal loss. "Bill was such a good man," she whispers as she lets the door close behind her. Perhaps she is reassuring herself. Perhaps she knows people are listening, and that her every word, her stooped shoulders, her slow gait as she walks to the front of the room and sits down, will be reported on the evening news.

Her attorney smiles at her, his own brand of creepy reassurance. He has grandstanded outside the courthouse. His rallying cry makes the front page: "We don't tolerate bullies!"

Carla waits for the proceedings to begin. She has not always been comfortable with the laws of the land, but for the last fifteen years she has lived in Tallahassee, Florida. In Florida, Carla believes, people understand justice. And her thoughts, "When the rest of the world lets you down, you look for justice in the courts, the last place anyone can find it," channeled through her lawyer, have made fellow Floridians proud.

The opening statement is brief. Carla's attorney makes an appeal to the masses. "It is not merely the elderly that suffer. The husband of this fine woman, Bill Jenkins, was a victim, but children too are victims here, and all of them innocent." He pauses, then repeats, knowing it will grab headlines, "And believe me, cancer is a bully."

Brent Goldwin serves as the defense attorney, though his capacity is largely unofficial, and he does not expect to be paid. "No one wants to defend cancer," he says. "It's terrible. But under the law, even a disease has rights, and our courts have more important issues to deal with. I am sorry for Mrs. Jenkins' loss. But suing cancer for wrongful death is like suing obesity because you're fat." This last remark prompts jeers from the audience and the presiding judge has to bang his gavel. The fat people, those who have put forth the effort to rise, sit down sullenly. The rest glare over their double chins.

At the end of the first day, Carla is not dismayed. Traditional treatments such as chemotherapy and prayer have failed, but she knows that the courts can bring cancer down. She knows it is the only way to win when medicine proves ineffectual and God follows suit.

And her attorney will present more damning evidence, she thinks, to turn the medical world on its ear. Yes, the only thing that's necessary is to paint cancer as un-American.

As she walks through the glare of flashbulbs that temporary blind her with fame, Carla begins to make other plans. If these first efforts falter, she will bring other suits. First against chicken pox, then diphtheria, and finally, she believes, against atheism.

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Back In My Day...

2009-01-15T06:30:00.000-08:00

by Mr Shizzo

I have been around a long time so I know a lot of things that our youth today know so little about. I asked them what a Depression is. They said, "Depression? I totally feel your vibe there. I've been feeling that way a lot. I've been feeling depressed my whole life, so we totally connect on this one, man."
And when I mentioned "Recession," many youngsters asked, "What's that? Does that have something to do with my hair loss?"

The young generation is clueless. So I decided that I would give the youngsters a quick run-down on how much things have changed since my day:

Back in my day, gas cost $4.60/gallon.
Back in my day, the Dow was at 14,000
Back in my day, every President was Caucasian and male.
Back in my day, you could do whatever you wanted without government regulation.

To this, they replied, "Wow! You sure have lived a long time. And you look so young, still. What's your secret?"

I replied, "I stopped watching the television show, Heroes, so I was getting to bed earlier."

"That's all it took?"

"Yes."

"I didn't realize Heroes was on the air that long? How long have you been around?"

"Three months."

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Being Kind Of Creepy, Part Two

2009-01-14T06:30:00.000-08:00

by Les James

A guide to getting a little revenge on inconsiderate bastards

Last week I gave you a little peak inside the dark basement of my soul. Today I’ve got three more examples of what you can do, if you want to exact a little well deserved payback from some of those inconsiderate sons of bitches that populate our highways and byways.

I'm just going to assume that most of you don’t have your night vision goggles on, so hang on to someone who does and let’s head back down those rickety stairs.

I guess I'll have to describe what happened. It's a lot better if you could see it for yourself but did you bring your goggles? Noooo. Fine, let's get this thing started.

As usual, I was minding my own business, driving home along highway 95. In my rear view mirror, I can see this guy in a pick-up swerving around traffic trying to get one car closer to heaven.

Suddenly, he’s riding on my ass so close that I can’t even see the grill of his truck. He’s swerves back and forth between the single lane along our side of the highway and the on-coming lane. We reach a construction zone where a new interchange is going in. It’s clearing marked as 35 MPH through this constricted area. Workmen in vehicles are close to the edge of the lanes and several on foot are milling about looking busy.

This idiot decides to pass in the midst of all that congestion. Before I even realize what he’s up to, he’s side by side with me. I do the quick mental math and see that there is no way he can make it. Then I hit my horn –in case for some reason he has no earthly idea what’s about to happen.

I lock up my breaks as do the shocked people in the on coming lane. Vehicles skidding, trying to avoid head-on collisions, rear-ending the poor folks in front of them or killing one or more of the construction crew.

The m-fing simpleton driving the truck manages to just make back into the proper lane, almost taking me out as he does. I almost end up running off the road. Then with my heart racing, I take an assessment of the situation. Let’s see, I’m still driving, no one around me seem to have hit anything or any one and the guy in the truck (now in front of me) is flipping me off. Everything is fine.

The guy in the truck is what? Yeap, he’s waving that single digit in the air and looking in his rear view mirror at me. I control the urge to floor my truck and push his ass off the highway.

Instead, I drop back to a safe distance and follow him. I pass my turn-off and keep my distance. I follow him for another five miles and he turns off the highway. I continue to follow him for another three miles of residential dirt roads, until he turns into his gravel driveway.

I pull over to the side of the road, across from his house, and roll down my window. I want this one to see my face. He knows I’ve been following him and now he gets out of his truck very slowly and looks at me without trying to seem like he’s looking at me.

As he walks up to his front door, I extend my arm out the window and point at him, like the grim reaper. He knows that I know where he lives.

A few months later, a taxi for wheelchair bound passengers–with occupants- gets pissed off at me for not turning left into traffic that are ignoring their red light. The taxi driver flashes his lights and honks his horn at me. I get a chance to turn left and as I do so, this guy flies around me and cuts me off. Of course, you guessed it- he flips me off. What’s with these people?

And, of course, you guessed my response, I followed him. It was a bit tough as he insisted on blowing through red lights and passing everyone he could. But this town doesn’t allow for too much of that, with it's mostly, two lane roads, a few stoplights and a bunch of stop signs. I was able to keep him in view, and even while obeying the law, caught up to him.

He knew I was back there alright but when he arrived at a medical center, I parked a ways away from him and his wheelchair bound passengers. This time I had something else in mind.

I waited until he was through getting his charges out of the van then I opened up my cell phone. He could see what I was doing, I made sure of that.

It’s pretty stupid to drive in a reckless manner and flip-off folks when you’re in a van with a vehicle number, a company name and a great big, company phone number lettered, ever so neatly, on the sides, back and front. Yes, I did. I called the company and then I waved to him and drove off.

But my all time favorite was the warm spring day when a guy in a yellow Mustang came screaming out of a parking lot, narrowly avoiding several cars as he crossed both of their lanes and headed right towards me on the far side of the road. I hit the breaks as he cut in front of me and somehow managed to make it into the right hand lane, just as the light ahead of us changed.

Oh, I forgot to mention the finger. I’ve still got my foot on the break, both hand on the wheel and he has the ability to whip out his middle finger to me as he passes by. I just don’t get it. It there a sign on my cars I don’t know about?

As I said, it was a warm spring day and a lot of people had their windows down. This particular traffic light is rather long, so I knew I had plenty of time. The yellow Mustang was now stopped right next to me in the other lane.

I get out of my car and look at him, smiling. This draws a lot of attention from the other drivers who have also just been involved with this selfish idiot's antics.

I yell over to him. “Hey, were you just asking me if I’d like to have sex with you?” His head snaps around to my direction as does many other heads in the other cars. Then I said, “While I’m very flattered you would ask, I not really that kind of guy and I don’t think my wife would approve.”

Laughter erupts from all around. The moron slides down in his seat. Lesson learned…maybe.

So what did you get from all of this? Other than a lot of people seem to like to flip me off. I’m hoping you have seen that there are ways to deal with this type of slime-trail leaving, highway vermin, that does result in violence and jail time.

Maybe you now feel empowered to have a little fun at the expense of those who have endangered your life or have just made it a little uncomfortable. Remember, practice makes perfect and we all want to be perfect.

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Dissed At Radioactive Liberty

2009-01-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

by Les James

I got bumped off of my regular day at Radioactive Liberty. Things got a little heated on the Sunday Stupid Argument and so, I got left out. I've emailed Fiar but haven't heard back yet. I'll keep you informed as to what's going on.

Paris Gives Sketchy Information

2009-01-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

by Mister Know-it-all

The 27-year-old heiress to the Hilton Hotel fortune cooperated with police in order to render composite drawings of males "with a specific knowledge" of the woman's boudoir. Several LAPD artists were seen leaving Ms. Hilton's mansion after initial drawings were started and a spokeswoman for the department confirmed a nation-wide call for more composite artists is in effect to complete the project. Ms. Hilton expressed remorse when told that Alberto Vargas was unavailable due to his 1982 death.

The creator of several perfumes, including "One Night In Paris", offered a "substantial reward" to "any hot guys" for information leading to the capture or "restraint" of suspects in this case.

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A Very Brief Review of Christmas Gifts

2009-01-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

by Matt Kolbet

A sign at the mall suggests I give the ultimate gift, which it turns out, is style. Note to self: Tell my wife it’s not love, my son it’s not life, and the poor and destitute that it’s not hope.

Most end-of-the-year reviews discuss the best-selling gifts of the preceding season. I’m not talking about Tickle Me Elmo or Guitar Hero for Monkeys, though they have had their day. Instead, I’d like to review two gifts that won’t be flying off any shelves soon, unless the customer has hidden their Walmart Guide to Not Getting Trampled behind them for safekeeping.

This Year’s Worst-Selling Christmas Gifts:

The George W. Bush Transformer! The figurine, whose catch-phrases include “Go ‘Merica!” “Nucular!” and “Mission Accomplished!” transforms to become a duck with one bad wing. Kids will love pretending to fly him around in circles.

It’s Terrorist Qasim! Kids will be queuing up to get the latest in a line of action figures manufactured especially for enemies. Qasim comes with machete and AK47, as well as strap-on bomb. He’s prepared for any intifada. Made in China and dipped three times in lead paint, there’s no beating Qasim. If there’s a bully in your life, this is the way to spread hate and anger over the holiday season. Qasim’s toxicity means he is truly the gift that keeps on giving, like having your own dirty bomb. Buy one today! Has-Been Toys©, makers of Little Abdul’s Jihad-in-a-Box.

As America takes a break from consumerism and looks ahead to February and the kind of love developed in a laboratory by Hallmark and See’s Candies, try to keep in mind a simple caveat for that next round of gift giving, whether it’s birthdays, anniversaries or arbor day: no matter how bad the gift is, give it with style and everything will work out for the best. Go ahead and plant a seed that no one wants to grow, but do it coolly. I learned that at the mall

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Mocking The Senate Swearing-in

2009-01-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

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Being Kind Of Creepy

2009-01-07T06:30:00.000-08:00

by Les James

A Guide to Getting a Little Revenge on Inconsiderate Bastards.

Today I want to delve into the darker side of my otherwise bright and shiny, model citizen, life. I won’t be shedding any illumination on this rather seedy underbelly of my soul; instead you’ll need to put on your night vision goggles. These things don’t hold-up well under the light of day.

Hey, careful you don’t confuse the night vision goggles with the beer goggles you were wearing last Saturday night. Whoa, was Sunday morning something you’d like to forget or what? Try to push past that. I’ve got some things to show you.

Got ‘em on? Good. Mind you, watch where you step. I’ve tossed a lot nasty things down these rickety stairs over the years. Stay close to the wall, there’s no handrail. Not too close though. No telling what might be stuck to it.

Ah, here we are. Feel free to pull up a discarded…ah… on second thought; you might just want to stand.

Look over there. See where I’m pointing? What do you think? Pretty good, huh? In a twisted sort of way.

What? Oh…OK, I see. For those of you who foolishly tagged along without your goggles, I describe it to you.

First, I’ll let you know that the incidents I’m going to portray all involved driving. Funny how that seems to be such a common thread but I’m sure you can relate. There are closet arrogant, stupid, inconsiderate people everywhere but those less than stellar character traits seem to jump right out and into the driver’s seat, as it were, when they get behind the wheel of an automobile, SUV or pick-up truck. Oh, and bicyclist, don’t forget those SOBs! We’ll leave them for another day.

Picture this:

I’m minding my own business, driving down a busy main street, in a town in central Oregon. Suddenly from across that street, three teenaged girls dash into traffic. Brakes squeal as people try to avoid hitting these three morons and the other driver’s cars.

As they run past my skidding truck, one of them flips me off. I’m in the outside lane and as they now trot into an alley, giggling, I turn in behind them and slowly start to follow.

Stupidity is one thing but flipping me the bird while being stupid takes this to a whole new level. I love to teach and it’s lesson time!

The alley is about 200 feet long and I can see that they are rather nervous as I creep behind, slowly following them. Good. At the first opportunity, they cut left into a parking lot. I continue to drive up to where they turned and stop.

My dark tinted side window remains up. All they can see is a shadow form, staring at them. Now I can see they’re a scared. Fantastic! As George Bush would say, “Mission Accomplished”. I drive off, laughing.

What brought me to this place? It’s simple. I’ve gotten sick and tired of this type of crap going unanswered. Then one day, after being the victim of yet another idiot's thoughtless machinations (which is a task only a truly inconsiderate bastard can accomplish) I had a vision. I felt compelled, no inspired, to do something about this type of behavior, if only for my own sanity.

The following story is an example of what I use to do, before my epiphany.

A few years ago I’d just finished building a new flat bed trailer for my whitewater raft. My dad was kind enough to lend hand with this project and I was heading home from his shop, where the construction had taken place.

A large, expensive SUV pulls in behind me on a narrow, downtown street, clipping the trailer. It then turns right, at the next street. The blocks are very short and not believing what has just happened, I turn and backtrack. I find the SUV and follow. I blink my lights, hit the horn and wave to pull over, from my open window. Nothing.

After a couple of miles the SUV does pull over, apparently at its destination. Out steps a well-dressed woman. I jump out of my vehicle and yell something clever like “HEY!”

She turns and regards me with a look that says that I’m wasting her time. Livid but under control, I explain to her what she did, the hit and run nature of her actions and her response to me? She looks at the mangled trailer and says, “It’s not that bad, I’m sure you can fix it.”

Ready to burst, I contemplate my options. I’m about to do something rash and decide it’s best just to leave. As I start to walk away I mutter something a friend of mine use to say, “You just can’t have nice things.”

“Yes you can”, she says. “I have a Cadillac Escalade.”

AARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

See? It’s purely a matter of inconsideration of others. These bastards need to have someone out there, ready to take them to task. It’s a calling and I’m prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to help society at large.

Next week, I’ll bring you more examples of slightly creepy revenge and give you a few tips on how you can make the streets safer, while giving yourself a much deserved, warm and fuzzy sense of personal satisfaction.

Hey, we all got to do what we can.

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The Fonzi Scheme

2009-01-06T06:30:00.000-08:00

Many people have asked, "What is a Ponzi scheme? How can anyone trick so many people and get all that money?"
Well, most explanations are very unsatisfactory. So, I decided to explain it myself:

Basically, the best way to explain it is to rename the Ponzi scheme, the Fonzi scheme. For those who don't know him. Here is a crash course. The television show was Happy Days. The era was Happy Days(the 50's). And the man was Fonzi! He's so cool How does he get all the girls? It's because he wears a black leather jacket, rides a motorcycle, has cigarettes rolled up his sleeve, and acts popular among high schoolers even though he is 25 years old. Maybe, if I act like Fonzi, I'll get all those girls, too.

Now, imagine Mr. Ponzi. He's so cool, he wears a black tuxedo to all the rich parties. How did he get so rich? What does he know about the market that I don't know? Oh, look. He is smoking such a fine cigar. And all the rich people and beautiful women follow him around. Maybe, if I give him a ton of my money, I can be like him, too. Gosh, this feels just like being in high school again.

And whatever happened to the good old days when the SEC was catching good wholesome people like Martha Stewart?

Fonzi photo -imageevent.com

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The French Are Hippies

2009-01-05T08:24:00.000-08:00

Fiar at Radioactive Liberty wants yet another pet hippie to punch. My post today over there shows why the French = hippies.

Fixing the Economy: Get Out Of My Undies

2009-01-01T06:20:00.000-08:00

This post may be the first in a series of informative articles that could bring America back from the edge of economic collapse. I don't actually expect the incoming administration to pay any attention to my advice, still I consider it my patriotic duty to inform those who are willing to listen, if I don't get bored with it all first. 

Right up until Christmas Day, I heard a completely and utterly annoying amount of designer underwear commercials. OK to be fair one -for me anyway- is annoying but the onslaught of one very fifteen minutes or so, took it into the realm of completely and utterly.

It seems that every designer known to mankind has now decided to get as up close and personal as they can with the panties,bras, briefs and boxer wearing crowd as possible.

For a woman, I don't suppose it's all that terrible to have a man's name on their lingerie. But why in hell's name do I, as a man -yes I checked- what some other guy's name on the waistband of my shorts? To top it off, this designer guy is either flaming or questionable at best.

Now understand, I'm not homophobic. I have no fear of homos. I just don't want my midsection to become a billboard for males that I don't have any desire to ever have that close to my privates. Matter of fact, I don't want ANY guy that close.

I only dated women. I'm happily married to a woman. Even my primary heath care provider is a woman. OK, maybe I am a little homophobic.

Still, Sears and K-Mart have always served real men well enough in the past. Walmart now has a handle on that segment. But they're all missing one of the greatest opportunities ever for zeroing in on the true desires of the men's butt crack and family jewels, first line of coverage, target market.

Consider what would happen if the Victoria's Secret models started doing commercials for designer boxers and what if they had the name of some sexy starlet like Scarlet Johanson, for example, embroidered across the fly?

I tell you what would happen. For the first time in history, married men would be buying their own under shorts, that's what!

Get the men out of your underwear and get yourself into hers. See, I even came up with a winning ad slogan!

I'm thinking Jennifer Aniston for the tighty whitie crowd. Sultry in a wholesome way, I bet she could even talk the Pope into endorse her brand.

At least half a dozen other babes pop-up for consideration to lend their names those ball hugging, thong-type, torture devices that are supposed to drive women wild.

The truth is, like most of those naught little nighties and lacy black items with lots of extra straps and fasteners, designed for the women's market, most men would just be a nightmare strutting around in one of those slings. Still, watching the commercials filled with Playboy Bunny wannabes would be fun.

The mark-up on designer crap is way out of line but these would sell like porn. Within weeks, the men's clothing industry could be on a firm... footing again.

Wake-up you Madison Avenue marketing guys. Sales are down because men are. Sex sells. Get out of Tommy Hilfiger's closet and jump on some of the those hot women. They'll get your sales pointed in the right direction.

[Note: an avowed heterosexual and a gun totting, self-proclaimed, Real Man, Les makes no apologies for the sexist tone of this or any other post]

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Conceiving The New Year

2008-12-31T06:23:00.000-08:00

Humor writers wanted. A major part of the design of Sideshow Mirrors is to be a place where humor writers can submit their works. It's often difficult for a writer to find a place that will even consider publishing their labor. This blog will not publish everything you submit but, if it's original humor (and funny), you got a pretty good shot.

Today we are happy to bring you Matt Kolbet. He teaches and writes near Portland, Oregon. His work, often darkly humorous, has appeared in The American Drivel Review and online at Defenestration. It's very possible you will see him here again. We hope so.

Happy New Year

by Matt Kolbet

When the new year rolls around, the media looks for signs that things will be different (translation: not as shitty after a night of heavy drinking), and begins by celebrating the first baby born in the new year as a symbol of hope. This practice, however, overlooks the possibility of another meaningless statistic: the first baby conceived in the new year.

Instead of toasting friends and family, signing auld lang syne off key, or popping fresh bottles of champagne at the stroke of midnight, participants need to have achieved full penetration and be ready to orgasm when the bells chime.

As a new tradition, the practice will appeal to multiple social strata, from the aging strangers who came to the party because they had “nothing better to do,” to the enthusiastic married couple who, after four years of trying to have a baby, are ready to try numerology and astrology in addition to counting the days from her last period, to the teenager girl who lives next door and simply got carried away after a triple-dog dare from her friends.

Moreover, this new movement can be used as an ad campaign for Right-to-Life groups, reiterating that life begins as conception, which, if you think about it, is what New Year’s Eve (and the accompanying morning-after resolutions) is all about.

Image: Les James

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Czar Inc.

2008-12-30T06:30:00.000-08:00

If history repeats itself, then what follows a Czar...is Communism.
Luckily, we have averted that road by not creating a Car Czar. However, when I took a look at the Sideshow Mirrors Looking Glass, I saw the future we avoided. Let me show you what I saw:

One month after the Car Czar was created, the Car Czar was offered a luxury car from each of the automakers. The auto makers believed, "If the Car Czar drives our car, it means he favors our company." At first, the Car Czar tried to be fair. He decided to drive a car with the exterior of a Cadillac, the engine of a Ford, and the interior design of a Chrysler.

A couple of years later in 2010, the Car Czar got tired of regulating three companies and made some widespread decisions. The Car Czar decided to combine all three companies, merge the management, and make himself in charge of the government's new car company, which he renamed, "Czar Car."

Six months later, the first "Czar Car" rolled off the assembly line. People lined up to buy it because it was the only car people were allowed to buy.

Two years later in 2012, the Food Czar decided to merge all food companies into one company renamed, "Czar Foods."

A month later, the Gas Czar, the Technology Czar, the Education Czar, the Energy Czar, the Financial Czar, the Airline Czar, the Food Czar, the Military Czar, and Car Czar decided to merge together under one products and services company called, "Czar Incorporated."

Thanks to all the necessary government regulations and jobs programs overseen by the many Czar's after the recession of 2009, the country successfully reached its full potential. People all had jobs and were heavily regulated. It was only a year later that the Czar's decided to change the Constitution with a new amendment. This amendment stated, "Replace the Constitution with Communism". For specific details, dial Old Mother Russia using the dusty red dial-up phone now located in the storage closet in the southern wing of the White House."

Image by Mr Shizzo

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Obama Bombs America At Radioactive Liberty

2008-12-29T11:10:00.000-08:00

How far will Obama go to f-up our economy? Find out in my latest post, as Obama drops the F Bomb at Radioactive Liberty.

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Army Stories: The Miracle Of The Waiting Room

2008-12-24T10:19:00.000-08:00

My last duty station before retiring from the Army was at the beautiful National Training Center, Fort Irwin, CA. How could you not enjoy the dust, blistering heat and extreme cold of a place located at the southern end of Death Valley?

NTC is the world’s most modern, high-tech, force-on-force, training facility in the world. Each year dozens of battalions pit their skills against the Red Army, and every year the realistic training produces causalities of every size, shape and description.

As the Non-Commissioned Officer In Charge of the Emergency Department at the post hospital, I saw my fair share. It was here that I met Sgt Bilko. We shared many a fun-filled day treating the victims of tragic accidents as well as those of blatant stupidly.

One of the best examples of wanton dumbass, was the call we got one night from a tanker crew. They were desperately asking for advice on how to treat a patient who was being non-compliant with their attempt at CPR. Apparently those who are breathing and have a heartbeat become combative when that procedure is forced upon them. Who knew?

Along with the troops training “out in the box”, we served as the medical facility for those soldiers stationed at NTC as well as their dependents. It’s to these patients that the Miracle of the Waiting Room manifested itself.

Triage is a funny thing in that while it sorts those with the greatest need from those who are looking for an excuse not to go to work, it also seems to serve as a catalyst for divine intervention. This combined with the thermostat being set a little too high where the patients hangout prior to treatment, may have contributed to sparking a reaction that even faith healers would find amazing.

As a cold winter’s night around Christmas would wear-on and the stuffiness of that waiting room increased, people who came in complaining of migraine headaches, sever backaches, gastric problems and all but useless limbs, would miraculously stand up and declare themselves healed. My amazed staff at the front desk would ask the patient if they were sure they were all right and sign them out.

After all, who were we to stand in the way of a Christmas Miracle?

Merry Christmas from the cast and crew of Sideshow Mirrors

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Obama Team Clears Itself

2008-12-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

In news today that broke like the wind, Greg Craig, the incoming White House attorney, -according to the La Times blog- found that the "Obama Team probe of the Obama Team finds no Obama Team impropriety." This in reference to contact with Gov Blagojevich, concerning alleged quid pro qou dealings for Obama's vacant Senate seat. This should end all speculation.

In related news, an attorney for alleged Ponsi Scheme mastermind, Bernie Madoff found that the Madoff Team probe of the Madoff Team finds no Madoff Team impropriety. There is probability no crime here as few if any poor, gay or minority investors were scammed. As the Huffington Post put it, the victims were "a largely Jewish clientele across the eastern United States and a number of wealthy WASPS."

Sorry Snig, more Obama news.

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W. Welcomes B.O.

2008-12-23T07:45:00.000-08:00

BUSH: Welcome, Barack. Let me show you around the White House.

OBAMA: Thank you, George.

BUSH: As you can see on this wall, I have a picture of my favorite fishing catch. That there fish is as heavy as I am...now.

OBAMA: Good thing the photo and frame are lighter. It will be easier to take down.

BUSH: I really think it looks nice on that wall. You might consider keeping it up. That is a valuable White House memory for me.

OBAMA: Sorry, George. But, I plan to put up a Nike Air Jordan poster right there.

BUSH: Are you sure, Barack? Some day, you will be moving out of here, too. And you might be asking the next person for a small, but personally meaningful favor.

OBAMA: No, George. By the way, I promised I would measure the curtains for Michelle. [Obama pulls out a tape measure.] Do you mind?

BUSH: Uh. Okay, go ahead.

OBAMA: You probably know that I'll be getting rid of the bowling alley, too.

BUSH: What? That bowling alley has been here since Richard Nixon.

OBAMA: Sorry again, George. No disrespect to Dick. But, we don't need any blue-collar sports in the White House, if you know what I mean.

BUSH: What are you going to replace the bowling alley with?

OBAMA: An in-door basketball court. Personally, I want to make it a parquet basketball floor. I will be assembling the best basketball playing cabinet in history. In fact, we just had ball-handling drills for the tryouts for Secretary of Education.

BUSH: I think you are making a mistake.

OBAMA: And when other nations do not agree with us, we will just settle it on the court like civilized people. [Obama points to the far room] George, what's in there?

BUSH: Oh, that's an extra bedroom. Why?

OBAMA: I have something special planned for that room.

BUSH: Oh? What are you thinking of? You can tell me.

OBAMA: Okay. But, you can't tell anyone else.

BUSH: Sure. You know you can trust me, Barack.

OBAMA: Yeah, you seem like a guy I can trust. [Obama looks around to see if anyone is within listening distance. He whispers] I'm going to light up and use the room as a smoking room. But don't worry, I'm also going to plant a tree in that room and do some tree hugging in there, too.

BUSH: Your secret is safe with me, Barack!

OBAMA: You know, George. Now that we are buddies. In all honesty, I would trade all this Presidency stuff for just one chance at knowing what it is like to dunk the basketball.

BUSH: I can understand how you feel about dunking the ball. I know all about that jive and duke stuff. But, I think it is just very short minded and ethnocentric of you to not understand the euphoria of making a big catch out in the high seas. All you do while dunking is stuff a basketball through a hole and start pumping your chest as if that made a difference in the world.

OBAMA: If I leave up your fishing photo, it would be a lame fish Presidency decision. And I don't think you understand the importance of dunking the ball. When you start jumping and flying in the air, your legs climb on top of imaginary stairs in the air until you just hang in the moment. And in that moment, everything else is insignificant. You are in a timeless moment. No nuclear missiles can hit you even if they are pointed at you all game. No partisan quibble can upset your ears from up there. You are king of everything. And from there, I would freely grant anyone else to use my wind draft created by my flight through the air for wind energy, which is consistent with my policy on alternative energy. And the way the ball goes through the rim and net is just like silk to your ears. George, your fishing photo shows that you want to conquer nature. My basketball poster shows I want to defy nature.

BUSH: You mean, like hang in mid-air or walk on water?

OBAMA: Yes, I can!

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Al Gore Christmas at Radioactive Liberty

2008-12-23T06:30:00.000-08:00

As a special holiday treat, Fiar and I teamed-up today at Radioactive Liberty, to put together the two biggest topics on everyone's mind, Christmas and Global Warming! As you're out there shoveling away Climate Change this Obamass, you can thank Al Gore for The Twelve Inconvenient Day of Christmas.

How Obama Will Fix The Jobs Market

2008-12-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

Wondering how President Elect Barack Hussein Obama will make good on his promise for five million new jobs? So is he. My post today at Conservative Political Humor & Satire by Radioactive Liberty looks at this issue.

Christmas Carol: Good King Wenceslas (in a way)

2008-12-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

While the true meaning and spirit of Christmas escapes many of us, a very common bond unites us all. If it's not you, then it's someone close that suffers through the holidays when the relatives come to call.

Good Tidings, They are Leaving

Pacing 'round on Christmas day, while carolers are singing
In-laws footfalls on the porch, now the doorbells ringing
Wearing socks I slip out back, the kids next door are screaming
Realize my folly soon, as it’s well past freezing

Back inside the drumming starts, my holly wreath is falling
Front door shivers and it shakes, a voice outside is calling
‘Hey you bonehead open up!’ but for time I’m stalling
No place to run, no place to go, oh God have mercy, balling

That little chain won’t keep them out, now I start to panic
Think of something quick I say, my voice is sounding manic
My wife is coming down the stairs, I must be looking frantic
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, I’ll hide up in the attic

The stairwell’s blocked with tiny tots, their faces all are beaming
A nervous smile upon my face but inside I am screaming
The front door's opened from inside and through it they are streaming
Laying siege to my domain, until some time this evening

I suffered through the talk of who’s arches that are falling
I tried to fade away that day, my name they just kept calling
Do this, do that, turn down the set, the game I wasn’t following
Dinner came I sat to eat but had trouble swallowing

It was dark outside that night, on that Christmas evening
We’d opened gifts much earlier but the best was waiting
They donned their coats, stepped outside, I found that I was kneeling
I thanked the Lord in heaven above, my best present was their leaving

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BlackWidow@WhiteHouse.gov

2008-12-15T20:54:00.000-08:00

For a couple of weeks, I have been mulling over whether or not I should go public with my secret. Don't get me wrong. I don't like to be a party-pooper. But, the truth drove me so crazy that I finally decided to come out with it, if not for my own sanity, but for the sake of our great nation.

When I went down in my basement a month ago, I encountered Michelle Obama in a dark corner. She scared the life out of me. I started to pant and ran back up to the kitchen. I wasn't sure what to do. But, now I am the one that has to come out of the dark. I must let everyone know the truth that Michelle Obama is a Black Widow and this has to get out to the public before she moves from my basement to the White House. I am not crazy and I know that I have to have proof. So, here are some photos.

I wish it were not true. But, I am the only one that knows. And believe me, I am still trying to put all of the pieces together. After all, if I am right, and I know that I am right, it means that Michelle Obama mates and then she kills. I have many questions and I can still hear her rustling in my basement sometimes. The road is dangerous, but I am driven to find the truth. I have placed some surveillance and tracking devices in her belongings. If my warnings here to you go ignored, I will continue to watch her. In the interest of our country, it is my patriotic duty. I do not doubt that once she moves into the White House, I will be targeted and harassed by the powers that be. So, I will keep a low profile and periodically keep you updated.

Signed,

The Black Widow Watch

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Les James: Holidays Gifts Post at Radioactive Liberty

2008-12-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

Don't know what to get that liberal on your list? DemTools has a few holiday gift ideas. Pop over to Radioactive Liberty and shop 'til you drop.
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Hillary Just Cloning Around

2008-12-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

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Red-Neck Christmas Carol

2008-12-10T14:00:00.000-08:00

Jingle Bells and Shotgun Shells

Oh, jingle bells and shotgun shells
Bagged ourselves a sleigh
Heard reindeer meat was good to eat
But Santa’s gettin’ away

Trackin’ through the brush
For the elf what dashed away
On his heals we rush
Hounds barkin’ all the way

Billy Bob and Bubba brung
Their trucks to light the night
Oh what fun to drink and sing
Our slaying song tonight

Oh, jingle bells and shotgun shells
Got ourselves a sleigh
Heard reindeer meat was nice and sweet
And Santa runnin’ away

We tree’ed ‘em like a coon
In branches way up high
Scatter guns we aimed
At the fat man in the sky

Then suddenly a shout
From my wife, my cousin May
‘bout the stuff, what she found
Back there in his sleigh

Oh, jingle bells and shotgun shells
Was goodies in that sleigh
Reindeer meat sure's a treat
But Santa slipped away

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Obama To Kill America's Image

2008-12-10T11:58:00.000-08:00

Today President Elect Barack Hussein Obama stated that he "want's to re-boot America's image." Now forgive me for being cynical, but in computer terms, re-booting is a form of death. Changes that are made won't take effect until after you shut it down -letting it die- and then, jump start it with a jolt of electricity. So if I understand the metaphor correctly, Obama wants to institute change, kill the American Image and then hope he can re-start it. This guy really does have a Messiah Complex.

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Hillary Bolt!

2008-12-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

[Radio Ad is played in a deep and dramatic male voice]

It's 3 a.m. The kids are asleep. The phone rings. It's a national emergency. Who do you want answering the phone?"

[pause]

"Yes. Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State.

At a press conference, reporters question Hillary Clinton about the radio ad

"But, Hillary. I thought you wanted to be President when you ran that ad."

Hillary winks at the reporter and says in a game show voice.

"Gotcha!"

Hillary continues

"I fooled all of you. The entire time I ran for President, I was secretly running for Secretary of State. I'm a winner! Yes! I'm a big, big winner!"

Hillary starts to "raise the roof" with both hands up. Her hips begin to shuffle in rhythmic celebration.

"Uh, huh. Uh, huh. That's right. That's right."

Photographers are taking pictures of her. The reporters have dropped jaws. One reporter speaks up.

"Hillary. I am certain you were running for President when you ran that ad. And you lost the Democratic nomination. You are a big loser. That's what you are."

Hillary still rolling her hips and now singing.

"I'll travel the world, the seven seas. And guess who will be paying for my airfare and in-flight caviar."

Hillary points to the crowd of reporters in front of her.

"It's you. It's you tax payers, baby. C'mon. That's right. And I fooled you all the entire time. You all thought I was running for President, but that wasn't it at all."

Hillary smiles and waves.

"And all those five-star hotels around the world. All the fine cultural tours. All the international cuisine. That's the life of the Secretary of State. I'm the winner. I'm the Champion!"

A reporter bursts out loudly.

"Hillary, where are you going to go first...Disneyland?"

Hillary turns, runs a few feet, spreads her arms, glides across an imaginary finish line, and makes an Ussain Bolt pose.

"Jamaica!"

Humor-blogs is cheaper than Disneyland

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Rappin' an Obama Christmas at Radioactive Liberty

2008-12-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

My post this week at Radioactive Liberty shows why white guys shouldn't try to rap. Beastie Boys style lyrics and funny pictures rip-off the classic Night Before Christmas, Obama style.
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George W: Hits and Misses

2008-12-05T05:30:00.000-08:00

With a changing of the guard in DC, outgoing president George W. Bush has been mulling over regrets from his time in office. With that in mind Mr Know-it-all presents:

[ed note: Mr Know-it-all considers himself to be middle-of-the-political-road. From where I stand this makes him a commie. However, in keeping with the finest journalistic tradition (and in fear of the pending reinstatment of Fairness Doctrine) Sideshow Mirrors is happy to publish his views.]

George W. Bush Greatest Hits...and misses.

Bush "I do wish I'd paid more attention in school..."
86 % of Americans surveyed: agree.

Hit: decisive actions in the wake of the terrorist attacks on 9/11.
Miss: the wrong decisive actions in the wake of the terrorist attacks on 9/11.

Hit: convincing both parties to approve military intervention in Iraq.
Miss: having no one to blame for the military intervention in Iraq.

Hit: finally catching Saddam Hussein.
Miss: the anti climax of hanging a scruffy gray-haired ex-dictator.

Hit: finding the smoking gun that pointed to weapons of mass destruction.
Miss: finding that smoking gun really pointed at obsequious CIA political appointees.

Hit: carrying Florida precincts in the 2000 election known to vote overwhelmingly Democrat.
Miss: someone suggesting voter fraud in Florida precincts known to vote overwhelmingly Democrat.

Hit: forcing FEMA to submit to the Department of Homeland Security.
Miss: the first response of the DHS after hurricane Katrina.

Hit: convincing the American people that the press is controlled by liberal interests.
Miss: failing to convince the press.

Hit: assisting Americans take control of their economic retirement funds.
Miss: finding out Americans don't know feces from Florsheim shoes when it comes to economic retirement funds.

Hit: watching the stock market crest record highs.
Miss: watching the stock market plummet to record lows.

Hit: aiding friends and former business partners reach new levels of prosperity.
Miss: not being allowed to attend the funeral of "Kenny boy" and Enron.

Miss: waiting for the subpoena for Halliburton hearings.
Miss: worries that too many former Texas Rangers have been implicated in MLB's steroid investigation.

Hit: exercising the National Guard and Reserves in real life combat situations.
Miss: finding out they have parents and loved ones with free time on their on hands.

Hit: coming from a family of deep political stock.
Miss: finding out your grandfather made millions off the Nazis.

Hit: enjoying the highest "job approval" rating of any modern president.
Miss: suffering the lowest "job approval" rating of any modern president.

Hit: having the undying support of the "conservative radio pundits."
Miss: hearing the "conservative radio pundits" exude their uninformed vitriol.

Hit: expounding on the "Bush" sense of economics.
Miss: someone actually taking it seriously.

Hit: revealing to Americans that the notes backing the Social Security trust are "just paper."
Miss: some liberal suggesting that "cash" is "just paper."

Hit: having two beautiful young daughters in the White House.
Miss: not having two beautiful young daughters in Iraq fighting with the US Army.

Hit: the heroic rescue of Pvt. Jessica Lynch.
Miss: facts surrounding the heroic rescue of Pvt. Jessica Lynch.

Hit: landing on the flight deck of the USS Lincoln with a huge "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.
Miss: landing on the flight deck of the USS Lincoln with a huge "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.

Hit: a carefully guided public presentation of the Commander in chief under the genius of Karl Rove.
Miss: not having Karl Rove stop the Commander in chief from using words like "ooching" when referring to international terrorism.

Hit: cultivating a close relationship with the Russian President.
Miss: discovering that Russian President isn't much different than a Soviet Premier.

Hit: putting the needs and will of the American people ahead of criticism from the world at large via the UN.
Miss: begging like a dog for bone to have the UN approve that same plan of action and having it flatly denied.

Hit: giving millions to combat AIDS in Africa.
Miss: waiting until the number dead is too large to ignore before acting.

Hit: enjoying the support of the Religious Right.
Miss: discovering the Religious Right requires certain minimum behavior standards from Senators and Congressmen.

Hit: debunking Al Gore and his liberal agenda with regards to Global Warming.
Miss: finding out it's probably true.

Hit: being remembered as the Education President for creation of "No Child Left Behind."
Miss: being remembered as something different for failing to fund "No Child Left Behind."

Hit: alerting the world to the "axis of evil."
Miss: finding it to be a bust.

Hit: gathering support for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
Miss: discovering one of your backers was caught in an airport bathroom allegedly cruising for gay sex.

Hit: leading US soldiers to defend their country 8000 miles from home.
Miss: having it suspiciously sound like something from the LBJ administration.

Hit: being a "decider."
Miss: basing those "decisions" on gut reaction instead of a close examination of the facts and responsible evaluation of each course of action.

Hit: putting "compassionate conservative" into the American lexicon.
Miss: having it defined as an obtuse oxymoron.

Hit: a president who can connect with the common man.
Miss: a president who can't connect with anyone sporting a triple digit IQ.

Hit: admitting publicly to an alcohol problem.
Miss: no longer having a good excuse for stupid comments or behavior.

Lastly--
Miss: being regarded as the weakest president in US history.
Hit: having no where to go but up

Humor-blogs has all the Hit...and misses
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Obamass: Christmas, Obama Style

2008-12-02T15:27:00.000-08:00

Help celebrate a holiday with balls

Wow, it's that time of year again and I've been feeling like something is missing. After a lot of contemplation and spinning in circles until I was dizzy with inspiration, I figured out just what that was. While I don't have all the details worked out, I do have an outline, of sorts. It's not much but with your help, it can work. It's a project we can believe in.

With the arrival of the messiah (lower case m) should we not make adjustments to reflect the magnificence of the moment? Now I'm not as clean and articulate as the chosen one, so don't expect too much but what I suggest is, that we celebrate his birthday on December 25th of each year. Come on, that other guy has had it for over 2000 years, isn't it about time we shared?

Since there's doubt that Obama was even born in this country -his grandmother said she was there when he was born in Kenya (which is a lot closer to Bethlehem than Hawaii) - then it stands to reason that we wouldn't be all that sure of the date either. His mother wasn't a virgin but she was a radical 60's liberal. That's a lot better in many circles. The coincidences are uncanny.

I humbly submit a new name for that date. In his honor, we should now and forevermore refer to December 25th as Obamass (emphasis on the second syllable). It would still be a time of great giving as the deadline for filling taxes would now fall on the same day.

Other ideas keeping with the spirit of the season might include:

All gifts great and small would be taxed. A windfall food tax would be incurred for any excessive feasting activities. Carbon Footprint fines would be doubled for those traveling outside of prescribed boundaries during this time of celebration. Similar to fingerprints, Carbon Footprinting would be used to ID perps. The old adage that 'it's the thought that counts', would be taken to mean that you have considered purchasing a gift and, of course, would be taxed according by a percentage of your last tax return, on a upwardly sliding scale.

All of this gift revenue would go directly to the needy -and some of it to the poor.

I know there's so much more we can do but I've run out of ideas.

Please help by adding suggestions as to how to make the first Obamass the standard by which all others will be judged. I look forward to your input. Together, we can make a difference.

I encourage bloggers to use their forums to promote this blessed event.

Thank you and Merry Obamass!

Humor-blogs knows an Obamass when it sees one

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All in the Family: Part 3

2008-12-01T08:56:00.000-08:00

Who's my real daddy?

Malia Obama was very confused with her daddy last week.

Malia thought to herself, "Daddy tells us to be more responsible parents and to 'turn off those television sets.'

Of course, daddy is the one who bought up all those ads and even aired a 30-minute infomercial."

"Malia. Turn off that television right now."

"But, daddy."

"You don't understand. I am being a responsible parent by telling you to turn off that television. America will be judging me. You don't want daddy to look like a liar, do you?"

"No."

"Plus, you don't want to know what kinds of promises I am making."

"Why?"

"Do you remember the story about the guy who had to sound good in order to get in a position to do any good?"

"Not really."

"Well, you fell asleep. Anyway, I want you to look at me and see your daddy. I don't want you to look at me and see Mr. President."

"I just wanted to watch your 30-minute infomercial."

"That's not for you."

"Daddy, then why did you put those ads and infomericals on television?"

"How shall I say it. Malia. We are smarter than most. But, not everyone is as smart as us, dear."

"Do you really think so?"

"Believe me. I know so. And you don't want to end up like them. So, turn off that television."

This completes a three part series by Mr. Shizzo. Tune in next Tuesday for his weekly post.

Kill your TV. Tune-in to Humor-Blogs.com

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The Obama Cabinet at Radioactive Liberty

2008-12-01T08:43:00.000-08:00

The Obama Cabinet is front and center at my post this week at Political Humor & Satire by Radioactive Liberty.
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Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T07:05:00.000-08:00

Question: What kind of turkey is it?

Humor-Blogs knows turkeys
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All in the Family

2008-11-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

Part 2
Who's your Mommy?

Setting: Halloween. A little girl in an angel costume rings the doorbell of a house in the neighborhood. A man answers the door ready to give out candy.

"My mommy says we should not say 'Trick or Treat' anymore."
"Oh really? Why is that?"
"She says we are no longer accepting candy this Halloween. Thank you, but no thank you."
"I see. So you are choosing to be more healthy?"
"She says we should say something else."
"Oh? Like what?"
"My mommy says we should say, 'Belly Dance or Bailout Money.'"
"Belly Dance or Bailout Money?"
"She says that our family business is in financial crisis, so if we get bailout money, it will help everyone?"
"Everyone?"
"Our business will do well and the money will go to everyone, so everyone will win."
"Uh..."
"Well? Where's my bailout money?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't prepare any bailout money for this Halloween."
"Oh, that's okay. You can just go into debt."
"Uh..."
"Well?"
"I'm not sure I can..."
"I see. How about if I ask this way? Belly Dance or Bailout Money, PLEASE."
"Oh, that's very polite of you to say please."
"Isn't it?"
"Well, again. I'm not sure if I can help you."
"My mommy said that no one wanted to Belly Dance in Congress, so that's why the Bailout got passed."
"Really?"
"Yes. And if you don't give me my bailout money, I'm going to call my mommy over here."
"Actually, I think that would be a great idea."
"Mommy. Mommy. This man isn't doing what he is supposed to. And he won't even belly dance."
"Mrs. Ah,...I'm sorry, I don't know your name."
"I'm a friend of Alvin Irvinton Gustafson."
"Oh? Who is that?"
"Oh, you don't know who that is? He goes by AIG and he said you would give me bailout money if I needed it and asked nicely. Anyway. So, what I need is your bailout money. Hand it over."
"Is that asking nicely? Anyway, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Can you hurry? If you don't hurry with the money, the next Great Depression is going to come our way."
"Listen. I don't appreciate all this pressure."
"Listen? Look. I didn't have to come here in person, you know. I could have just had you wire the money to me. I don't see what the big deal is. Everyone is getting it."
"Wait a minute. I need to put my foot down and say something. I don't have any bailout money for you. All I have are snickers."
"Congress used to give those to me all the time whenever we asked for government help. Are you saying you are reverting back to the old days of snickers and smirks?"
"No. I don't think you understand. I could give you mars. I'm giving you mars for free."
"What are you talking about? Make some sense. I don't want mars. I'll be dead before I can ever get there. Just like the government to sell out their future valuable real estate right now. No, don't you dare offer me the milk way or else I will gag right here."
"Actually..."
"Yes?"
"Never mind. I have a payday."
"Now you are talking."
"Do you want it?"
"I don't have to earn it, do I? You didn't say anything about earning my payday. I just want my money."
"No. Just take your payday."
"I certainly will. But, I'll be back on Tuesday."
"Tuesday? What's Tuesday?"
"You are giving away the Presidency, aren't you? My daughter really wants one. She said she would like to make government funded solar toilets."
"Uh..."
"Did you know we spend up to three years of our lives in the bathroom? She will make a great President, don't you think?"
"I need for you to leave now."
"Wait. Don't you want a kiss?"
"I already have plenty of kisses."
"You are a lucky guy. There must be a lot of hanky panky going on in your house usually. [blinks with one eye] Anyway, thanks for the payday. You won't be sorry. Remember, on Tuesday my daughter will come knocking on your door and it will be 'Pirouettes or Presidency.'"

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It Might Be News To You

2008-11-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

By Mr. Know-it-all

NEW YORK - This week Jane Magazine announced the winners of the World's Sexiest Man No Longer Alive. beginning last year the fashion and trend tabloid set out to add a new twist to an old idea, by judging sex appeal for dead men to compete with the numerous and long standing "sexiest men alive" comparisons. This year's winners: John Kennedy Jr., Cary Grant, Rudolph Valentino, and Keith Richards. When asked to comment, Mr. Richards -half of the successful Rolling Stones' "Glimmer Twins" duo- took a deep drag on his cigarette and mumured: "Bloody, hell. Back to Haiti for me."

LOS ANGELES - Monday, a fifty year old homeless man was sentenced after being found guilty of arson last February for LA Basin fires set in 2002 and 2006. Steven Emory Butcher was ordered to serve four years in a California State Prison and pay $101, 000, 000 in damages for the 163, 000 acres of devastation caused. A payment plan was agreed upon and after serving his prison term the unemployed man is expected to make final restitution by October of 3056.

In a related story:

DETROIT - A $25 billion federal bailout is needed to prevent a collapse of the Big Three US automobile makers, claims an industry spokesman. To cover the planned cash shortfall Michael Mukasey, Attorney General, for the Bush Administration has ordered in-depth investigations conducted into all recent US "natural" disasters with an emphasis placed on all suspicious homeless or indigents linked to terrorism within the immediate vicinity of the catastrophes.

Bush appointee and chairman of the Council on Environmental Quality James L. Connaughton, who previously lobbied to reduce government regulations for major aluminum and chemical companies as a former legal partner of Sidley Austin LLP, stated in a news conference: "This is 'good' government intervention. Targeting guilty parties for disasters that were erroneously blamed on 'God' in the past will permit blame to be shifted to the 'true' culprits thus permitting governmental agencies the free hand necessary to recover losses from these, covert miscreants, posing under the guise of homelessness, indigent, mentally illness, and physical disabilities."

Humor-Blogs has pin-ups of Keith Richards
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DemTools at Radioactive Liberty

2008-11-24T11:29:00.000-08:00

Today at Political Humor & Satire by Radioactive Liberty, I give you a peak at Washington's biggest tools. It's group of funny pictures from the DemTools catalog. You'll never look at a hardware store the same way again.
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Snig: Mae West Interview

2008-11-20T13:26:00.000-08:00

Today my very special guest is Snig. She, for some unknown reason, has decided to play the role of Mae West. For those of you who are too young to remember Mae, so sorry. This is the next in a monthly series, where funny bloggers pick a role for me to "interview". So, what do you say? Shall we get on with it?

Les: Good evening, I'm Les James and this is my show. About once a month or so I do interviews with various characters. Yeah, I said characters. If you recall last month's, I was supposed to be having a dream date with Sandra Bullock, but instead my former producer and crew thought it would be funny to slip in this smelly ass demon. That SOB took a bite out of my left arm.

My new crew says I'm interviewing Mae West today. Yeah, right. I guess I'm posting on Craigslist tomorrow for another new crew. I hope you guys are going to be able to laugh about this in the unemployment line!

So, without further delay…this had better not be another demon! Let's welcome to the studio, Mae West.

Holy Mother of … it is Mae West! Miss West, I'm so sorry about the introduction. I never would have….

Mae West: If you would have come up to see me some time, I bet you would have. You know Les, I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.

Les: Yeah I can see that. Are those things real? Can I touch 'em?

Mae West: Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If you noticed, I have NOT given you a free hand.

Les: Fine, but maybe later? Sorry, you've got me a little flustered. Okay. For starters, you've been around the political and entertainment scene for a while. I don't mean to imply you're old… Ahhh, sorry, what I'm trying to say is, you're experienced… Oh, this isn't working. Give me a second...

There...better. Now, how about we get to my first question? I mean, this is an interview after all.

So Miss West, with this current economy, President elect Barack Hussein Obama is going to have his hands full when he takes office. What do you see as his top three strategic considerations for strengthening the dollar against the other major world currencies?

Mae West: Yes Les, I've been things and seen places...I've been in more laps than a napkin. No more comments on my experience, okay? As for Obama, yes I'm sure he already has his hands full. Have you seen that wife of his? Now that woman has the curves and I imagine he has a handful of them ever...oh, sorry.

I don't see him as having any strategic considerations. That man is nothing but promises and you know, I've always said an ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises. I think we're going to be shorted our pound's worth.

Les: Finally a guest that's politically suave and hot to boot. Hey you guy behind the glass, you're looking at a raise and I don't just mean in my... Whoa! I forgot where I was. Ah, I've got some notes somewhere. Here they are.

Yeah. Next question. Mae, the economy is in the toilet and the Fed seems hell bent on toggling the handle. Congress has got a plunger in its hands, in case there's a blockage. To top it all off, the American people have just voted in a man with conscience of Jack Kevorkian. Do you think it's time to create or support a third party, as the Republicans are floating, face down, in the bowl too.

Mae West: Obama...oh his mother should have thrown him out and kept the stork. I don't know a lot about politics, but I recognize a good party man when I see one. Unfortunately, lately I've seen none.

Les: Interesting. You know I'm usually having a great time pissing off my guest about this time in the interview. But you're different. I don't want to upset you and this confuses me. I guess I should ask you another question. Let's see. Here's a good one. Iraq, should we pull out before we finish the job?

Mae West: Pull out before the job is finished? Have you been paying no attention to me? You.never.pull.out.early. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly I always say.

Les: Wow. You fascinate me. You've got phenomenally firm....er, ah grasp of the situation. So ah...ah, I ah...mean...I was going to say..ah...I got nothin'. Forget the interview. Let's just blow this joint and head out on the town. What da ya say?

Mae West: Well now. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it, but a hard man is good to find. What?? I swear, if I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

Les: I'm trying!

Listen, I've never done this before with a guest. But I can't help myself. It's just that I'm reminded of what my Mom use to tell me, not that I listened to her all that much. She said "don't do anything stupid" and babe, you're not stupid. You want me. All women want me...some to stay away, that whole Bo Peep restraining order thing... Never mind that. I'm coming over there to plant a big, wet one on ya, 'cus I know it's what you need.

Mae West: Few men know how to kiss well and unfortunately, I don't have time to teach you. Got it? If you're not gettin' it, my five heavily diamonded friends are gonna give it to you across the nose.

Les: Now Mae...sweetie, you aren't really going to...

Mae West: Look pal, there are 10 men waiting for me at the door and I've already sent one of them home because I'm tired. Kiss this!

Les: Son of a... You really pack a helluva punch there lady. But I gotta say, it was the best punch I've ever had. Wow! That's goin' to be sore for a while. Worth it, but sore. I guess we're out of time. I'd like to do something else I never do and thank my guest Mae West.

Can I touch them now? Hey, put down that fist! Ohhh!

Fine, I don't think I'll be asking you that again.

I, um...I think that went...well.

Somebody get me some ice!

Hey bloggers! If this looks like something you'd like to do, please contact me. We'll make it happen.

Humor-blogs.com is a great cure for swelling.
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